Monday, July 20, 2015

My last post

I am moving home, if you follow my blog and wish to continue doing so please go to

www.thelotuspages.wordpress.com

Thank you

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

and already 3.5 months passed

Time passes quickly doesn't it?

3.5 months gone in a flash!  Benjamin talks to me with his eyes.  I wonder if he's the only one who did that or if I was too busy to notice my older ones.....

His smiles fill me with warmth and remind me that all will be well.


He is an amazing child.  I still think I am imagining but he does sit balancing with hands as well for at least  a minute. and what about this? he is nearly standing on all fours and trying with all his might to crawl!



Thursday, July 9, 2015

Day 13

Thursday is our outing day with the homeschool co-op.  Today we went to the Limestone Heritage where we learnt how stone is cut.  There were also some lovely animals to see and a punic tomb.






At home we continued school by baking a cheese cake.



Gregory was disappointed that we did not have formal schooling today and for me THAT was the best part of it!

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Day 12

We had shared house cleaning today.  Maya had a bad day - so she spent it whining or crying.  I tried to be emphatic but it was beyond me today, I just got super irritated!

After house cleaning I was asked if we'd do school today :) the answer was yes and Gregory freaked out when I gave him some new math to do, but then felt cool enough with it after he let me explain and saw that even I am not much good at this!

We spent the afternoon at the beach. Benjamin was the shark running after the older ones...wish I had some one to take a video of us!

According to my 6 year old, for the second time in a row this had been one of the best days this Summer.  Seeing that smile and joy is priceless! Trusting tomorrow my 4 year old will be happier.



85 days of Summer (days 1-11)

We started the holidays with a holiday.

However, the vacation wasn't quite successful as we got sick before, during and after those 4 days!

The children though had some special dad time in the end and that was awesome.





Last week, we were still in sickness land but we also started the homeschooling programme.  Which has been a success so far.



top is mine, left is Greg's & right is Maya's


The beach happened only twice, but we intend to make up for it.  Benjamin loved it!

Monday, June 15, 2015

What is me and what was me

At 16 I wanted to work in tourism as guide to be exact.  The course was not available so I took second best according to me- travel agency.  I loved travelling- still do- so I felt this to be perfect.  I believed this work will be forever.  Between 16 and 25 years of age, I was making sure my dreams became reality.

In fact by the time I had my first child at 28, I had travelled to the exotic places I had dreamed of, got married and my unfulfilled dream so far was the house.  It was not home and it was not my dream house.

Yet I still felt a void inside me, I didn't enjoy my holidays or my marriage day.  It felt too ordinary some how.

But then I had my first.  Up to the first half of my pregnancy I knew I'd continue working and leave my child with a babysitter as soon as maternity is over.  I bought a pushchair and a crib - proud of having them in the house and looking forward to using them.  I never gave a second glance to bottle feeding or parenting.  The norm was my ideal.

And yet something never felt right so I searched and searched and by the time I was due I had already started the changes: I wanted to breastfeed as I was meant to do, wear my baby, practice natural parenting/positive discipline and birth at home.  The more I read te more my heart sang true to these ideals.  And once my little one was born I knew my job had to be in the birth/parenting sector and I quit my job.

Today I am 34, I have 3 children, I want to home school because that feels right for my family at the moment.  I am working in the birth/parenting sector and loving it.  I still have a dream home in my mind but ours is home.  Travelling is not important any more except for my journeys into motherhood.  The friends I always felt elusive are finally real friends who understand me and help me through without judgement.  I do not really entertain except my kids.  I am quite changed.

 Looking back, there are a lot of things which never crossed my mind before- LOTS!

But I wouldn't have it any other way.  My heart sings with joy when my kids are home.  Just a while ago my little ones were going to visit grandma, I looked at the mess surrounding me and felt at peace. I have a family. I am in love.

I continue 'changing' - because I realise this is what I always was.  Yet society had tried to suppress me and I am finally finding myself again.  So many things are falling into place and becoming an aha! moment.

This is my life and I wouldn't have it any other way!

let Summer begin

We are counting the days till Summer holidays here.

We are learning new ways how to interact and love and learn so the excitment of 3 full months practice together is impossible to contain.

My weaving is finally forming a pattern; and everytime a little bit is added, it looks amazing.

Then I get my moments of impatience and I practically rip it all up.  But the pattern is growing slowly and I can't wait to see its full glory in a few years' time.

Each learning curve, each moment I am using new tools to get me to my destination.  I will never see a clear path, because life is full of wonderful surprises leading us to expand even more.

I am afraid, ecstatic, at peace, unsure......but I am loving the process with its infuriating slowness.

This is how it is meant to be and my little Benajmin is there to remind me to take it slow because in its slowness, things are changing quickly.  In this continuum change I am savouring the moments that slip by a blink of an eye.

This Summer is going to be a wonderful experience of changed love, of joy, of friendships and family.

These 12 days is what remains between now and then.


Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Love courageously update

I have arrived to day 11 in this love challenge.

As a small update, I have reread the 5 love languages of children and started practising them more with my family. I left a note for my kids in their lunch box, I bought them stuff they needed and wrapped them up as a present, I tell them more that I love them and went on a date with them separately.  We also do special time as much as possible.  It is starting to work - especially with Gregory who is also showing more love back.

In the meantime I had read about the key jar and decided to do it.  Every couple of days during dinner one of us picks a question and everyone answers it.  This is working best with Maya so far but hoping it will catch up with Gregory to.

Appreciation what day 11 is about is sometimes forgotten by me.  So I am making it a point  to show my appreciation possibly daily.  Ways I am showing appreciation is by thanking them for being helpful, for cooperating, for being quiet, for letting me work, for keeping peace..... it makes them feel proud when I tell them this and they are starting to do more of these positive traits.

Tomorrow its day 12 - loving through aggression - this is going to be very interesting as I tend to lean towards aggression myself so I need to learn not just teach.  Possibly so far this will be the most challenging part of loving and I am looking forward to learn and teach and finally get to the best part...being soft and loving 99% of the time :)

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Love courageously day 7

So as part of the love courageously challenge, I will be going through a few weeks where I will focus on the love languages.

the 5 love languages are a very interesting topic I find and while I am pretty sure Maya is a words of affirmation child while Gregory quality time, I still have decided to go through a few weeks going through all the love languages.  Not only will it re confirm that my deductions are correct, but it will also help to teach my children and learn myself how to love in other languages.

I am right now at day 7 and am quite content to stay here for a little bit and fill my days with attention to detail amongst other things.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Love Courageous: critical

Today didn't go as good as yesterday.

My patience wasn't quite there.  Too many things on my mind.

That being said, I was not critical.  And when I thought I could be critical like saying stop whining, I tried saying I know you have a voice there, let me hear it and tell me what you need.

Still, it was really not easy today and I feel a bit of a fail.

I decided to take the kids unexpectedly for a picnic at the new swings near our house.  The idea was greeted enthusiastically but it was a fiasco really.  Gregory didn't enjoy it he said and was quite angry.  It really hurt!  Maya was quite clingy so it was difficult to interact with her older brother.  It was really frustrating!  In the end I realised I picked the wrong day as kids could be seen tired from school- sigh- I still felt like a fail and it still hurt.  But I did acknowledge to them that they seemed tired and I did ask if something was wrong and Gregory did say his school day wasn't quite good and told me a bit about his day which is of course not usual.

Tomorrow will however be a new day and hopefully I will manage to be patient, not critical and kind.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Love Courageously: Patience

Now this can be very tricky.  Since having babies I actually became quite patient.  However I found a lot of triggers for my patience to become short fused in less than a second.

So today I practised patience and well we were all happier as a result.  There were moments where I was getting frustrated and thus impatient and I know it could be heard in my interactions, however, I did manage to keep myself in check and change the situation into a game or something to smile about.

I am really pleased with myself I have to admit and the good start in the challenge gives me more courage to finish it and keep it up.

Mostly  I just saw that the impatience was just me and it didn't really warrant a reaction so I just took that pause first and then let go of my trigger.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

I am going to love courageously

I had started The Love Courageously Challenge but then stopped.

Now that baby's born and things are slowly returning to a more normal state, I decided to start again.

Day 1:  I read the original post that prompted this challenge as requested.  I started to cry.

Because it truly takes a lot of courage to break the habit and right now I am not being courageous but a real coward and letting the old habits take over.  I am disgusted by myself and the repeated sorrys to my children feel like sand in my mouth.  I am ready to become courageous again.  I am sorry it took me so long to get hold of myself again.  I am sorry I have let me children down and I am sad to see them afraid of me when I get angry.

I want to see their smiles on all the time and enjoy my company and me theirs.

I am blessed to have a lot of people to help me along the way and I am looking forward to it.


Tuesday, March 24, 2015

The story of Benjamin Luca

Being a mother for the third time does not make much difference.  You will still be a new mother, navigating new hurdles, learning new things.

It is so amazing really.

Benjamin Luca is different in so many ways.  The choice of names given by the children themselves.

My own choice is still quite apt- Malachi meaning my messenger and my angel.

Starting with pregnancy, I was the most stable hormonally, I ate reasonably and a combination of healthy/unhealthy alternatives, I tired easily and felt nauseous for the first time ever.  I learnt to listen more to my body and my instinct.  I learnt that I can do things I do not normally approve of because later I will still have the opportunity to reset it all. I learnt how good it is to communicate and how it is now helping us move more harmoniously as a family.

Birth....it was wonderful as I practically ticked off all on my wish list for the birth.  That is no interventions what so ever.  A lovely midwife to assist. A husband I could count on. And best of all I caught my own baby.  Yet emotionally I had to give my all.  My projected fears intensified after the last hospital appt and I could not shake them off- which made this birth my longest.  The contractions were harder than any of the others and I had to use strength which I never needed before and my projection of breathing the baby out rather than pushing him made laughing stock of me as I had to push incredibly hard to truly bring him earth side.  The intensity of it made me feel like a caged animal at times- not sure how or where to go.  I could not find a position for the longest time ever and in the end stayed mostly on all fours.  While I still believe I had a lovely birth, I now understand more the mother who says it was horrible and painful and wouldn't do it again or would take all the drugs available.  There in that moment I could see why so many mothers tell horror stories and project unknowingly further fears to other mothers to be.  Yet, it was not pain, it was growing pains because I was growing and learning and he is my messenger in all of this.  It was lovely in every sense and I wouldn't trade it differently.  Yet my heart still aches for what I felt was meant to be and what actually meant to be.  I was also afraid I wouldn't get through it.  I was so hungry, yet when I tried to snack I got so nauseous I could not dream of trying again.  So with waning strength I knew I had to birth him now and I pushed like I never pushed before and with a strength I found I caught him without any assistance and that was the most magical experience.  Suddenly I could collapse in my husband's arms and cradle my baby boy whom I waited for so long.

Even the placenta which normally births on its own in my case, I needed to give it a helpful couple of pushes.  The tree of life was thick and big and amazing.

The day after birth - I discharged myself because my other babies where longing to see me and their baby brother.  I also found no use in staying there doing nothing - at least I could do nothing in my own home.  I felt weak (still hadn't managed to eat) and so tired I admit I could have used a wheelchair to get out of there.  And today I am clear and focused.  I do not feel tired but I am still weak and tiring quickly.  Also all those muscles I used for birthing this little man are claiming there place in protesting on over usage.

And to add to the learning curve, I am experiencing sore nipples.  Ironic being a breastfeeding counsellor! Yet it's another tool for me to use in my work.

I still feel sad and in need of processing what happened and why this particular sadness for being so different from what I anticipated.  Yet I still claim this was the most amazing experience and that the real regret is not negotiating for a photographer to be present.


Tuesday, March 17, 2015

The Doctor forgot he has a client and human being by his side

The anger and upset still bubbles under the surface.

I try to formulate a complaint but the words that come to mind would only rate me as an insane woman probably.

The tension I am feeling is of big consequence for my own well-being and my child's.

I was expecting more or less what happened.  I was not expecting how it was happening.  It was more then unethical to me.

My only regret?  I did not get up from that couch, opened the door and made a scene for all the people waiting in ante-natal to hear and see.

I am still thinking in anger while hearing that I should let go of fear.  A fear that since the birth of Maya it seems to have intensified and the reality of it become even more so.

I decide to wait, wait till the embers cool down, but by no means this is going to be let go.

I was treated as a transaction, like I was not there, as if I did not matter, as if my thoughts did not matter, as if they did not need MY CONSENT for anything, as if I NEEDED to be managed.  He was just closing another chapter with another pregnant woman.  I wonder how many have gone this path with him, how many more will.

I will not rest.  While I was well aware of all this, I experienced it so dimly with my previous births that my commitment probably wasn't complete.  With this, I am irrevocably committed and the war has been waged.

I still shake with tears, I still need to come to terms with it.

I've been told many times that doctors have studied for this and I need to trust them, but the more time pass the less I trust them and unless they start proving otherwise I will not be trusting one very soon.

So utterly disappointed.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

The waiting game is on

I was never a fan of waiting, although I got a good education in learning to wait.

This time round waiting for my little one to make a move is becoming quite a challenge at times.

Sometimes I get overly anxious and I wonder if this is truly my third pregnancy or should it be my first!  Things that never crossed my mind before run around the mill getting me to over think and wonder and worry.  Then my support reminds me of things that for some reason I seem to have forgotten and am reassured.

I remember to enjoy this moment and live in the now.  But I am being picky lately on many things and the now is just too much.  I can't live now if baby is not born :)

I meditate and hear my birthing CD and take time to relax and nap and do mostly nothing.  The kids sense my retreat and leave me be most of the time even if I can see it in their eyes the longing to come near, to play......it breaks my heart but at the same time I need to separate from them for a little bit.

So in between the chaos that has taken hold of my house, I breathe and remember that my body and baby know best.  I visibly relax and wait- and live the waiting game.  IT is soon, very soon, I can feel it in every fibre of my being but the when eludes me yet.  So I breathe and let go of everything because later I will have time to keep the house and play and laugh.  Now is the time to sit still and reflect and wait.

I am snappy and withdrawn but that is OK, because I am soon to bring earthside this little baby and I am needed more to live within rather then on the outside.

I was never good at going against my nature and instinct.  So expectations are flown out of the window.  I try to keep commitments but I know I am failing miserably because my instinct tells me to forget it all and I trust my inner voice.  It's exciting and tiring and the waiting- well it gives me time to reflect on a whole lot of things which are making more sense and are helping me change more into the woman I want to be- I am already but still in its budding state.

The mother goddess is awaiting eagerly because every wait, is worth it!




Thursday, February 12, 2015

The inner side of me

As I start my 3rd trimester, I internalise the heaviness of my body, the bigness it now is.

I slow down and move inward into myself as I prepare myself and my baby to birth.

We both know our roles, we both know it will be an amazing journey, we are both looking forward to actually see each other face to face.  To smell each other -  that sweet smell of mother and child just birthed and born.  To engage in our senses and let the rest of life pass us by as we drink from that unique moment of love.

I have a vision in my head, in all probability it will not all happen that way, but I'd like to think that life and God and his angels will move heaven and earth to let me experience a bit of that vision.

Our lives are once more changing and it is exciting to know we are on a wave that will take us where ever it wants for a while; until we find a footing and we will anchor our new dynamics and ideals and embrace the changes and the differences......terrifying but exciting!

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Tough February

It gets tough at times.

Being 34 weeks pregnant, a ton of work, the house, the family........

My body and mind and every bit of my being is telling me to let it all go and breathe.

I am telling it to wait till the end of the month.

The truth is that I can't really wait that long.  I am exhausted and the whole family is having repercussions.

So in the midst of all this chaos I am starting to create space because even if I did not want to my mind is not co-operating and I find myself blank of what I need to do.

This should be the last week were I have something everyday.  As of next week I will have to keep a less busy schedule because my family including the coming baby is worth more than any work I am doing right now.  So maybe I am leaving it all at the worse possible moment but then I wonder when there is a good moment at all!

Today I am grateful: that I cooked a nice meal
that I cleaned the whole house
that my body sustained these rigours till I actually needed to do so
that I am now sitting in bed resting
that I yelled today, because it reminded me that I am taking on too much and my family needs me sane
that I am reading something for me not work related
that I am finding lots of support around me in every aspect of life
that despite my insecurities I am pushing through with my instinct most of the time
that life is sweeter than I anticipated

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

4 years ago....

......I had a baby girl and she grew into this 4 year old

full of love, joy and happiness.
excited for her celebration with Nanna & Nannu



dressed as a fairy for her actual birthday

she wanted a party :)

she was so excited and had a lovely day

we also went to the petting farm


but all the excitement tired her out so we ended the party with a meltdown.  Later though she was happy again and slept happily surrounded with her helium balloon

Monday, July 20, 2015

My last post

I am moving home, if you follow my blog and wish to continue doing so please go to

www.thelotuspages.wordpress.com

Thank you

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

and already 3.5 months passed

Time passes quickly doesn't it?

3.5 months gone in a flash!  Benjamin talks to me with his eyes.  I wonder if he's the only one who did that or if I was too busy to notice my older ones.....

His smiles fill me with warmth and remind me that all will be well.


He is an amazing child.  I still think I am imagining but he does sit balancing with hands as well for at least  a minute. and what about this? he is nearly standing on all fours and trying with all his might to crawl!



Thursday, July 9, 2015

Day 13

Thursday is our outing day with the homeschool co-op.  Today we went to the Limestone Heritage where we learnt how stone is cut.  There were also some lovely animals to see and a punic tomb.






At home we continued school by baking a cheese cake.



Gregory was disappointed that we did not have formal schooling today and for me THAT was the best part of it!

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Day 12

We had shared house cleaning today.  Maya had a bad day - so she spent it whining or crying.  I tried to be emphatic but it was beyond me today, I just got super irritated!

After house cleaning I was asked if we'd do school today :) the answer was yes and Gregory freaked out when I gave him some new math to do, but then felt cool enough with it after he let me explain and saw that even I am not much good at this!

We spent the afternoon at the beach. Benjamin was the shark running after the older ones...wish I had some one to take a video of us!

According to my 6 year old, for the second time in a row this had been one of the best days this Summer.  Seeing that smile and joy is priceless! Trusting tomorrow my 4 year old will be happier.



85 days of Summer (days 1-11)

We started the holidays with a holiday.

However, the vacation wasn't quite successful as we got sick before, during and after those 4 days!

The children though had some special dad time in the end and that was awesome.





Last week, we were still in sickness land but we also started the homeschooling programme.  Which has been a success so far.



top is mine, left is Greg's & right is Maya's


The beach happened only twice, but we intend to make up for it.  Benjamin loved it!

Monday, June 15, 2015

What is me and what was me

At 16 I wanted to work in tourism as guide to be exact.  The course was not available so I took second best according to me- travel agency.  I loved travelling- still do- so I felt this to be perfect.  I believed this work will be forever.  Between 16 and 25 years of age, I was making sure my dreams became reality.

In fact by the time I had my first child at 28, I had travelled to the exotic places I had dreamed of, got married and my unfulfilled dream so far was the house.  It was not home and it was not my dream house.

Yet I still felt a void inside me, I didn't enjoy my holidays or my marriage day.  It felt too ordinary some how.

But then I had my first.  Up to the first half of my pregnancy I knew I'd continue working and leave my child with a babysitter as soon as maternity is over.  I bought a pushchair and a crib - proud of having them in the house and looking forward to using them.  I never gave a second glance to bottle feeding or parenting.  The norm was my ideal.

And yet something never felt right so I searched and searched and by the time I was due I had already started the changes: I wanted to breastfeed as I was meant to do, wear my baby, practice natural parenting/positive discipline and birth at home.  The more I read te more my heart sang true to these ideals.  And once my little one was born I knew my job had to be in the birth/parenting sector and I quit my job.

Today I am 34, I have 3 children, I want to home school because that feels right for my family at the moment.  I am working in the birth/parenting sector and loving it.  I still have a dream home in my mind but ours is home.  Travelling is not important any more except for my journeys into motherhood.  The friends I always felt elusive are finally real friends who understand me and help me through without judgement.  I do not really entertain except my kids.  I am quite changed.

 Looking back, there are a lot of things which never crossed my mind before- LOTS!

But I wouldn't have it any other way.  My heart sings with joy when my kids are home.  Just a while ago my little ones were going to visit grandma, I looked at the mess surrounding me and felt at peace. I have a family. I am in love.

I continue 'changing' - because I realise this is what I always was.  Yet society had tried to suppress me and I am finally finding myself again.  So many things are falling into place and becoming an aha! moment.

This is my life and I wouldn't have it any other way!

let Summer begin

We are counting the days till Summer holidays here.

We are learning new ways how to interact and love and learn so the excitment of 3 full months practice together is impossible to contain.

My weaving is finally forming a pattern; and everytime a little bit is added, it looks amazing.

Then I get my moments of impatience and I practically rip it all up.  But the pattern is growing slowly and I can't wait to see its full glory in a few years' time.

Each learning curve, each moment I am using new tools to get me to my destination.  I will never see a clear path, because life is full of wonderful surprises leading us to expand even more.

I am afraid, ecstatic, at peace, unsure......but I am loving the process with its infuriating slowness.

This is how it is meant to be and my little Benajmin is there to remind me to take it slow because in its slowness, things are changing quickly.  In this continuum change I am savouring the moments that slip by a blink of an eye.

This Summer is going to be a wonderful experience of changed love, of joy, of friendships and family.

These 12 days is what remains between now and then.


Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Love courageously update

I have arrived to day 11 in this love challenge.

As a small update, I have reread the 5 love languages of children and started practising them more with my family. I left a note for my kids in their lunch box, I bought them stuff they needed and wrapped them up as a present, I tell them more that I love them and went on a date with them separately.  We also do special time as much as possible.  It is starting to work - especially with Gregory who is also showing more love back.

In the meantime I had read about the key jar and decided to do it.  Every couple of days during dinner one of us picks a question and everyone answers it.  This is working best with Maya so far but hoping it will catch up with Gregory to.

Appreciation what day 11 is about is sometimes forgotten by me.  So I am making it a point  to show my appreciation possibly daily.  Ways I am showing appreciation is by thanking them for being helpful, for cooperating, for being quiet, for letting me work, for keeping peace..... it makes them feel proud when I tell them this and they are starting to do more of these positive traits.

Tomorrow its day 12 - loving through aggression - this is going to be very interesting as I tend to lean towards aggression myself so I need to learn not just teach.  Possibly so far this will be the most challenging part of loving and I am looking forward to learn and teach and finally get to the best part...being soft and loving 99% of the time :)

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Love courageously day 7

So as part of the love courageously challenge, I will be going through a few weeks where I will focus on the love languages.

the 5 love languages are a very interesting topic I find and while I am pretty sure Maya is a words of affirmation child while Gregory quality time, I still have decided to go through a few weeks going through all the love languages.  Not only will it re confirm that my deductions are correct, but it will also help to teach my children and learn myself how to love in other languages.

I am right now at day 7 and am quite content to stay here for a little bit and fill my days with attention to detail amongst other things.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Love Courageous: critical

Today didn't go as good as yesterday.

My patience wasn't quite there.  Too many things on my mind.

That being said, I was not critical.  And when I thought I could be critical like saying stop whining, I tried saying I know you have a voice there, let me hear it and tell me what you need.

Still, it was really not easy today and I feel a bit of a fail.

I decided to take the kids unexpectedly for a picnic at the new swings near our house.  The idea was greeted enthusiastically but it was a fiasco really.  Gregory didn't enjoy it he said and was quite angry.  It really hurt!  Maya was quite clingy so it was difficult to interact with her older brother.  It was really frustrating!  In the end I realised I picked the wrong day as kids could be seen tired from school- sigh- I still felt like a fail and it still hurt.  But I did acknowledge to them that they seemed tired and I did ask if something was wrong and Gregory did say his school day wasn't quite good and told me a bit about his day which is of course not usual.

Tomorrow will however be a new day and hopefully I will manage to be patient, not critical and kind.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Love Courageously: Patience

Now this can be very tricky.  Since having babies I actually became quite patient.  However I found a lot of triggers for my patience to become short fused in less than a second.

So today I practised patience and well we were all happier as a result.  There were moments where I was getting frustrated and thus impatient and I know it could be heard in my interactions, however, I did manage to keep myself in check and change the situation into a game or something to smile about.

I am really pleased with myself I have to admit and the good start in the challenge gives me more courage to finish it and keep it up.

Mostly  I just saw that the impatience was just me and it didn't really warrant a reaction so I just took that pause first and then let go of my trigger.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

I am going to love courageously

I had started The Love Courageously Challenge but then stopped.

Now that baby's born and things are slowly returning to a more normal state, I decided to start again.

Day 1:  I read the original post that prompted this challenge as requested.  I started to cry.

Because it truly takes a lot of courage to break the habit and right now I am not being courageous but a real coward and letting the old habits take over.  I am disgusted by myself and the repeated sorrys to my children feel like sand in my mouth.  I am ready to become courageous again.  I am sorry it took me so long to get hold of myself again.  I am sorry I have let me children down and I am sad to see them afraid of me when I get angry.

I want to see their smiles on all the time and enjoy my company and me theirs.

I am blessed to have a lot of people to help me along the way and I am looking forward to it.


Tuesday, March 24, 2015

The story of Benjamin Luca

Being a mother for the third time does not make much difference.  You will still be a new mother, navigating new hurdles, learning new things.

It is so amazing really.

Benjamin Luca is different in so many ways.  The choice of names given by the children themselves.

My own choice is still quite apt- Malachi meaning my messenger and my angel.

Starting with pregnancy, I was the most stable hormonally, I ate reasonably and a combination of healthy/unhealthy alternatives, I tired easily and felt nauseous for the first time ever.  I learnt to listen more to my body and my instinct.  I learnt that I can do things I do not normally approve of because later I will still have the opportunity to reset it all. I learnt how good it is to communicate and how it is now helping us move more harmoniously as a family.

Birth....it was wonderful as I practically ticked off all on my wish list for the birth.  That is no interventions what so ever.  A lovely midwife to assist. A husband I could count on. And best of all I caught my own baby.  Yet emotionally I had to give my all.  My projected fears intensified after the last hospital appt and I could not shake them off- which made this birth my longest.  The contractions were harder than any of the others and I had to use strength which I never needed before and my projection of breathing the baby out rather than pushing him made laughing stock of me as I had to push incredibly hard to truly bring him earth side.  The intensity of it made me feel like a caged animal at times- not sure how or where to go.  I could not find a position for the longest time ever and in the end stayed mostly on all fours.  While I still believe I had a lovely birth, I now understand more the mother who says it was horrible and painful and wouldn't do it again or would take all the drugs available.  There in that moment I could see why so many mothers tell horror stories and project unknowingly further fears to other mothers to be.  Yet, it was not pain, it was growing pains because I was growing and learning and he is my messenger in all of this.  It was lovely in every sense and I wouldn't trade it differently.  Yet my heart still aches for what I felt was meant to be and what actually meant to be.  I was also afraid I wouldn't get through it.  I was so hungry, yet when I tried to snack I got so nauseous I could not dream of trying again.  So with waning strength I knew I had to birth him now and I pushed like I never pushed before and with a strength I found I caught him without any assistance and that was the most magical experience.  Suddenly I could collapse in my husband's arms and cradle my baby boy whom I waited for so long.

Even the placenta which normally births on its own in my case, I needed to give it a helpful couple of pushes.  The tree of life was thick and big and amazing.

The day after birth - I discharged myself because my other babies where longing to see me and their baby brother.  I also found no use in staying there doing nothing - at least I could do nothing in my own home.  I felt weak (still hadn't managed to eat) and so tired I admit I could have used a wheelchair to get out of there.  And today I am clear and focused.  I do not feel tired but I am still weak and tiring quickly.  Also all those muscles I used for birthing this little man are claiming there place in protesting on over usage.

And to add to the learning curve, I am experiencing sore nipples.  Ironic being a breastfeeding counsellor! Yet it's another tool for me to use in my work.

I still feel sad and in need of processing what happened and why this particular sadness for being so different from what I anticipated.  Yet I still claim this was the most amazing experience and that the real regret is not negotiating for a photographer to be present.


Tuesday, March 17, 2015

The Doctor forgot he has a client and human being by his side

The anger and upset still bubbles under the surface.

I try to formulate a complaint but the words that come to mind would only rate me as an insane woman probably.

The tension I am feeling is of big consequence for my own well-being and my child's.

I was expecting more or less what happened.  I was not expecting how it was happening.  It was more then unethical to me.

My only regret?  I did not get up from that couch, opened the door and made a scene for all the people waiting in ante-natal to hear and see.

I am still thinking in anger while hearing that I should let go of fear.  A fear that since the birth of Maya it seems to have intensified and the reality of it become even more so.

I decide to wait, wait till the embers cool down, but by no means this is going to be let go.

I was treated as a transaction, like I was not there, as if I did not matter, as if my thoughts did not matter, as if they did not need MY CONSENT for anything, as if I NEEDED to be managed.  He was just closing another chapter with another pregnant woman.  I wonder how many have gone this path with him, how many more will.

I will not rest.  While I was well aware of all this, I experienced it so dimly with my previous births that my commitment probably wasn't complete.  With this, I am irrevocably committed and the war has been waged.

I still shake with tears, I still need to come to terms with it.

I've been told many times that doctors have studied for this and I need to trust them, but the more time pass the less I trust them and unless they start proving otherwise I will not be trusting one very soon.

So utterly disappointed.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

The waiting game is on

I was never a fan of waiting, although I got a good education in learning to wait.

This time round waiting for my little one to make a move is becoming quite a challenge at times.

Sometimes I get overly anxious and I wonder if this is truly my third pregnancy or should it be my first!  Things that never crossed my mind before run around the mill getting me to over think and wonder and worry.  Then my support reminds me of things that for some reason I seem to have forgotten and am reassured.

I remember to enjoy this moment and live in the now.  But I am being picky lately on many things and the now is just too much.  I can't live now if baby is not born :)

I meditate and hear my birthing CD and take time to relax and nap and do mostly nothing.  The kids sense my retreat and leave me be most of the time even if I can see it in their eyes the longing to come near, to play......it breaks my heart but at the same time I need to separate from them for a little bit.

So in between the chaos that has taken hold of my house, I breathe and remember that my body and baby know best.  I visibly relax and wait- and live the waiting game.  IT is soon, very soon, I can feel it in every fibre of my being but the when eludes me yet.  So I breathe and let go of everything because later I will have time to keep the house and play and laugh.  Now is the time to sit still and reflect and wait.

I am snappy and withdrawn but that is OK, because I am soon to bring earthside this little baby and I am needed more to live within rather then on the outside.

I was never good at going against my nature and instinct.  So expectations are flown out of the window.  I try to keep commitments but I know I am failing miserably because my instinct tells me to forget it all and I trust my inner voice.  It's exciting and tiring and the waiting- well it gives me time to reflect on a whole lot of things which are making more sense and are helping me change more into the woman I want to be- I am already but still in its budding state.

The mother goddess is awaiting eagerly because every wait, is worth it!




Thursday, February 12, 2015

The inner side of me

As I start my 3rd trimester, I internalise the heaviness of my body, the bigness it now is.

I slow down and move inward into myself as I prepare myself and my baby to birth.

We both know our roles, we both know it will be an amazing journey, we are both looking forward to actually see each other face to face.  To smell each other -  that sweet smell of mother and child just birthed and born.  To engage in our senses and let the rest of life pass us by as we drink from that unique moment of love.

I have a vision in my head, in all probability it will not all happen that way, but I'd like to think that life and God and his angels will move heaven and earth to let me experience a bit of that vision.

Our lives are once more changing and it is exciting to know we are on a wave that will take us where ever it wants for a while; until we find a footing and we will anchor our new dynamics and ideals and embrace the changes and the differences......terrifying but exciting!

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Tough February

It gets tough at times.

Being 34 weeks pregnant, a ton of work, the house, the family........

My body and mind and every bit of my being is telling me to let it all go and breathe.

I am telling it to wait till the end of the month.

The truth is that I can't really wait that long.  I am exhausted and the whole family is having repercussions.

So in the midst of all this chaos I am starting to create space because even if I did not want to my mind is not co-operating and I find myself blank of what I need to do.

This should be the last week were I have something everyday.  As of next week I will have to keep a less busy schedule because my family including the coming baby is worth more than any work I am doing right now.  So maybe I am leaving it all at the worse possible moment but then I wonder when there is a good moment at all!

Today I am grateful: that I cooked a nice meal
that I cleaned the whole house
that my body sustained these rigours till I actually needed to do so
that I am now sitting in bed resting
that I yelled today, because it reminded me that I am taking on too much and my family needs me sane
that I am reading something for me not work related
that I am finding lots of support around me in every aspect of life
that despite my insecurities I am pushing through with my instinct most of the time
that life is sweeter than I anticipated

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

4 years ago....

......I had a baby girl and she grew into this 4 year old

full of love, joy and happiness.
excited for her celebration with Nanna & Nannu



dressed as a fairy for her actual birthday

she wanted a party :)

she was so excited and had a lovely day

we also went to the petting farm


but all the excitement tired her out so we ended the party with a meltdown.  Later though she was happy again and slept happily surrounded with her helium balloon