Monday, December 31, 2012

It's New Year's Eve.

Another year has incredibly come to a close.

I am terrified of the coming year......my oldest will be four in January and my youngest two.  And they have suddenly grown oh so much that I think -gosh how much more will they grow this new year? and how is it that Maya is nearing kindergarten already?

Yes I feel time slipping out of my hands and many a time I feel like I haven't accomplished anything with my kids.  That I haven't parented them at all - like they just ran wild without direction from me or Dave.  It is terrifying thinking about this.....and yet I know we did do sooooooo many things and taught our kids lots.

So I embrace this new coming year with a focus on sharing, taking turns, waiting and respect.  I am quite excited about it all because its the first time I decided to find a parenting focus for the year.

Hopefully, I will also give you, monthly updates so we can all see together any progress we might be doing.

While I am still at home nursing my flu turned infection, I wish you all a safe and joyous journey into 2013!

Monday, December 17, 2012

Capturing moments

Here are a selection of pics taken this Autumn.
Valletta fountain- November

A walk after school - November

Learning about Advent through drawing - December

The cousins- last week just before they started their new adventure in the UK

Nature - Saturday

Nature - Saturday

Nature- Saturday

Looking inside wells- Saturday

Sunset- Saturday

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Advent

Because I want my kids to learn and appreciate our Roman Catholic Church more than I have ever done so far, I try and incorporate traditions in our daily lives that include the Church.  So at the moment we are observing Advent - the coming of Christ.

We are doing this by having an Advent Wreath which we are lighting every week, an advent calendar which tells the story of Jesus rather than having sweets and stuff not essential for this feast and by drawing on our
Advent colouring book.

I am enjoying these just as much as the kids as I really am learning and appreciating our religion more.  However, I woke up this week to the fact that I am teaching the kids about it but I am not observing it myself.  This is an omission I decided to rectify not only for me but also for my babes who learn by copying.

You might be wondering what I haven't been doing..... well Advent should be a small Lent and so I will start fasting as from tomorrow.  It is also a time where we should pray more and that has been unfortunately lacking recently.  It is also a time of almsgiving - helping out those in need.


May this post inspire you to do the same.

Many blessings!

Sunday, November 25, 2012

The emerging woman

When Gregory was born and 2 years later Maya, I was so happy to stay home.  To be for that point in time just a mother and wife.  I was blessed to have been given such a privilege.

Four years down the line, I am ready to go back into the world.  To mingle with people.  To do stuff.  I am increasingly aware of my struggle to keep it simple.  It is why I now know I have been feeling the need to slow down.  Because my capricious mind had been hopping with ideas and I have been accepting more 'work' than I can possibly handle with still a toddler at home.  I was forgetting that my little girl is still very little and needs me. I was forgetting that while my little man started Kindergarten, he is still very young and needs me as well.

The woman in me is screaming to come forth.  Show the world the transformations that happened to me in these four years.  I sometimes get impatient waiting, biding my time, keeping the family as the top priority.  I sometimes want roles I am holding outside the home to be more recognised and than I humbly thank God for reminding me that my principal role is still to be at home with the kids.

It's a struggle at best and the need to slow down still comes plenty to my mind.  To find calm in the chaos of my mind.  To be still.

However, the waiting is also exciting.  It gives new meaning to life.  Because I know when my opportunity to fully emerge will come it will be a blowing experience.

And so I wait.
I struggle.
Slow down.
Take too many things out.
Slow down again.

I let the ups and downs to guide me. The tides to flow. I listen and sigh and wish and know that soon my time will come......


Saturday, November 10, 2012

Our Amazing life

A beautiful 7 spotted ladybird 
Kiddos & hubs on one of our hikes 
Great White Butterfly

having a snack

feeling and learning on bugs

Was amazed at the beauty and thankful this little creature let me capture him on camera

playing in the luggage

showing off his culinary skills

doing a puzzle with my help

enjoying nature

my sweet girl

Friday, November 2, 2012

November


Autumn has been an uneven season so far.

Too many things are happening and as I said before, I constantly feel the need to slow down but somehow ain't managing.

In view of this, I decided to build a weekly calendar of activities and other things that need be doing.  A schedule to help balance the need of everyone.  The only unforeseeable is my clients as a Breastfeeding Counselor - as they come in fits and can take a lot of hours and days out of my week.  It is good that I am having clients but I am  still first and foremost the mother of 2 very young children and so I need to give them their routine and schedule.  Heck I need it myself!

Towards living the season: pumpkin carving, All Soul's Day cookies, St Martin's feast and of course Advent will soon start.

Towards nurturing the bodies: more time outside, warming healthy foods to keep the sickness at bay and warm clothing - even though our weather doesn't seem much cold right now.

Towards tending the home: another Spring cleaning session is soon due....its mainly just me holding back in view of waiting for new tiles to come and be laid.

Towards nurturing the spirit: learning Religion through activities, stories and trying to be of the best example possible.  I have to say that for the past month I have been very pleased with my own results on temper holding and discipline giving.  I am so thankful for all the guides I have been having to help me along the way.

Towards giving grace:

211. hearing I love you many times
212. lots of hugs and kisses to his younger sister
213. progress at our house
214. clients for me
215. being sick - a reminder to slow down
216. lots of fun things to look forward to
217. lots of help
218. time alone with hubs
219. cosy duvets
220. bargaining while playing



Thursday, October 18, 2012

Slowly

It's been a very long while since I posted.

Autumn started, than it reverted back to Summer and now, well now Autumn seems to be starting up slowly again.

Slowly.
Slow down.

These words have been haunting me for 2 weeks now.  Things happened and whenever something happened, these words reeled in my head.  I came to realise that my enthusiasm for helping in school, working with breastfeeding mothers and so on had taken over my life.  To the point were while I thought I was giving myself to caring for my daughter at home, my mind was on something else.

It's been a hard 2 weeks to bear.  Because I need to keep reminding myself to slow down.  To go back to my original path and slowly, slowly build up from there.  But minds are fickle and mine keeps wandering the path forbidden.

And because I am moving again on my path, I came to see how my ideas and thoughts of 6 months ago are making a full circle and coming back at seemingly the right moment.  How, what's been hibernating in the depths of my heart is coming back to life and yes slowly, slowly I am seeing the light.

So I plod. I remind myself. Sometimes I scream and give myself a headache. Stop, slow down and think.

It is all clicking now!

Sunday, August 19, 2012

A cold shower

This week I thought how easy it is to parent children but difficult to parent ourselves.  I haven't got it wrong believe me!

Think: our kids learn by example, and because we know this we soon start finding our shortcomings.  Trying to better ourselves to teach our children is a battle of wills, a struggle, an immense struggle.

This week I also came across a few words from the book The Witch of Portobello by Paulo Coelho.

Learn by teaching.

And I realised that was exactly it.  I am learning how to better myself and grow because my children's growth and understanding are invaluable to the world.

Whenever you focus on what you are doing like the simple task of washing up, focusing on each rub, being thankful that you have washing up to do and you are worshipping God, thanking Him, loving Him and loving all those around you.  

When we focus, stop and listen we do not just worship God but we are teaching our children how to find joy in the most mundane things in life.  How every excuse is given to us to love and give love.

When we stop focusing on the unnecessary stuff which this world make it look like its imperative for us not to do so, life not only becomes simpler and more joyful, but also fulfilled and thankful and of course full of love.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Looking inside my heart

Today I am tired.

I have been unkind to my children and sarcastic to my husband.

My body has been sluggish and tired.

My thoughts have been escaping my own mind for fear of what it might all imply.

But today also happened to be a change.  I've read once more part of the book by Anodea Judith - Eastern body, Western Mind.  It helped me realise many things.  Than I also just received an email from my spiritual mentor and saw how what she told me reflected what I was doing and feeling and not acknowledging.

Today I am tired but tomorrow is a brand new day which I will tackle with care and perception.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

The graces carry on

211. A hot Summer
212. The sea to swim in
213. Water at home to bathe and cool down
214. Fans to cool us down
215. laughter in the house
216. Lots of fruit
217. Time to meditate again
218. Time to read alone
219. Slowly the end of the nappy era is coming
220. teaching children
221. volunteering
222. good results in my studies
223. BBQs
224. helping hands
225. Electricity
226. Hand me down clothes & shoes
227. Celebrating birthdays and other special occasions
228. Bad news - something good will surely come out of it
229. finding a routine again
230. Praying together

Raising a son

Is probably the most difficult thing we have to go through as mothers.  Because boys have been for centuries led to believe they should be tough etc.

So when my 3 year old cries I am admonished for reaching out to him because he should toughen up.  If he comes for comfort I am cuddling him too much and will not be a man.  If he sees all the beautiful sparkly stuff we girls have I am told he shouldn't be allowed to try them or he'll turn out gay.  And the list goes on.

Its a constant battle of me vs the rest of the world including my own family.

It is sometimes a battle against myself because I was brought up in this type of world and when he asks to put on the red ballerina pumps or the hair pins it does push my comfort zone and yet I can't tell him no.  I can't shame him into believing it is either black or white and how can i blame him for wanting to try the girl stuff when boy stuff is so bland and boring?

Yesterday Maya wanted me to paint her toes like I do and he got interested and wanted his too.  I know men do paint their nails nowadays but it felt girlish and I wasn't very comfy and I knew I would receive an assault of what you dids etc which of course undermined my confidence.  In the end we agreed on just 2 nails.  He was happy to try it out and I was happy not to have told him a plain no- although I did say that it's mainly girls that paint their nails!

It is frustrating trying balancing things out.

Many a time I am confused on how to deal with such a situation because of how I am made to feel by others.  It shouldn't be and while I try to ignore it, it is very difficult to carry on especially when you lack lots of support.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Maya - 18 months

I am way due for an update on my little girl!

She seems to grow so fast, that I have to pinch myself at times.

She is a toddler now, verging into childhood already.  She talks in phrases and understands literally everything I ask.  From babyhood she knew what she wanted and this is now looking more pronounced especially when it comes to clothes.  Yeah she is a girl and LOVES dressing up.  Lately she started putting on my stuff and feeling happy about it and especially proud of walking in my pink heeled shoes.

When she feels like she can recite the numbers up till 14 without a mistake and tell her ABCs till G without a mistake.  She is getting more into dolls, though still not her main play thing, and loves to pretend cook just like her bro and just like her bro she simply enjoys playing  with planes - if he is there with her to do so!

She was always an easy eater so we haven't had issues and eats practically everything - though she does have favourites and dislikes!  She enjoys reading and drawing....on everything but paper!!!  What Gregory never did she has done and now HE is copying her!!  However now that  I started homeschooling, she is getting better and drawing only on papers given rather than walls or furniture.

She dislikes TV - probably mostly because she sees it as a threat- since we do not take notice of her when it is on and consequently she learnt how to put it off for us.  Still if she has Barney on, she maybe will view it for 5 mins only - I am actually very happy about this.

The smile she was born with is bigger and brighter than ever and her laughter fills the house when she is playing with her brother.  It is a joy for me to hear them talking to each other and especially sweet when he tells her to say OK to something and she obliges.  Other times she just says no to him and especially loves to get under his skin which of course annoys the heck out of him.  She is one big teaser!

She runs, tries to jump and loves to swim.  Playing in the sand or in the field.  On the swings and the slides.  Reciting nursery rhythms and building tower blocks.  Trying her hand at puzzles.

she loves to cuddle and giving hugs and kisses.

Maya  has brought balance.  Whereas  Greg tends to be moody she is the smiling happy go lucky girl that balances each other out.

I am blessed, we are blessed to have her and at 18 months her screaming nos echoing through the house are like music to my ears.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

wordless wednesday

Big brother hugging his little sister

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Moving Towards Summer

Having both kids again at home will be tiring but lovely.

Only 2 weeks left and I can start my own schooling.  Enjoying ourselves while learning oh so many things.  I planned, changed plans, again and again and finally I think we have the final product for Summer.  AND IT'S GONNA ROCK!

Towards living the Season: swimming - hopefully at the beach though we are on jelly fish alert this year, but the pool at home is already a hit! doing sand castles and balloon fights

Towards learning: abc games,  search the alphabet, dot to dot, colouring with crayons, pencils, biros, water paints -with brushes, hands, feet- on paper, cardboard, floors, wood- learning basic words in different languages for the fun of it, reading oh yes lots of reading!

Towards helping: dusting, setting tables, cooking with me, cleaning the bathroom

Towards building Faith: circle time, Church, Bible reading

Towards being a family: going places and doing things together every weekend, every day and every spare time possible

I am excited for the first time ever since I was a kid about Summer.  Can't wait to share our days with you!

Friday, June 1, 2012

Facing myself

I have a client.  My first one.  I am truly blessed of this.

Yet I sorely stare at my inadequacy- my lack of experience. At the same time feel in awe at myself.  For the amount of things  I learnt which I would have never thought of before.  For looking objectively at my ways with this client and seeing that I need to work more on talking less and listening more.

Its a wonderful learning curve I am in right now.  Something which with care and attention I can extend to my own family.  To provide the love and support not just to any random person in the street but also to my own loved ones in a more maybe objective way.

The most thrilling feeling however is the fact that this is just the beginning.  That I am starting to do something I really truly love.  That I know I  will take it much further than just this first stop.  I am seeing paths lighting up in my way.  Paths I had wanted to pursue but never got there- because I now see it wasn't the right time for them.  Yet, it is clear now that these paths are still in the achievable dreams.

I am elated!

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Spring in pictures

Playing in the sand and sea, camping, walking in the country, watching planes, sowing in the field, looking closely at caterpillars......











Saturday, April 21, 2012

Its today my special day

Its my birthday, I'm so happy, happy, happy today!

I've always wished to have a special birthday.  For my lucky birthday I went abroad but I felt nothing and was disappointed.  For my 30th I did a party and the same thing happened.  But this year :) it was different and I feel in heaven!

We decided to go camping because we had a camp for the past 3-4 years and never used it.  I thought it would be fun and interesting for the kids and so we went for just 1 night as a tester.  I had so much fun ... and than Dave surprised me with a present a chamilia bracelet I'd been wishing since I heard about them and it was the best birthday present ever really. 

Back home this morning was an array of errands and than at the airport to meet my cousin...well that was the best 2nd birthday present meeting her again together with her little baby girl.  We didn't say much-she had a long flight and was tired and really I am just excited knowing that we have 3 months were we can meet hopefully every other day and talk incessantly about life and kids.

Again at home I found a packet from my long distance friend with a lot of lovely nicknacks and I feel so blessed and happy :)

Its been a great day and I am sure we will have a great evening and tomorrow our 6th wedding anniversary will be just as fantastic and special I know!

daddy playing with our kids

the view from our camp site

me and my rascals

daddy with his girl

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

191 - 210 joys

191. lots of words
192. calling and seeking each other's company
193. spontaneous thanking
194. learning bartering
195. sharing
196. thinking of others
197. starting to want her way- bring on the terrible twos!
198. lots of ideas for the Summer
199. making music
200. reading, lots of reading
201. an imperfect house- because others dont have one
202. water & electricity
203. the possibilty to help others
204. pregnancy (not me)- its always a lovely miracle
205. spontaneous nice patting from my daughter
206. requesting bandi (swings)
207. a bigger apetite
208. the joy of splashing water all over
209. waiting for Summer
210. sitting still

Friday, April 13, 2012

Spring

I wish to write but my thoughts jam up.

The road has been quite winding recently that I lost sight of a lot of things.

So I have been tired and cranky and it wasn't just having 2 kids at home while on Easter holidays (though that didn't help).

I forgot to still my mind for the past month and a half.  I didn't make time for God.  I don't even know what I did really- it's more like nothing and here I am today suddenly realising that I lost my track. 

My mind skips from plans for next week, to Summer, to Autumn and Winter coming.  Gosh!

And today it is raining again.  Spring has come nice and sweet and yet Wintery moments persist.  I see this as a way to show me that I need to go back to my Winter schedule.  I need to rest but my mind is too occupied, I try to still it but it simply won't listen.  I worry, I get angry.....

I remember my New Year's words- trust and surrender. 

So I sit here and while writing feel like a big clog has been taken away.  I am lighter and happier.  Still worried but my mind quieter.  I am going back to my path, to seek the face of God, to enjoy motherhood and be confident of being me.

Trust and Surrender- powerful words I was afraid to use and now I seek them more and more.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Life at school- uneasiness

Since the day I got to know who my son's teacher would be at kindergarten I felt uneasy. 

Originally we were advised of a different teacher, with whom we were pleased and our son seemed to like.  It would have been a class of 14 students- not big really- and we were happy.  Than last minute we were told that the education department asked them to put the new students (4) into a different class with a different teacher and where given one which had just gone out on pension. 

Of course we were biased on the fact that from a young, sweet and energetic teacher he was getting this oldish (62 yrs), not energetic and not inspiring teacher.  However, this notwithstanding, I had an unease in my stomach.  It subsided when Gregory started going quite happy to school and seemed to transfer trust to his teacher but still there was this lingering doubt.

Than of course started those little things which would infuriate me like seeing my always lefthanded son trying to eat and draw with his right side.  I told him not to listen to anyone who tells him to use his right unless he is happy to do it and he has now reverted to left handedness.  Than the incident were I was told to give him only bread for school as he makes a mess with the other food or the fact that crackers which he used to eat daily started coming  back and Greg telling me that the teacher told him no beacause they are messy.  I told him that if he wants to eat them he should not listen to his teacher and today I gave them to him not in the plastic so he can just munch on them.  Or the punishments that he constantly mentions of which I am not happy.  Or the many rumours which are actually founded that she shouts a lot, sometimes raises her hands on them and now that the door between the two kindergarten classes is being kept closed.

My son seems happy about school.  Yet I am not comfortable with this teacher.  I will of course speak with the headmaster and I will probably have to confront her eventually.  Today me and another mother have written a letter tot he education department- her daughter has got out so negatively from this teacher that she doesn't want to go to school anymore!  The education department called her and we wrote also this letter and hope that the teacher is removed fast, hopefully by mid April.

Just now I am wondering if I am doing the right thing since he seems good and happy.  At the same time he doesn't tell me anything about school and asking questions doesn't really get him to tell me much anyway.  Today she told me that he is a big boy to take the breast.  What does she care anyway?  Since we are happy with this arrangement and doesn't effect her schooling she shouldn't question my decision and she shouldn't do it regardless really.

I am sad that she seems to be discipline wise completely the opposite if what I was hoping he will get at school.
I am threatened by this woman because I do not feel confident enough in the way I should handle her
I am afraid of her effect unbeknown to me she is having on my son
I am angry that the headmaster is doing nothing about it even though he has had several complaints not from her own students' parents but also from others when she was supplementing.
I am livid that she thinks she knows best what is good for my son & that communication with her is only limited to the way it suits her
I am concerned because no one seems willing to tell me how my son's day proceeds or how he reacts to certain things- there is no parents day for kindergarten and i simply can not understand why.

And the only way out of this is for me to get out of my comfort zone and engage all people concerned till I get the results required.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

What goes through my son's mind

Here are a few random conversations that happened today with my son:

Me: Tomorrow you and Maya will stay with grandma while me and daddy go to a wedding.  There will be Uncle Gabe & Aunt Dodo, Audrey & Daniel and Petra & Andrew who are getting married.
Greg: Uncle Gabe & Aunt Dodo come to grandma house
Me: They can't we will all be at the wedding.
Greg: I love Uncle Gabe & Aunt Dodo
Me: Do you miss them?  Shall I see when we can meet them?
Greg: Yes- come our home & do a cushion fight

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Greg: Thank you mummy for the flowers
Me: You're welcome

These sudden thank yous are all very much cherished :) and are becoming more common by the day

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Greg: Maya don't play with the switch or you get a punishment (punishment unfortunately he learnt courtesy of his teacher!)

Love this little man of mine, he is becoming such a wonderful guy !



Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Clinging

There is my cheeky son!  He is 3 years and started school a month ago.

Gregory at this age can be a joy to be around.  Telling stories or just telling you what will happen next during the day or just an insight on something that happened at school.  He has LOTS of energy and enjoys laughing that beautiful smile of his.

He is also very much clinging to his last vestiges of babyhood.  As if letting go of them will somehow change everything.  Its more a reversal to some toddler ways really like won't eat unless given to him which alas I will have to put my foot down as it is also effecting his eating at school.  Suddenly telling me that he can't put on or off clothes and shoes or cut the veggies.  The problem here would stem into a tantrum of he can't do it but doesn't want me to help him do it.  It can be a tight rope!
We are still finding it difficult to have him understand emotions and needs or wants which still causes tantrums.  That is our ongoing battle.

On the other hand, he is starting to show empathy once in a blue moon.  He also started to show affection to those around him by hugging them.  Saying please and thank you and sometimes sorry without our prompting at all.  Started to sing songs whereas generally he doesn't quite like to join in (although he does tend to sing them to himself and not with us or so on).

He is still very volatile but it is getting better, very, very, extremely, slowly.  I catch myself worrying way too much on him.  I need to release him more into the world after all he is accountable for his own feelings and while I still need to guide him for still quite a long time, I also need to show him that he is accountable for anything he does, says or decides and while I am always there for him, he needs to find his own path.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Communicating Feelings

How do you express sadness over events that happened in an appropiate way?

I do not know myself-My little man needs a lot of communication skills to learn and yet unless I learn them myself first, he will not get there himself.

So today I struggle.  Struggle to understand why the sadness I felt this morning over Greg hurtng myself and Maya.  The sadness of expressing his own anger in aggression, was expressed by myself as anger and aggression.  Can you see a pattern?

Yeah I am the one who is teaching him the bad ways while advocating he shouldn't do it!  Truthfully I forgive myself for this transgression and am happy to know that I am aware of it.  BUT how do I change it to non violent action and positive teaching?

-Sigh- I have no idea.  With Greg being in school, I haven't had a lot of episodes like this.  Today being a holiday we woke up all in arms and getting at  each other.  It saddened me because I do not want his days at home to be full of anger and resentment and aggression.

I will sit with this question today, ask for guidance and let it churn in my head.  An answer will surely come forth.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Trust and Surrender- the real face of it

Its a hard lesson I learnt today.

This year I chose a word or rather words that marked my path for 2012 and those words were trust and surrender.

Gregory was ready to go to school.  He wanted to even today while clutching to me he wanted to stay.  But of course it is hard to jump into the unknown.  So imagine a 3 yr old having to do this- something WE find extremely difficult to do ourselves.

Today I learnt my lesson the hard way- it was me who had to cut him loose.  It was me who had to show him that I trusted him, his teacher, his whole school and that he can be fine without me.  I had to show him how to build that inner strength.  In actual fact I have already done all this in these 3 years and today, it was time to start the process of letting go.

A mother can make or break her son.  If I went for him earlier that the time the actual school ends (like it was suggested), it would have been for me not for him.  Because I missed him of course.  So I didn't go.  I am here waiting for the time to pass so I go pick him up.  If I cried, fussed and so on I would have shown lack of trust.

So today I learnt what real trust and surrender means.  I lifted my arms to God in heaven and told him that I trusted He will keep my son safe and  happy.  I told myself in a mantra that I gave my son the tools to be fine alone at school. And when my husband said that we are sure to get a phone call to pick him up I quickly said that we will not because Greg is happy to go to school.  That he has to trust him and be positive!

Its hard, very hard, to know that after 9 months in your womb and 3 years living attached to you, you must begin the process of letting him grow. That unless I pushed him towards this path he will flounder and won't cross the bridge.

Today was indeed a hard lesson.  However, it was a blessing of lesson and I am grateful that we did it and that in 30 minutes we can reconnect and tell each other what happened.

I am now looking forward to this new era - just me and Maya, being more relaxed and having more time to reflect.

1st day of school




My heart beats wildly
Temper flares
A thumping head
Scalding eyes

My fingers tremble
As I feed him b'fast
I am so proud
Yet falling to pieces

He clutches to me
Not wanting me to leave
I soothe him down
Holding back tears

My last goodbye
And I leave
Hearing him howling behind
I don't look back

My heart beats wildly
My scalding eyes
I nurse my lil' one to sleep
And my tears flow.

The house feels empty
His toys strewn around
That ache in my heart
Of strings starting to cut loose

Tears follow tears
But I know..
I gave him the tools to adapt
And he'll be fine!



Friday, January 27, 2012

Conversations and thoughts

Its mind blowing when I think my boy- my first new born- has turned 3 and next Wednesday is starting preschool or as it is locally known kindergarten.

It is actually time for me to let go of his hand and for him to fledge.  I know we are both ready for this change.  I know we are both looking forward to it.  But I am also very painfully aware that this transition is going to be a bit tough and we are both scared stiff.

For this last week he started wetting the bed again even during nap time.  I soon realised that its all stress related.  In that little mind of his, he is making the connections and realising that school is suddenly round the corner.  He is petrified at the idea of me not being there with him.

Today while going to school for a brief meeting and seeing once more his teacher and so on he hugged me close (no walking) and this conversation followed.

I don't want to go to school alone
Are you afraid?
Yes
You'd like to go to school but want me with you?
Yes
You know even I am scared.  Its something new and we will be apart from each other but just like I come back for you when at grandma I will at school.
But I don't want to go alone
Listen, you will try it out for 3 days ok and another 5 days.  If you are still not happy you can stop going and try again next year. 
OK
Believe me I simply do not know how I will manage not to cry on Wednesday morning in front of him.  This morning during that conversation, I fought more tears than I ever did before.  However once inside his classroom he was quite happy to mix with the kids and play with them (at the time building blocks).  He did come for help whenever something didn't go according to his way and I tried to let the teacher guide him by telling him that here it is Ms Joanne whom he has to ask for help mummy is just looking- didn't work much I admit but still....

And yes if after a week he does insist on not wanting to go to school I will not make him go.  After all this is pre-school and next year is a brand new day :)

Saturday, January 21, 2012

3 candles for Gregory

He might be 3 years today but he is still a young little man.

He has changed so much really and yet affirmed his character much more.

playing with his tea set
He talks pretty fluently, he shares when he feels like, he plays with his sister when he's in the mood, he can eat like a champ or refuse anything you do (except breastmilk ha! he never says no to that still and although there many a time where I feel fed up of nursing two kids, there are also many moments where I remember that this is lasting a while longer while the love and trust I am building will last a lifetime).


He's got such a will, that trying to teach him while not crushing it is extremely difficult.

But that big open smile, his wonder at nature and enjoyment of life, make up for those moments that result in unconsolable crying that make up his life right now.  The moments where he is not sure what he is feeling or how to express it.  The moments of tiredness he refuses to acknowledge.  The moments of hunger he refuses to quench.  The moments of attention he refuses to wait for.

He is a bundle of storm in the middle of sunshine his sister amenates.

He might sound difficult to many but really he is quite easy.

Happy 3rd birthday Gregory!

Saturday, January 14, 2012

One year today

She is one today!




A toddler- no more a baby!

She walks, talks, climbs and tries to run.

She is full of expressions and love and smiles.


I wonder where time has gone....
You've grown so quickly that I hardly ever think you were a baby.

Love you loads Maya Abigail!




Thursday, January 12, 2012

Counting more blessings

I am still slowly counting the many blessings God has given me and waiting to be revealed that hidden grace!

180. Enjoying opening presents
181. Knowing how to use a knife
182. Poorly days in front of the TV
183. The slow progress in my life
184. Washing machines
185. Good weather to dry the clothes
186. Rainy days because we need them
187. Hiking with our son
188. The ability to buy what we need
189. Living next door to family
190. Eagerly waiting to see my cousin

Monday, January 9, 2012

The year 2012

It hasn't started the way I planned it.

Of course whatever we plan is subject to change according to God's will.  And sometimes its just our own lack of will.

Surrender and Trust!

I wonder how many times I will repeat that till I eventually let go and let my will do what it should be doing.

That said I feel that the break I have been seeking is near.  I look forward to embrace this chance in all its forms.

I have decided to trust and surrender this time without doubts.  To open up and let my heart be filled with the beautiful melody of life!

Monday, December 31, 2012

It's New Year's Eve.

Another year has incredibly come to a close.

I am terrified of the coming year......my oldest will be four in January and my youngest two.  And they have suddenly grown oh so much that I think -gosh how much more will they grow this new year? and how is it that Maya is nearing kindergarten already?

Yes I feel time slipping out of my hands and many a time I feel like I haven't accomplished anything with my kids.  That I haven't parented them at all - like they just ran wild without direction from me or Dave.  It is terrifying thinking about this.....and yet I know we did do sooooooo many things and taught our kids lots.

So I embrace this new coming year with a focus on sharing, taking turns, waiting and respect.  I am quite excited about it all because its the first time I decided to find a parenting focus for the year.

Hopefully, I will also give you, monthly updates so we can all see together any progress we might be doing.

While I am still at home nursing my flu turned infection, I wish you all a safe and joyous journey into 2013!

Monday, December 17, 2012

Capturing moments

Here are a selection of pics taken this Autumn.
Valletta fountain- November

A walk after school - November

Learning about Advent through drawing - December

The cousins- last week just before they started their new adventure in the UK

Nature - Saturday

Nature - Saturday

Nature- Saturday

Looking inside wells- Saturday

Sunset- Saturday

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Advent

Because I want my kids to learn and appreciate our Roman Catholic Church more than I have ever done so far, I try and incorporate traditions in our daily lives that include the Church.  So at the moment we are observing Advent - the coming of Christ.

We are doing this by having an Advent Wreath which we are lighting every week, an advent calendar which tells the story of Jesus rather than having sweets and stuff not essential for this feast and by drawing on our
Advent colouring book.

I am enjoying these just as much as the kids as I really am learning and appreciating our religion more.  However, I woke up this week to the fact that I am teaching the kids about it but I am not observing it myself.  This is an omission I decided to rectify not only for me but also for my babes who learn by copying.

You might be wondering what I haven't been doing..... well Advent should be a small Lent and so I will start fasting as from tomorrow.  It is also a time where we should pray more and that has been unfortunately lacking recently.  It is also a time of almsgiving - helping out those in need.


May this post inspire you to do the same.

Many blessings!

Sunday, November 25, 2012

The emerging woman

When Gregory was born and 2 years later Maya, I was so happy to stay home.  To be for that point in time just a mother and wife.  I was blessed to have been given such a privilege.

Four years down the line, I am ready to go back into the world.  To mingle with people.  To do stuff.  I am increasingly aware of my struggle to keep it simple.  It is why I now know I have been feeling the need to slow down.  Because my capricious mind had been hopping with ideas and I have been accepting more 'work' than I can possibly handle with still a toddler at home.  I was forgetting that my little girl is still very little and needs me. I was forgetting that while my little man started Kindergarten, he is still very young and needs me as well.

The woman in me is screaming to come forth.  Show the world the transformations that happened to me in these four years.  I sometimes get impatient waiting, biding my time, keeping the family as the top priority.  I sometimes want roles I am holding outside the home to be more recognised and than I humbly thank God for reminding me that my principal role is still to be at home with the kids.

It's a struggle at best and the need to slow down still comes plenty to my mind.  To find calm in the chaos of my mind.  To be still.

However, the waiting is also exciting.  It gives new meaning to life.  Because I know when my opportunity to fully emerge will come it will be a blowing experience.

And so I wait.
I struggle.
Slow down.
Take too many things out.
Slow down again.

I let the ups and downs to guide me. The tides to flow. I listen and sigh and wish and know that soon my time will come......


Saturday, November 10, 2012

Our Amazing life

A beautiful 7 spotted ladybird 
Kiddos & hubs on one of our hikes 
Great White Butterfly

having a snack

feeling and learning on bugs

Was amazed at the beauty and thankful this little creature let me capture him on camera

playing in the luggage

showing off his culinary skills

doing a puzzle with my help

enjoying nature

my sweet girl

Friday, November 2, 2012

November


Autumn has been an uneven season so far.

Too many things are happening and as I said before, I constantly feel the need to slow down but somehow ain't managing.

In view of this, I decided to build a weekly calendar of activities and other things that need be doing.  A schedule to help balance the need of everyone.  The only unforeseeable is my clients as a Breastfeeding Counselor - as they come in fits and can take a lot of hours and days out of my week.  It is good that I am having clients but I am  still first and foremost the mother of 2 very young children and so I need to give them their routine and schedule.  Heck I need it myself!

Towards living the season: pumpkin carving, All Soul's Day cookies, St Martin's feast and of course Advent will soon start.

Towards nurturing the bodies: more time outside, warming healthy foods to keep the sickness at bay and warm clothing - even though our weather doesn't seem much cold right now.

Towards tending the home: another Spring cleaning session is soon due....its mainly just me holding back in view of waiting for new tiles to come and be laid.

Towards nurturing the spirit: learning Religion through activities, stories and trying to be of the best example possible.  I have to say that for the past month I have been very pleased with my own results on temper holding and discipline giving.  I am so thankful for all the guides I have been having to help me along the way.

Towards giving grace:

211. hearing I love you many times
212. lots of hugs and kisses to his younger sister
213. progress at our house
214. clients for me
215. being sick - a reminder to slow down
216. lots of fun things to look forward to
217. lots of help
218. time alone with hubs
219. cosy duvets
220. bargaining while playing



Thursday, October 18, 2012

Slowly

It's been a very long while since I posted.

Autumn started, than it reverted back to Summer and now, well now Autumn seems to be starting up slowly again.

Slowly.
Slow down.

These words have been haunting me for 2 weeks now.  Things happened and whenever something happened, these words reeled in my head.  I came to realise that my enthusiasm for helping in school, working with breastfeeding mothers and so on had taken over my life.  To the point were while I thought I was giving myself to caring for my daughter at home, my mind was on something else.

It's been a hard 2 weeks to bear.  Because I need to keep reminding myself to slow down.  To go back to my original path and slowly, slowly build up from there.  But minds are fickle and mine keeps wandering the path forbidden.

And because I am moving again on my path, I came to see how my ideas and thoughts of 6 months ago are making a full circle and coming back at seemingly the right moment.  How, what's been hibernating in the depths of my heart is coming back to life and yes slowly, slowly I am seeing the light.

So I plod. I remind myself. Sometimes I scream and give myself a headache. Stop, slow down and think.

It is all clicking now!

Sunday, August 19, 2012

A cold shower

This week I thought how easy it is to parent children but difficult to parent ourselves.  I haven't got it wrong believe me!

Think: our kids learn by example, and because we know this we soon start finding our shortcomings.  Trying to better ourselves to teach our children is a battle of wills, a struggle, an immense struggle.

This week I also came across a few words from the book The Witch of Portobello by Paulo Coelho.

Learn by teaching.

And I realised that was exactly it.  I am learning how to better myself and grow because my children's growth and understanding are invaluable to the world.

Whenever you focus on what you are doing like the simple task of washing up, focusing on each rub, being thankful that you have washing up to do and you are worshipping God, thanking Him, loving Him and loving all those around you.  

When we focus, stop and listen we do not just worship God but we are teaching our children how to find joy in the most mundane things in life.  How every excuse is given to us to love and give love.

When we stop focusing on the unnecessary stuff which this world make it look like its imperative for us not to do so, life not only becomes simpler and more joyful, but also fulfilled and thankful and of course full of love.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Looking inside my heart

Today I am tired.

I have been unkind to my children and sarcastic to my husband.

My body has been sluggish and tired.

My thoughts have been escaping my own mind for fear of what it might all imply.

But today also happened to be a change.  I've read once more part of the book by Anodea Judith - Eastern body, Western Mind.  It helped me realise many things.  Than I also just received an email from my spiritual mentor and saw how what she told me reflected what I was doing and feeling and not acknowledging.

Today I am tired but tomorrow is a brand new day which I will tackle with care and perception.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

The graces carry on

211. A hot Summer
212. The sea to swim in
213. Water at home to bathe and cool down
214. Fans to cool us down
215. laughter in the house
216. Lots of fruit
217. Time to meditate again
218. Time to read alone
219. Slowly the end of the nappy era is coming
220. teaching children
221. volunteering
222. good results in my studies
223. BBQs
224. helping hands
225. Electricity
226. Hand me down clothes & shoes
227. Celebrating birthdays and other special occasions
228. Bad news - something good will surely come out of it
229. finding a routine again
230. Praying together

Raising a son

Is probably the most difficult thing we have to go through as mothers.  Because boys have been for centuries led to believe they should be tough etc.

So when my 3 year old cries I am admonished for reaching out to him because he should toughen up.  If he comes for comfort I am cuddling him too much and will not be a man.  If he sees all the beautiful sparkly stuff we girls have I am told he shouldn't be allowed to try them or he'll turn out gay.  And the list goes on.

Its a constant battle of me vs the rest of the world including my own family.

It is sometimes a battle against myself because I was brought up in this type of world and when he asks to put on the red ballerina pumps or the hair pins it does push my comfort zone and yet I can't tell him no.  I can't shame him into believing it is either black or white and how can i blame him for wanting to try the girl stuff when boy stuff is so bland and boring?

Yesterday Maya wanted me to paint her toes like I do and he got interested and wanted his too.  I know men do paint their nails nowadays but it felt girlish and I wasn't very comfy and I knew I would receive an assault of what you dids etc which of course undermined my confidence.  In the end we agreed on just 2 nails.  He was happy to try it out and I was happy not to have told him a plain no- although I did say that it's mainly girls that paint their nails!

It is frustrating trying balancing things out.

Many a time I am confused on how to deal with such a situation because of how I am made to feel by others.  It shouldn't be and while I try to ignore it, it is very difficult to carry on especially when you lack lots of support.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Maya - 18 months

I am way due for an update on my little girl!

She seems to grow so fast, that I have to pinch myself at times.

She is a toddler now, verging into childhood already.  She talks in phrases and understands literally everything I ask.  From babyhood she knew what she wanted and this is now looking more pronounced especially when it comes to clothes.  Yeah she is a girl and LOVES dressing up.  Lately she started putting on my stuff and feeling happy about it and especially proud of walking in my pink heeled shoes.

When she feels like she can recite the numbers up till 14 without a mistake and tell her ABCs till G without a mistake.  She is getting more into dolls, though still not her main play thing, and loves to pretend cook just like her bro and just like her bro she simply enjoys playing  with planes - if he is there with her to do so!

She was always an easy eater so we haven't had issues and eats practically everything - though she does have favourites and dislikes!  She enjoys reading and drawing....on everything but paper!!!  What Gregory never did she has done and now HE is copying her!!  However now that  I started homeschooling, she is getting better and drawing only on papers given rather than walls or furniture.

She dislikes TV - probably mostly because she sees it as a threat- since we do not take notice of her when it is on and consequently she learnt how to put it off for us.  Still if she has Barney on, she maybe will view it for 5 mins only - I am actually very happy about this.

The smile she was born with is bigger and brighter than ever and her laughter fills the house when she is playing with her brother.  It is a joy for me to hear them talking to each other and especially sweet when he tells her to say OK to something and she obliges.  Other times she just says no to him and especially loves to get under his skin which of course annoys the heck out of him.  She is one big teaser!

She runs, tries to jump and loves to swim.  Playing in the sand or in the field.  On the swings and the slides.  Reciting nursery rhythms and building tower blocks.  Trying her hand at puzzles.

she loves to cuddle and giving hugs and kisses.

Maya  has brought balance.  Whereas  Greg tends to be moody she is the smiling happy go lucky girl that balances each other out.

I am blessed, we are blessed to have her and at 18 months her screaming nos echoing through the house are like music to my ears.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Moving Towards Summer

Having both kids again at home will be tiring but lovely.

Only 2 weeks left and I can start my own schooling.  Enjoying ourselves while learning oh so many things.  I planned, changed plans, again and again and finally I think we have the final product for Summer.  AND IT'S GONNA ROCK!

Towards living the Season: swimming - hopefully at the beach though we are on jelly fish alert this year, but the pool at home is already a hit! doing sand castles and balloon fights

Towards learning: abc games,  search the alphabet, dot to dot, colouring with crayons, pencils, biros, water paints -with brushes, hands, feet- on paper, cardboard, floors, wood- learning basic words in different languages for the fun of it, reading oh yes lots of reading!

Towards helping: dusting, setting tables, cooking with me, cleaning the bathroom

Towards building Faith: circle time, Church, Bible reading

Towards being a family: going places and doing things together every weekend, every day and every spare time possible

I am excited for the first time ever since I was a kid about Summer.  Can't wait to share our days with you!

Friday, June 1, 2012

Facing myself

I have a client.  My first one.  I am truly blessed of this.

Yet I sorely stare at my inadequacy- my lack of experience. At the same time feel in awe at myself.  For the amount of things  I learnt which I would have never thought of before.  For looking objectively at my ways with this client and seeing that I need to work more on talking less and listening more.

Its a wonderful learning curve I am in right now.  Something which with care and attention I can extend to my own family.  To provide the love and support not just to any random person in the street but also to my own loved ones in a more maybe objective way.

The most thrilling feeling however is the fact that this is just the beginning.  That I am starting to do something I really truly love.  That I know I  will take it much further than just this first stop.  I am seeing paths lighting up in my way.  Paths I had wanted to pursue but never got there- because I now see it wasn't the right time for them.  Yet, it is clear now that these paths are still in the achievable dreams.

I am elated!

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Spring in pictures

Playing in the sand and sea, camping, walking in the country, watching planes, sowing in the field, looking closely at caterpillars......











Saturday, April 21, 2012

Its today my special day

Its my birthday, I'm so happy, happy, happy today!

I've always wished to have a special birthday.  For my lucky birthday I went abroad but I felt nothing and was disappointed.  For my 30th I did a party and the same thing happened.  But this year :) it was different and I feel in heaven!

We decided to go camping because we had a camp for the past 3-4 years and never used it.  I thought it would be fun and interesting for the kids and so we went for just 1 night as a tester.  I had so much fun ... and than Dave surprised me with a present a chamilia bracelet I'd been wishing since I heard about them and it was the best birthday present ever really. 

Back home this morning was an array of errands and than at the airport to meet my cousin...well that was the best 2nd birthday present meeting her again together with her little baby girl.  We didn't say much-she had a long flight and was tired and really I am just excited knowing that we have 3 months were we can meet hopefully every other day and talk incessantly about life and kids.

Again at home I found a packet from my long distance friend with a lot of lovely nicknacks and I feel so blessed and happy :)

Its been a great day and I am sure we will have a great evening and tomorrow our 6th wedding anniversary will be just as fantastic and special I know!

daddy playing with our kids

the view from our camp site

me and my rascals

daddy with his girl

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

191 - 210 joys

191. lots of words
192. calling and seeking each other's company
193. spontaneous thanking
194. learning bartering
195. sharing
196. thinking of others
197. starting to want her way- bring on the terrible twos!
198. lots of ideas for the Summer
199. making music
200. reading, lots of reading
201. an imperfect house- because others dont have one
202. water & electricity
203. the possibilty to help others
204. pregnancy (not me)- its always a lovely miracle
205. spontaneous nice patting from my daughter
206. requesting bandi (swings)
207. a bigger apetite
208. the joy of splashing water all over
209. waiting for Summer
210. sitting still

Friday, April 13, 2012

Spring

I wish to write but my thoughts jam up.

The road has been quite winding recently that I lost sight of a lot of things.

So I have been tired and cranky and it wasn't just having 2 kids at home while on Easter holidays (though that didn't help).

I forgot to still my mind for the past month and a half.  I didn't make time for God.  I don't even know what I did really- it's more like nothing and here I am today suddenly realising that I lost my track. 

My mind skips from plans for next week, to Summer, to Autumn and Winter coming.  Gosh!

And today it is raining again.  Spring has come nice and sweet and yet Wintery moments persist.  I see this as a way to show me that I need to go back to my Winter schedule.  I need to rest but my mind is too occupied, I try to still it but it simply won't listen.  I worry, I get angry.....

I remember my New Year's words- trust and surrender. 

So I sit here and while writing feel like a big clog has been taken away.  I am lighter and happier.  Still worried but my mind quieter.  I am going back to my path, to seek the face of God, to enjoy motherhood and be confident of being me.

Trust and Surrender- powerful words I was afraid to use and now I seek them more and more.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Life at school- uneasiness

Since the day I got to know who my son's teacher would be at kindergarten I felt uneasy. 

Originally we were advised of a different teacher, with whom we were pleased and our son seemed to like.  It would have been a class of 14 students- not big really- and we were happy.  Than last minute we were told that the education department asked them to put the new students (4) into a different class with a different teacher and where given one which had just gone out on pension. 

Of course we were biased on the fact that from a young, sweet and energetic teacher he was getting this oldish (62 yrs), not energetic and not inspiring teacher.  However, this notwithstanding, I had an unease in my stomach.  It subsided when Gregory started going quite happy to school and seemed to transfer trust to his teacher but still there was this lingering doubt.

Than of course started those little things which would infuriate me like seeing my always lefthanded son trying to eat and draw with his right side.  I told him not to listen to anyone who tells him to use his right unless he is happy to do it and he has now reverted to left handedness.  Than the incident were I was told to give him only bread for school as he makes a mess with the other food or the fact that crackers which he used to eat daily started coming  back and Greg telling me that the teacher told him no beacause they are messy.  I told him that if he wants to eat them he should not listen to his teacher and today I gave them to him not in the plastic so he can just munch on them.  Or the punishments that he constantly mentions of which I am not happy.  Or the many rumours which are actually founded that she shouts a lot, sometimes raises her hands on them and now that the door between the two kindergarten classes is being kept closed.

My son seems happy about school.  Yet I am not comfortable with this teacher.  I will of course speak with the headmaster and I will probably have to confront her eventually.  Today me and another mother have written a letter tot he education department- her daughter has got out so negatively from this teacher that she doesn't want to go to school anymore!  The education department called her and we wrote also this letter and hope that the teacher is removed fast, hopefully by mid April.

Just now I am wondering if I am doing the right thing since he seems good and happy.  At the same time he doesn't tell me anything about school and asking questions doesn't really get him to tell me much anyway.  Today she told me that he is a big boy to take the breast.  What does she care anyway?  Since we are happy with this arrangement and doesn't effect her schooling she shouldn't question my decision and she shouldn't do it regardless really.

I am sad that she seems to be discipline wise completely the opposite if what I was hoping he will get at school.
I am threatened by this woman because I do not feel confident enough in the way I should handle her
I am afraid of her effect unbeknown to me she is having on my son
I am angry that the headmaster is doing nothing about it even though he has had several complaints not from her own students' parents but also from others when she was supplementing.
I am livid that she thinks she knows best what is good for my son & that communication with her is only limited to the way it suits her
I am concerned because no one seems willing to tell me how my son's day proceeds or how he reacts to certain things- there is no parents day for kindergarten and i simply can not understand why.

And the only way out of this is for me to get out of my comfort zone and engage all people concerned till I get the results required.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

What goes through my son's mind

Here are a few random conversations that happened today with my son:

Me: Tomorrow you and Maya will stay with grandma while me and daddy go to a wedding.  There will be Uncle Gabe & Aunt Dodo, Audrey & Daniel and Petra & Andrew who are getting married.
Greg: Uncle Gabe & Aunt Dodo come to grandma house
Me: They can't we will all be at the wedding.
Greg: I love Uncle Gabe & Aunt Dodo
Me: Do you miss them?  Shall I see when we can meet them?
Greg: Yes- come our home & do a cushion fight

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Greg: Thank you mummy for the flowers
Me: You're welcome

These sudden thank yous are all very much cherished :) and are becoming more common by the day

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Greg: Maya don't play with the switch or you get a punishment (punishment unfortunately he learnt courtesy of his teacher!)

Love this little man of mine, he is becoming such a wonderful guy !



Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Clinging

There is my cheeky son!  He is 3 years and started school a month ago.

Gregory at this age can be a joy to be around.  Telling stories or just telling you what will happen next during the day or just an insight on something that happened at school.  He has LOTS of energy and enjoys laughing that beautiful smile of his.

He is also very much clinging to his last vestiges of babyhood.  As if letting go of them will somehow change everything.  Its more a reversal to some toddler ways really like won't eat unless given to him which alas I will have to put my foot down as it is also effecting his eating at school.  Suddenly telling me that he can't put on or off clothes and shoes or cut the veggies.  The problem here would stem into a tantrum of he can't do it but doesn't want me to help him do it.  It can be a tight rope!
We are still finding it difficult to have him understand emotions and needs or wants which still causes tantrums.  That is our ongoing battle.

On the other hand, he is starting to show empathy once in a blue moon.  He also started to show affection to those around him by hugging them.  Saying please and thank you and sometimes sorry without our prompting at all.  Started to sing songs whereas generally he doesn't quite like to join in (although he does tend to sing them to himself and not with us or so on).

He is still very volatile but it is getting better, very, very, extremely, slowly.  I catch myself worrying way too much on him.  I need to release him more into the world after all he is accountable for his own feelings and while I still need to guide him for still quite a long time, I also need to show him that he is accountable for anything he does, says or decides and while I am always there for him, he needs to find his own path.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Communicating Feelings

How do you express sadness over events that happened in an appropiate way?

I do not know myself-My little man needs a lot of communication skills to learn and yet unless I learn them myself first, he will not get there himself.

So today I struggle.  Struggle to understand why the sadness I felt this morning over Greg hurtng myself and Maya.  The sadness of expressing his own anger in aggression, was expressed by myself as anger and aggression.  Can you see a pattern?

Yeah I am the one who is teaching him the bad ways while advocating he shouldn't do it!  Truthfully I forgive myself for this transgression and am happy to know that I am aware of it.  BUT how do I change it to non violent action and positive teaching?

-Sigh- I have no idea.  With Greg being in school, I haven't had a lot of episodes like this.  Today being a holiday we woke up all in arms and getting at  each other.  It saddened me because I do not want his days at home to be full of anger and resentment and aggression.

I will sit with this question today, ask for guidance and let it churn in my head.  An answer will surely come forth.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Trust and Surrender- the real face of it

Its a hard lesson I learnt today.

This year I chose a word or rather words that marked my path for 2012 and those words were trust and surrender.

Gregory was ready to go to school.  He wanted to even today while clutching to me he wanted to stay.  But of course it is hard to jump into the unknown.  So imagine a 3 yr old having to do this- something WE find extremely difficult to do ourselves.

Today I learnt my lesson the hard way- it was me who had to cut him loose.  It was me who had to show him that I trusted him, his teacher, his whole school and that he can be fine without me.  I had to show him how to build that inner strength.  In actual fact I have already done all this in these 3 years and today, it was time to start the process of letting go.

A mother can make or break her son.  If I went for him earlier that the time the actual school ends (like it was suggested), it would have been for me not for him.  Because I missed him of course.  So I didn't go.  I am here waiting for the time to pass so I go pick him up.  If I cried, fussed and so on I would have shown lack of trust.

So today I learnt what real trust and surrender means.  I lifted my arms to God in heaven and told him that I trusted He will keep my son safe and  happy.  I told myself in a mantra that I gave my son the tools to be fine alone at school. And when my husband said that we are sure to get a phone call to pick him up I quickly said that we will not because Greg is happy to go to school.  That he has to trust him and be positive!

Its hard, very hard, to know that after 9 months in your womb and 3 years living attached to you, you must begin the process of letting him grow. That unless I pushed him towards this path he will flounder and won't cross the bridge.

Today was indeed a hard lesson.  However, it was a blessing of lesson and I am grateful that we did it and that in 30 minutes we can reconnect and tell each other what happened.

I am now looking forward to this new era - just me and Maya, being more relaxed and having more time to reflect.

1st day of school




My heart beats wildly
Temper flares
A thumping head
Scalding eyes

My fingers tremble
As I feed him b'fast
I am so proud
Yet falling to pieces

He clutches to me
Not wanting me to leave
I soothe him down
Holding back tears

My last goodbye
And I leave
Hearing him howling behind
I don't look back

My heart beats wildly
My scalding eyes
I nurse my lil' one to sleep
And my tears flow.

The house feels empty
His toys strewn around
That ache in my heart
Of strings starting to cut loose

Tears follow tears
But I know..
I gave him the tools to adapt
And he'll be fine!



Friday, January 27, 2012

Conversations and thoughts

Its mind blowing when I think my boy- my first new born- has turned 3 and next Wednesday is starting preschool or as it is locally known kindergarten.

It is actually time for me to let go of his hand and for him to fledge.  I know we are both ready for this change.  I know we are both looking forward to it.  But I am also very painfully aware that this transition is going to be a bit tough and we are both scared stiff.

For this last week he started wetting the bed again even during nap time.  I soon realised that its all stress related.  In that little mind of his, he is making the connections and realising that school is suddenly round the corner.  He is petrified at the idea of me not being there with him.

Today while going to school for a brief meeting and seeing once more his teacher and so on he hugged me close (no walking) and this conversation followed.

I don't want to go to school alone
Are you afraid?
Yes
You'd like to go to school but want me with you?
Yes
You know even I am scared.  Its something new and we will be apart from each other but just like I come back for you when at grandma I will at school.
But I don't want to go alone
Listen, you will try it out for 3 days ok and another 5 days.  If you are still not happy you can stop going and try again next year. 
OK
Believe me I simply do not know how I will manage not to cry on Wednesday morning in front of him.  This morning during that conversation, I fought more tears than I ever did before.  However once inside his classroom he was quite happy to mix with the kids and play with them (at the time building blocks).  He did come for help whenever something didn't go according to his way and I tried to let the teacher guide him by telling him that here it is Ms Joanne whom he has to ask for help mummy is just looking- didn't work much I admit but still....

And yes if after a week he does insist on not wanting to go to school I will not make him go.  After all this is pre-school and next year is a brand new day :)

Saturday, January 21, 2012

3 candles for Gregory

He might be 3 years today but he is still a young little man.

He has changed so much really and yet affirmed his character much more.

playing with his tea set
He talks pretty fluently, he shares when he feels like, he plays with his sister when he's in the mood, he can eat like a champ or refuse anything you do (except breastmilk ha! he never says no to that still and although there many a time where I feel fed up of nursing two kids, there are also many moments where I remember that this is lasting a while longer while the love and trust I am building will last a lifetime).


He's got such a will, that trying to teach him while not crushing it is extremely difficult.

But that big open smile, his wonder at nature and enjoyment of life, make up for those moments that result in unconsolable crying that make up his life right now.  The moments where he is not sure what he is feeling or how to express it.  The moments of tiredness he refuses to acknowledge.  The moments of hunger he refuses to quench.  The moments of attention he refuses to wait for.

He is a bundle of storm in the middle of sunshine his sister amenates.

He might sound difficult to many but really he is quite easy.

Happy 3rd birthday Gregory!

Saturday, January 14, 2012

One year today

She is one today!




A toddler- no more a baby!

She walks, talks, climbs and tries to run.

She is full of expressions and love and smiles.


I wonder where time has gone....
You've grown so quickly that I hardly ever think you were a baby.

Love you loads Maya Abigail!




Thursday, January 12, 2012

Counting more blessings

I am still slowly counting the many blessings God has given me and waiting to be revealed that hidden grace!

180. Enjoying opening presents
181. Knowing how to use a knife
182. Poorly days in front of the TV
183. The slow progress in my life
184. Washing machines
185. Good weather to dry the clothes
186. Rainy days because we need them
187. Hiking with our son
188. The ability to buy what we need
189. Living next door to family
190. Eagerly waiting to see my cousin

Monday, January 9, 2012

The year 2012

It hasn't started the way I planned it.

Of course whatever we plan is subject to change according to God's will.  And sometimes its just our own lack of will.

Surrender and Trust!

I wonder how many times I will repeat that till I eventually let go and let my will do what it should be doing.

That said I feel that the break I have been seeking is near.  I look forward to embrace this chance in all its forms.

I have decided to trust and surrender this time without doubts.  To open up and let my heart be filled with the beautiful melody of life!