Monday, June 15, 2015

What is me and what was me

At 16 I wanted to work in tourism as guide to be exact.  The course was not available so I took second best according to me- travel agency.  I loved travelling- still do- so I felt this to be perfect.  I believed this work will be forever.  Between 16 and 25 years of age, I was making sure my dreams became reality.

In fact by the time I had my first child at 28, I had travelled to the exotic places I had dreamed of, got married and my unfulfilled dream so far was the house.  It was not home and it was not my dream house.

Yet I still felt a void inside me, I didn't enjoy my holidays or my marriage day.  It felt too ordinary some how.

But then I had my first.  Up to the first half of my pregnancy I knew I'd continue working and leave my child with a babysitter as soon as maternity is over.  I bought a pushchair and a crib - proud of having them in the house and looking forward to using them.  I never gave a second glance to bottle feeding or parenting.  The norm was my ideal.

And yet something never felt right so I searched and searched and by the time I was due I had already started the changes: I wanted to breastfeed as I was meant to do, wear my baby, practice natural parenting/positive discipline and birth at home.  The more I read te more my heart sang true to these ideals.  And once my little one was born I knew my job had to be in the birth/parenting sector and I quit my job.

Today I am 34, I have 3 children, I want to home school because that feels right for my family at the moment.  I am working in the birth/parenting sector and loving it.  I still have a dream home in my mind but ours is home.  Travelling is not important any more except for my journeys into motherhood.  The friends I always felt elusive are finally real friends who understand me and help me through without judgement.  I do not really entertain except my kids.  I am quite changed.

 Looking back, there are a lot of things which never crossed my mind before- LOTS!

But I wouldn't have it any other way.  My heart sings with joy when my kids are home.  Just a while ago my little ones were going to visit grandma, I looked at the mess surrounding me and felt at peace. I have a family. I am in love.

I continue 'changing' - because I realise this is what I always was.  Yet society had tried to suppress me and I am finally finding myself again.  So many things are falling into place and becoming an aha! moment.

This is my life and I wouldn't have it any other way!

let Summer begin

We are counting the days till Summer holidays here.

We are learning new ways how to interact and love and learn so the excitment of 3 full months practice together is impossible to contain.

My weaving is finally forming a pattern; and everytime a little bit is added, it looks amazing.

Then I get my moments of impatience and I practically rip it all up.  But the pattern is growing slowly and I can't wait to see its full glory in a few years' time.

Each learning curve, each moment I am using new tools to get me to my destination.  I will never see a clear path, because life is full of wonderful surprises leading us to expand even more.

I am afraid, ecstatic, at peace, unsure......but I am loving the process with its infuriating slowness.

This is how it is meant to be and my little Benajmin is there to remind me to take it slow because in its slowness, things are changing quickly.  In this continuum change I am savouring the moments that slip by a blink of an eye.

This Summer is going to be a wonderful experience of changed love, of joy, of friendships and family.

These 12 days is what remains between now and then.


Monday, June 15, 2015

What is me and what was me

At 16 I wanted to work in tourism as guide to be exact.  The course was not available so I took second best according to me- travel agency.  I loved travelling- still do- so I felt this to be perfect.  I believed this work will be forever.  Between 16 and 25 years of age, I was making sure my dreams became reality.

In fact by the time I had my first child at 28, I had travelled to the exotic places I had dreamed of, got married and my unfulfilled dream so far was the house.  It was not home and it was not my dream house.

Yet I still felt a void inside me, I didn't enjoy my holidays or my marriage day.  It felt too ordinary some how.

But then I had my first.  Up to the first half of my pregnancy I knew I'd continue working and leave my child with a babysitter as soon as maternity is over.  I bought a pushchair and a crib - proud of having them in the house and looking forward to using them.  I never gave a second glance to bottle feeding or parenting.  The norm was my ideal.

And yet something never felt right so I searched and searched and by the time I was due I had already started the changes: I wanted to breastfeed as I was meant to do, wear my baby, practice natural parenting/positive discipline and birth at home.  The more I read te more my heart sang true to these ideals.  And once my little one was born I knew my job had to be in the birth/parenting sector and I quit my job.

Today I am 34, I have 3 children, I want to home school because that feels right for my family at the moment.  I am working in the birth/parenting sector and loving it.  I still have a dream home in my mind but ours is home.  Travelling is not important any more except for my journeys into motherhood.  The friends I always felt elusive are finally real friends who understand me and help me through without judgement.  I do not really entertain except my kids.  I am quite changed.

 Looking back, there are a lot of things which never crossed my mind before- LOTS!

But I wouldn't have it any other way.  My heart sings with joy when my kids are home.  Just a while ago my little ones were going to visit grandma, I looked at the mess surrounding me and felt at peace. I have a family. I am in love.

I continue 'changing' - because I realise this is what I always was.  Yet society had tried to suppress me and I am finally finding myself again.  So many things are falling into place and becoming an aha! moment.

This is my life and I wouldn't have it any other way!

let Summer begin

We are counting the days till Summer holidays here.

We are learning new ways how to interact and love and learn so the excitment of 3 full months practice together is impossible to contain.

My weaving is finally forming a pattern; and everytime a little bit is added, it looks amazing.

Then I get my moments of impatience and I practically rip it all up.  But the pattern is growing slowly and I can't wait to see its full glory in a few years' time.

Each learning curve, each moment I am using new tools to get me to my destination.  I will never see a clear path, because life is full of wonderful surprises leading us to expand even more.

I am afraid, ecstatic, at peace, unsure......but I am loving the process with its infuriating slowness.

This is how it is meant to be and my little Benajmin is there to remind me to take it slow because in its slowness, things are changing quickly.  In this continuum change I am savouring the moments that slip by a blink of an eye.

This Summer is going to be a wonderful experience of changed love, of joy, of friendships and family.

These 12 days is what remains between now and then.