Sunday, December 28, 2014

Impatience

I had 3 impatient days.  Impatience that was transmitted to the kids.

I was truly impatient with the whole family!  I realised today, that all this is stemming from a simple reason: I want Christmas to be ready now so I can move on to the next thing in my life.

It saddened me when I saw what was happening and today while still impatient I managed to keep it low and enjoy some quality time with family.

Yes I am excited to have my children's birthday and give them the presents that have been in the closet for nearly a month now.  I am excited to have my new home schooling corner set up.  I am excited to continue the work I had to stop due to Christmas holidays from various people and I am excited to add more to my work in breastfeeding.

But these 12 days of Christmas are 12 days of reflection and I should use them wisely.


Thursday, December 25, 2014

Christmassy thoughts

It's been so far one of the best Christmases ever.

I am already finding ways of improving our celebration of Christ being born.

We need it even simpler then this year.  The food this year is stuck in my throat.  Why are we eating so much food like there is no tomorrow?  We do not even fast any more before Christmas.

One of the things that glared out at me this year is too much food and so next year it will be a very simple normal affair of food.

The presents have still been the centre of attention by the kids.  Would love that to change....because ultimately they do not show much appreciation for them- just a matter of OK I want the next one- especially my big boy.

This year it was lovely having our small family at Christmas Eve starting a tradition and would be so happy to expand that.

I am looking forward to continuing the celebration with the 12 days of Christmastide this year.  Normally the day after Christmas usually feels empty.  Christmas celebrations stop with the birth but this season carries on longer and it is nice to make sure we celebrate it to the max.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

WE finished the crib and did more...

Our 3 and 4 Advent day activities were to finish off the crib and we did.  I only did the shaping of the initial stage the rest was all the children; and I think its lovely!




Our next activity was to take a family photo.  Here is one of the many we took!



6th Dec, being the feast of St Nick, we read a short story on St Nick as well as the poem Twas the night before Christmas by Clement Moore.  We also bought a nice Christmas sack and the kids chose a book and a toy each plus they chose some food for the kids that live in the creche and took it to them.  We did not see the children there but my babes could see how life is completely different and how thankful we should be.

for the feast of the Immaculate Conception, we learnt that the Lord had us on our minds from a long long time and so we did some crafts as presents to our grandparents as we have them on our minds often.


This is actually Maya's present to her teacher.  She loves her way too much :)






We've also written our Christmas cards and did one for the teachers to show our appreciation.

Maya's card

Greg's card


Monday, December 8, 2014

Looking inwards and back

When I was going to the retreat  a few weeks ago I decided to grab a book with me: The Zahir by Paolo Coelho.  I have read the book a few times already but intuition told me to read it again.

I hardly read at the retreat, it was one of those times where people talked to me and I talked to them.  Feeling easy even though I hardly knew any one I enjoyed telling them about my life.  I never asked them about theirs; when I did it just felt like I had to but I was not interested.  I realised though that I am passionate about my life, yet complain a lot about it.

My husband always tells me so and it is true.  Last night he kindly got me a mug of hot chocolate and some strawberries.  I did not thank him, I complained that he got me more strawberries then I requested and that he washed them when I had already done so.  Why did I do that? Out of habit more then anything else because I knew as soon as the words started spouting out that I was being insensitive and unloving but I did not stop and I did not quite try to remedy after.

This morning I woke up and was led straight for the book.  A lot of things shone brightly to me.  And it always feels amazing that a book like this continues to teach me about love and my marriage and my life.

......discovering, in the process, that there is nothing worse than the feeling that no one cares whether we exist or not, that no one is interested in what we have to say about life, and that the world can continue turning without our awkward presence.
Isn't this true? we want to be heard, listened to and loved and to feel alone is the worse feeling in the world.

Yet they sense that something is wrong.  they can't quite put a finger on the problem.  As time passes, they grow more and more dependant on each other; they are getting older; any opportunities to make a new life are vanishing fast......they can see they are growing farther and farther apart, but cannot understand why.
Most of us cannot understand why we or how we get so far from each other despite living together for many years.  We sense it but many a time are afraid to voice it, explore it, pursue it; because we are afraid of what will happen then.

That is why it is so important to let things go.  To release them.  To cut loose.....sometimes we win, sometimes we loose.  Don't expect anything back, don't expect recognition for your efforts, don't expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood.  Complete the circle, not out of pride, inability or arrogance but simply because whatever it is no longer fits your life.  Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust.  Stop being who you were and start being who you are.
This is so difficult for us to do, yet so essential.  We have been taught that we need to be recognised for our efforts, to be understood, to expect something for something.  It should not be so.  We should live to please ourselves and full fill ourselves in a sense.

In failed marriage when one person stops walking the other is forced to do the same.  And while he or she is waiting, other lovers appear, or charitable work, there are the children to worry about etc It would be much easier to talk openly about things, to insist, to yell: Let's move on were dying of tedium, anxiety, fear.
But spouses are not always willing to listen.  They are too afraid of what all this will mean.  We have too much fear in our hearts and lives.

...let's suppose two firemen go into a forest to put out a small fire.  Afterwards, when they emerge and go over to the steam, the face of one is all smeared with black, while the other is clean. which two will clean his face?....the one with the dirty face will assume that he looks like him and vice versa.......I came to realise I was always looking for myself in the women I loved.   I looked at their lovely clean faces and saw myself reflected in them. They looked at me and saw the dirt on my face and ended up seeing themselves reflected in me....

This is absolutely true.  We reflect each other without noticing it.  And even when we do we tend to brush it aside because learning more about our own dirt is quite a confrontation to the self.

It is so easy to overlook the signs and pretend that all is perfect.  It is easy to pretend that through life we have remained unchanged.  That the person I was 10 years ago and with whom I decided to spend the rest of my life are same and one.  When the anxiety, problems, fear, thoughts come to mind we make our best to extinguish them and bury them deep.  Because we are too afraid to let go of the past and live in the present.  We are afraid we changed or the person with us changed too much and we will need to take separate paths. Despite saying many times that we seek and love adventure, the only real adventure - life- we are terrified to live it.  And doing so only hurts us more.  The struggle is real, the fears are real, but living a lie is even worse then what the outcome can ever be.


 
 
 

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

And we started the Christmas count down

Our Advent wreath
First Advent activity






Our second Advent activity



Saturday, November 15, 2014

It's time to start sewing

A lot of shifts have been happening within.

I am emotionally and physically tired.

I still need to grasp exactly the many details that are raging through my head.

I am completely at a loss from where to start.

The threads in my hand are multiplying quickly and sometimes I am not able to handle them all.  I am still learning how to sew them together, how to mend.

It is exciting and frightening.  Interesting, mind boggling and infinitely fed up of holding it all and juggling it all.

A steep learning curve on many, so many fronts!

It gives me a boost of hope.

It allows me to continue my journey, see the true me emerge from the ashes.  Building up my strengths where weaknesses resist.

The infinite grandness of the universe who support me and give me the tools and people in my life that help me achieve it all is awesome.

I am blessed.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

This is life

Sadness is when you are not heard
Sadness is when you are not listened to
Sadness is when you feel without support
Sadness is when you wake up with a heavy bleeding heart.

Lonely is the path of the truthful
Lonely is the path of your true self
Lonely is the path of your high standards
Lonely is the path but I know I am not alone

In grief I weep
In grief I bleed
In grief I am strong
In grief I live without bonds

Light my way dear angels
Show me the trail I am meant to take
Lead me by hand because I am fearful
Let me gather myself for the battle will be long

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Christmas is in the air

This year I feel like I am late with my preperations but then I realised most of the stuff is done from last year so there are only a few tweaks that needs to be arranged and now I can say I am ready and happy.

Here is how our Advent and Christmas will look like and these are the books we will be reading more or less daily.



26 November do an Advent wreath with the kids to start lighting 30th Nov

Advent activities
 Mon - Put on the decorations
 Tues - Start contructing the crib
Wed - Finish off the crib
  Thurs - Put in the statues of the crib
 Fri - Take a family photo
 Sat - Celebrate St Nick by reading story, poem, activities: gift giving to crèche a big nice stocking; as well as do the Christmas grass
 Sun - See film – Home Alone + light second candle
 Mon - Celebrate the Immaculate Conception by reading story, drawing, explaining that God always had us on his mind even before birth, activity: do a small present for the grandparents because we have them our minds
 Tues – Visit the toy shops for gift ideas
 Wed – Do Christmas cards for teachers /family
 Thurs - Buy food for the needy & give it to parish priest to pass it on
 Fri - Celebrate St Lucia by reading story, drawing & doing St Lucia buns
 Sat - Go to Valletta enjoy the Christmas lights, train ride & dinner together + visit Christmas fair in Phoenicia till 6 pm
 Sun - Visit crib in Zejtun + light third candle
 Mon - See film- The Polar Express
 Tues - Send money to a charity
 Wed – Bake Christmas pudding together
 Thurs – Leave a small gift to our rubbish picker
 Fri - Do Advent Kindness Tree
 Sat -  Go to Gozo visit live crib in Ghajnsielem (4.30 pm)
 Sun – Sing Christmas Carols together + light last candle
 Mon - Write a letter to Jesus and burn it
 Tues - Write a family letter and affix it in the living room
  Wed - Put baby Jesus in the crib

12 days of Christmas activities
 Sun - Christmas day Mass and spend with family
 Mon - St Stephen day celebrate by reading story, drawing
  Tues – see the film curious George a very monkey Christtmas
 Wed - Read the poem 12 days of Christmas and explain meaning
 Thurs - Go to the aquarium
 Fri -  invite a few mummies & kiddies for tea
 Sat - Do Qaghaq tal-ghasel
 Sun – New Year Day family time
 Mon - Feast of Mary Mother of God read story of St Mary, activity: do a rosary (http://www.ehow.com/how_4856821_make-rosary-kids.html)
 Tues - Go to Buskett for a picnic
 Wed – Do candles (http://www.kidspot.com.au)
 Thurs – story of Epiphany; end of Christmas season we take down decorations


Thursday, November 6, 2014

Living in the real world

Life is unexpected.

We get used to our routine and suddenly life changes our whole world.  It is scary most of the time.  Often interlinked with sadness and anger.

But I have been learning that everything happens for a reason.  Every encounter is there to help me grow. Every little thing whether welcomed or not is there to help me reach my full potential - find my true self.

And I am in a point in my life with many wonderful people who are helping me in more ways then they will probably ever know.

I am also at a point of my life where my world just went topsy turvy. A tiny speck but which can change a lot of outcomes in my very near future.  A lesson in letting go, facing fears and accepting what I can not change.  A lesson in making sure I do not let my stress out on the children and a lesson in remembering that it is useless to stress about something I can not change.

The things I have been struggling on in parenting came all tumbling down on me with no way out except moving on and making sure I finally get there.  It is amazing this life of ours.

So right now I thank my support system - those that one can see but also those that I believe are of the spiritual world.  In spite of my fears right now I can feel their cloak of love covering me and beckoning me.  It is really an opportunity for me to grow some more :) and I thank God, life who is giving me this opportunity even if some what I bit blunt.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

the darkening clouds

The flood gates opened.  The dam has burst.  The seams couldn't take the strain any more.

I have seen the storm brewing within a few days but I chose to ignore; to pretend it was all in my imagination.  That all is going well and good......

The procrastinating at doing home work was the beginning.  The refusal to answer did you have a good day or which part of the day you enjoyed most was a glaring facet of the storm and today he just came out and asked me the question for which he knew the answer.

Maybe he realised that the pent up emotions needed to get out and he has realised also that the quickest way for him is to have a massive meltdown.  It lasted approximately an hour.  He was happier after but refused to talk about any of it.

I can see it is not over. I brace myself and wonder whether I should wait before asking questions or go ahead and ask them.

I am tired beyond thinking.  My kids are suffering and right now my hands are tied in all directions.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

weaned from the breast

I guess I can say Maya weaned from the breast at 3.9 years of age.

While I initiated the process, well I still find it bitter sweet that she hasn't asked to nurse for the past week.  She still fondles and hold them to sleep :) and I doubt it will be soon before she stops doing that.

I am seriously at a lack of words at the realisation of what happened this week.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Of diamonds and friends

This post is dedicated to that woman who has come in my life recently and has helped me in more ways than I care mention.

Friends are like diamonds they say precious and difficult to find.  I can not agree more!

For as long as I remember, I never really had a friend, a best friend that is, with whom to share all my difficulties and joys. A friend who listens without judging or trying to help even when clearly you can't.

My first awareness of this lack was in secondary school where I was part of a group but not really with them.  It acutely felt terrible knowing none of those girls can be called friends in that intimate sense.  When later after 10 years or so we had a reunion, I realised how little I had known of my own isolation... it hurt even though so many years had passed.

I tried to find that special friends for many years, but I got to mistrust people to the point that I always kept back a lot and so my trying wasn't good enough since I myself kept everyone at a distance.

Kids change you!  I have a special cousin who fills this gap nowadays.  Recently though I have been blessed with another such wonderful soul.  It was unlikely we'd ever be friends or anything at first glance; but family matters and work brought us together and I would never change this for anything in the world.  She listens in silence if there is nothing else she can offer, she guides me in difficult times, she helps when I feel overwhelmed.

I want to thank you for being such a wonderful friend to me.  My burden is not as heavy since you appeared in my life.  I look forward to meet up or chat online.  We laugh and cry and it feels really good.

May your life be blessed with lots of love, peace and joy.


Friday, September 12, 2014

Some cake will do just fine

I feel like cake.  Nice chocolate cake.

Right now, my body is tired.  Every part of me is screaming for some time alone to meditate, to nurture, to love myself.

I still got 2 weeks before both kids are in school, so that is not quite an option.  And damn am I finding it difficult to be present to my kids.  My kids who right now really really need me as school approaches and the anxiety is settling in.

I am irritable, short tempered and scary to myself so even more so to my little babes.

Today Greg's anger reached the point of no return and I let him scream and rage and cry.  He needed it.  And when that happened I found myself again.  The mother I am meant to be: calm and loving and understanding.

Tomorrow is a new day and my body will still be tired and pining away for my me time.  I am dreaming of retreating with yoga, chants, healthy food, massage and possibly even a good laugh with friends.  But tomorrow I will do my utmost to push it all on the back burner for a while longer.  Because I want my kids to go to school relaxed and happy and care free.

So tomorrow I will wake up and think of love filling every crevice of this house till it shines and outshines the rest of our village.  It will overflow and we will be happy and my kids will once more know they can start relax again, their mummy is back.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Changing winds

The days are rolling in.  Summer is coming to an end.

So many things to plan and do.  So many updates need to be made.  So many projects need to be finished.

It is all kinda overwhelming and exciting. For a change I am looking forward to kids returning to school.  To be able and meet up with the fabulous ladies that are pushing me, helping me and changing me to reach my full potential in my work.

This coming year will have a lot of newness in it.


Monday, August 25, 2014

Experiments


We did some experiments last month.  The kids had really fun.  I found them on Kids Activities Blog should you wish to have a go.



this is just creating Cs actually but it was fun so have put it up as well


A volcano.  We had bees wax in the bottom, sand, water than we put it on the stove



Milk, dish soap and food colouring

This I think was the favourite. water, pepper , rub your hand with soap and dip it in the water

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Taking school outdoors

We've been doing some exploring in school.  So we did some night hikes with the dad and enjoyed it so much we are doing them on a daily basis.(or maybe we can call them sunset hikes really as mostly are done before the sun completely sets).
the super full moon a few days ago

Today we also went to explore in Buskett, together with some new friends.  It was mighty fun and we have seen a lot of interesting stuff.











Monday, July 14, 2014

Cyclic changes

My journey has changed me considerably from the one I have been as a teen and young adult.

Motherhood of course played a major role in this.

Meeting some amazing people in the last 4 years though has really helped me to push when I felt that I had been stuck in mud.

These people not only helped me move forward in my spiritual life and the way I view life in general but has truly helped me see things I never saw before, thought of before - things that seemed regular, normal and were not.

That being said, I always danced to my own tune really, so somehow realising that I am actually a normal girl following my instincts rather than the cultural norm and that while it seems that I am alone in this, I am not, felt liberating.  It taught me so much more about me and about our life, how we view it and how we make it look to our children.

I guess the biggest eye openers have been about dilapidating, menstruation and sex among many other things.  The way women are viewed and what is expected of them and especially how this effects us all.

I have realised how damaging most of all this is to us women and how I can make sure my daughter learns otherwise despite moving against the current.  Because she is worth much more than that and so am I




Friday, July 11, 2014

Summer Days

Apart for beaching alone or with family and friends most days, we have also been doing some fun schooling.  I admit I am enjoying schooling so much more this year that I am forgetting the camera to memorise that moment.  But here are some of the things we've been doing.

We updated our nature table to picture Summer in all its glory (the painting was done by Greg at school)

Here you can see a variety free drawing and form drawing and the things they love


Form drawing is something we do everyday. I draw something and they have to try and copy it.  More geared towards Gregory but Maya ain't doing a bad job of it either

Free and sensory painting is another thing we do often.  This is paint and sand and Greg's interpretation of fireworks

This week we were doing our 5 senses.  Apart for these sheets we did a lot of feel, taste, hear, smell and see experiments


We also role play a bit and today was at the restaurant.  We took it in turns to be waiter, chef and customer.  The above are Maya's idea of a pizza and Greg's idea of a pizza - can you see how particularly perfect it is?


We also learn through fun P.E.  Last week we had masking tape in straight, zigzag, wavy lines for the kids to walk on forwards and backwards.  This week we had the ribbon sticks which we used to learn more on curves and circles and waves.

Gregory is also learning to read and write a little and next month we will also introduce maths.  As part of the curriculum there is bed making for the little man and dusting, cleaning bathrooms, cleaning and feeding the birds as well as watering the plants for both.  I hoped they would also be more involved in the cooking but they are not interested so had to let go of that.  Please note that the kids are still 5 and 3 so for the chores I am present at all times, helping them, directing them and reminding them to do them.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Moments of Gozo

Gozo is where we can truly enjoy family time and have long lovely walks in unspoilt countryside.



The kids practising ballet dancing on the rocks


Gregory wanted to take pics.  This is his photo 

We went on top of straw bales to check out the view...but really they just wanted to try it as a slide and it seems it was great fun!

I rare moment taken - As nowadays my big boy doesn't like me to take him in photos unless its rear facing!

Megalith filled field

running, exploring, enjoying and oops we forgot the sunscreen today.

lovely flora in Wied Mielah- this is Widnet il Bahar

more photo taking by Greg - at least he took a pic of his own shadow :)

darling hubby got a bit sunburnt

we found lots and lots of sea shell fossils

rock pool near the ....

Wied Mielah window - spectacular.  It was awesome and the path leading towards it just as much


open expanses

beautiful horizons - Gurdan Lighthouse



Cheeky Maya caring for baby Betty


Sunday, December 28, 2014

Impatience

I had 3 impatient days.  Impatience that was transmitted to the kids.

I was truly impatient with the whole family!  I realised today, that all this is stemming from a simple reason: I want Christmas to be ready now so I can move on to the next thing in my life.

It saddened me when I saw what was happening and today while still impatient I managed to keep it low and enjoy some quality time with family.

Yes I am excited to have my children's birthday and give them the presents that have been in the closet for nearly a month now.  I am excited to have my new home schooling corner set up.  I am excited to continue the work I had to stop due to Christmas holidays from various people and I am excited to add more to my work in breastfeeding.

But these 12 days of Christmas are 12 days of reflection and I should use them wisely.


Thursday, December 25, 2014

Christmassy thoughts

It's been so far one of the best Christmases ever.

I am already finding ways of improving our celebration of Christ being born.

We need it even simpler then this year.  The food this year is stuck in my throat.  Why are we eating so much food like there is no tomorrow?  We do not even fast any more before Christmas.

One of the things that glared out at me this year is too much food and so next year it will be a very simple normal affair of food.

The presents have still been the centre of attention by the kids.  Would love that to change....because ultimately they do not show much appreciation for them- just a matter of OK I want the next one- especially my big boy.

This year it was lovely having our small family at Christmas Eve starting a tradition and would be so happy to expand that.

I am looking forward to continuing the celebration with the 12 days of Christmastide this year.  Normally the day after Christmas usually feels empty.  Christmas celebrations stop with the birth but this season carries on longer and it is nice to make sure we celebrate it to the max.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

WE finished the crib and did more...

Our 3 and 4 Advent day activities were to finish off the crib and we did.  I only did the shaping of the initial stage the rest was all the children; and I think its lovely!




Our next activity was to take a family photo.  Here is one of the many we took!



6th Dec, being the feast of St Nick, we read a short story on St Nick as well as the poem Twas the night before Christmas by Clement Moore.  We also bought a nice Christmas sack and the kids chose a book and a toy each plus they chose some food for the kids that live in the creche and took it to them.  We did not see the children there but my babes could see how life is completely different and how thankful we should be.

for the feast of the Immaculate Conception, we learnt that the Lord had us on our minds from a long long time and so we did some crafts as presents to our grandparents as we have them on our minds often.


This is actually Maya's present to her teacher.  She loves her way too much :)






We've also written our Christmas cards and did one for the teachers to show our appreciation.

Maya's card

Greg's card


Monday, December 8, 2014

Looking inwards and back

When I was going to the retreat  a few weeks ago I decided to grab a book with me: The Zahir by Paolo Coelho.  I have read the book a few times already but intuition told me to read it again.

I hardly read at the retreat, it was one of those times where people talked to me and I talked to them.  Feeling easy even though I hardly knew any one I enjoyed telling them about my life.  I never asked them about theirs; when I did it just felt like I had to but I was not interested.  I realised though that I am passionate about my life, yet complain a lot about it.

My husband always tells me so and it is true.  Last night he kindly got me a mug of hot chocolate and some strawberries.  I did not thank him, I complained that he got me more strawberries then I requested and that he washed them when I had already done so.  Why did I do that? Out of habit more then anything else because I knew as soon as the words started spouting out that I was being insensitive and unloving but I did not stop and I did not quite try to remedy after.

This morning I woke up and was led straight for the book.  A lot of things shone brightly to me.  And it always feels amazing that a book like this continues to teach me about love and my marriage and my life.

......discovering, in the process, that there is nothing worse than the feeling that no one cares whether we exist or not, that no one is interested in what we have to say about life, and that the world can continue turning without our awkward presence.
Isn't this true? we want to be heard, listened to and loved and to feel alone is the worse feeling in the world.

Yet they sense that something is wrong.  they can't quite put a finger on the problem.  As time passes, they grow more and more dependant on each other; they are getting older; any opportunities to make a new life are vanishing fast......they can see they are growing farther and farther apart, but cannot understand why.
Most of us cannot understand why we or how we get so far from each other despite living together for many years.  We sense it but many a time are afraid to voice it, explore it, pursue it; because we are afraid of what will happen then.

That is why it is so important to let things go.  To release them.  To cut loose.....sometimes we win, sometimes we loose.  Don't expect anything back, don't expect recognition for your efforts, don't expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood.  Complete the circle, not out of pride, inability or arrogance but simply because whatever it is no longer fits your life.  Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust.  Stop being who you were and start being who you are.
This is so difficult for us to do, yet so essential.  We have been taught that we need to be recognised for our efforts, to be understood, to expect something for something.  It should not be so.  We should live to please ourselves and full fill ourselves in a sense.

In failed marriage when one person stops walking the other is forced to do the same.  And while he or she is waiting, other lovers appear, or charitable work, there are the children to worry about etc It would be much easier to talk openly about things, to insist, to yell: Let's move on were dying of tedium, anxiety, fear.
But spouses are not always willing to listen.  They are too afraid of what all this will mean.  We have too much fear in our hearts and lives.

...let's suppose two firemen go into a forest to put out a small fire.  Afterwards, when they emerge and go over to the steam, the face of one is all smeared with black, while the other is clean. which two will clean his face?....the one with the dirty face will assume that he looks like him and vice versa.......I came to realise I was always looking for myself in the women I loved.   I looked at their lovely clean faces and saw myself reflected in them. They looked at me and saw the dirt on my face and ended up seeing themselves reflected in me....

This is absolutely true.  We reflect each other without noticing it.  And even when we do we tend to brush it aside because learning more about our own dirt is quite a confrontation to the self.

It is so easy to overlook the signs and pretend that all is perfect.  It is easy to pretend that through life we have remained unchanged.  That the person I was 10 years ago and with whom I decided to spend the rest of my life are same and one.  When the anxiety, problems, fear, thoughts come to mind we make our best to extinguish them and bury them deep.  Because we are too afraid to let go of the past and live in the present.  We are afraid we changed or the person with us changed too much and we will need to take separate paths. Despite saying many times that we seek and love adventure, the only real adventure - life- we are terrified to live it.  And doing so only hurts us more.  The struggle is real, the fears are real, but living a lie is even worse then what the outcome can ever be.


 
 
 

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Saturday, November 15, 2014

It's time to start sewing

A lot of shifts have been happening within.

I am emotionally and physically tired.

I still need to grasp exactly the many details that are raging through my head.

I am completely at a loss from where to start.

The threads in my hand are multiplying quickly and sometimes I am not able to handle them all.  I am still learning how to sew them together, how to mend.

It is exciting and frightening.  Interesting, mind boggling and infinitely fed up of holding it all and juggling it all.

A steep learning curve on many, so many fronts!

It gives me a boost of hope.

It allows me to continue my journey, see the true me emerge from the ashes.  Building up my strengths where weaknesses resist.

The infinite grandness of the universe who support me and give me the tools and people in my life that help me achieve it all is awesome.

I am blessed.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

This is life

Sadness is when you are not heard
Sadness is when you are not listened to
Sadness is when you feel without support
Sadness is when you wake up with a heavy bleeding heart.

Lonely is the path of the truthful
Lonely is the path of your true self
Lonely is the path of your high standards
Lonely is the path but I know I am not alone

In grief I weep
In grief I bleed
In grief I am strong
In grief I live without bonds

Light my way dear angels
Show me the trail I am meant to take
Lead me by hand because I am fearful
Let me gather myself for the battle will be long

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Christmas is in the air

This year I feel like I am late with my preperations but then I realised most of the stuff is done from last year so there are only a few tweaks that needs to be arranged and now I can say I am ready and happy.

Here is how our Advent and Christmas will look like and these are the books we will be reading more or less daily.



26 November do an Advent wreath with the kids to start lighting 30th Nov

Advent activities
 Mon - Put on the decorations
 Tues - Start contructing the crib
Wed - Finish off the crib
  Thurs - Put in the statues of the crib
 Fri - Take a family photo
 Sat - Celebrate St Nick by reading story, poem, activities: gift giving to crèche a big nice stocking; as well as do the Christmas grass
 Sun - See film – Home Alone + light second candle
 Mon - Celebrate the Immaculate Conception by reading story, drawing, explaining that God always had us on his mind even before birth, activity: do a small present for the grandparents because we have them our minds
 Tues – Visit the toy shops for gift ideas
 Wed – Do Christmas cards for teachers /family
 Thurs - Buy food for the needy & give it to parish priest to pass it on
 Fri - Celebrate St Lucia by reading story, drawing & doing St Lucia buns
 Sat - Go to Valletta enjoy the Christmas lights, train ride & dinner together + visit Christmas fair in Phoenicia till 6 pm
 Sun - Visit crib in Zejtun + light third candle
 Mon - See film- The Polar Express
 Tues - Send money to a charity
 Wed – Bake Christmas pudding together
 Thurs – Leave a small gift to our rubbish picker
 Fri - Do Advent Kindness Tree
 Sat -  Go to Gozo visit live crib in Ghajnsielem (4.30 pm)
 Sun – Sing Christmas Carols together + light last candle
 Mon - Write a letter to Jesus and burn it
 Tues - Write a family letter and affix it in the living room
  Wed - Put baby Jesus in the crib

12 days of Christmas activities
 Sun - Christmas day Mass and spend with family
 Mon - St Stephen day celebrate by reading story, drawing
  Tues – see the film curious George a very monkey Christtmas
 Wed - Read the poem 12 days of Christmas and explain meaning
 Thurs - Go to the aquarium
 Fri -  invite a few mummies & kiddies for tea
 Sat - Do Qaghaq tal-ghasel
 Sun – New Year Day family time
 Mon - Feast of Mary Mother of God read story of St Mary, activity: do a rosary (http://www.ehow.com/how_4856821_make-rosary-kids.html)
 Tues - Go to Buskett for a picnic
 Wed – Do candles (http://www.kidspot.com.au)
 Thurs – story of Epiphany; end of Christmas season we take down decorations


Thursday, November 6, 2014

Living in the real world

Life is unexpected.

We get used to our routine and suddenly life changes our whole world.  It is scary most of the time.  Often interlinked with sadness and anger.

But I have been learning that everything happens for a reason.  Every encounter is there to help me grow. Every little thing whether welcomed or not is there to help me reach my full potential - find my true self.

And I am in a point in my life with many wonderful people who are helping me in more ways then they will probably ever know.

I am also at a point of my life where my world just went topsy turvy. A tiny speck but which can change a lot of outcomes in my very near future.  A lesson in letting go, facing fears and accepting what I can not change.  A lesson in making sure I do not let my stress out on the children and a lesson in remembering that it is useless to stress about something I can not change.

The things I have been struggling on in parenting came all tumbling down on me with no way out except moving on and making sure I finally get there.  It is amazing this life of ours.

So right now I thank my support system - those that one can see but also those that I believe are of the spiritual world.  In spite of my fears right now I can feel their cloak of love covering me and beckoning me.  It is really an opportunity for me to grow some more :) and I thank God, life who is giving me this opportunity even if some what I bit blunt.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

the darkening clouds

The flood gates opened.  The dam has burst.  The seams couldn't take the strain any more.

I have seen the storm brewing within a few days but I chose to ignore; to pretend it was all in my imagination.  That all is going well and good......

The procrastinating at doing home work was the beginning.  The refusal to answer did you have a good day or which part of the day you enjoyed most was a glaring facet of the storm and today he just came out and asked me the question for which he knew the answer.

Maybe he realised that the pent up emotions needed to get out and he has realised also that the quickest way for him is to have a massive meltdown.  It lasted approximately an hour.  He was happier after but refused to talk about any of it.

I can see it is not over. I brace myself and wonder whether I should wait before asking questions or go ahead and ask them.

I am tired beyond thinking.  My kids are suffering and right now my hands are tied in all directions.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

weaned from the breast

I guess I can say Maya weaned from the breast at 3.9 years of age.

While I initiated the process, well I still find it bitter sweet that she hasn't asked to nurse for the past week.  She still fondles and hold them to sleep :) and I doubt it will be soon before she stops doing that.

I am seriously at a lack of words at the realisation of what happened this week.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Of diamonds and friends

This post is dedicated to that woman who has come in my life recently and has helped me in more ways than I care mention.

Friends are like diamonds they say precious and difficult to find.  I can not agree more!

For as long as I remember, I never really had a friend, a best friend that is, with whom to share all my difficulties and joys. A friend who listens without judging or trying to help even when clearly you can't.

My first awareness of this lack was in secondary school where I was part of a group but not really with them.  It acutely felt terrible knowing none of those girls can be called friends in that intimate sense.  When later after 10 years or so we had a reunion, I realised how little I had known of my own isolation... it hurt even though so many years had passed.

I tried to find that special friends for many years, but I got to mistrust people to the point that I always kept back a lot and so my trying wasn't good enough since I myself kept everyone at a distance.

Kids change you!  I have a special cousin who fills this gap nowadays.  Recently though I have been blessed with another such wonderful soul.  It was unlikely we'd ever be friends or anything at first glance; but family matters and work brought us together and I would never change this for anything in the world.  She listens in silence if there is nothing else she can offer, she guides me in difficult times, she helps when I feel overwhelmed.

I want to thank you for being such a wonderful friend to me.  My burden is not as heavy since you appeared in my life.  I look forward to meet up or chat online.  We laugh and cry and it feels really good.

May your life be blessed with lots of love, peace and joy.


Friday, September 12, 2014

Some cake will do just fine

I feel like cake.  Nice chocolate cake.

Right now, my body is tired.  Every part of me is screaming for some time alone to meditate, to nurture, to love myself.

I still got 2 weeks before both kids are in school, so that is not quite an option.  And damn am I finding it difficult to be present to my kids.  My kids who right now really really need me as school approaches and the anxiety is settling in.

I am irritable, short tempered and scary to myself so even more so to my little babes.

Today Greg's anger reached the point of no return and I let him scream and rage and cry.  He needed it.  And when that happened I found myself again.  The mother I am meant to be: calm and loving and understanding.

Tomorrow is a new day and my body will still be tired and pining away for my me time.  I am dreaming of retreating with yoga, chants, healthy food, massage and possibly even a good laugh with friends.  But tomorrow I will do my utmost to push it all on the back burner for a while longer.  Because I want my kids to go to school relaxed and happy and care free.

So tomorrow I will wake up and think of love filling every crevice of this house till it shines and outshines the rest of our village.  It will overflow and we will be happy and my kids will once more know they can start relax again, their mummy is back.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Changing winds

The days are rolling in.  Summer is coming to an end.

So many things to plan and do.  So many updates need to be made.  So many projects need to be finished.

It is all kinda overwhelming and exciting. For a change I am looking forward to kids returning to school.  To be able and meet up with the fabulous ladies that are pushing me, helping me and changing me to reach my full potential in my work.

This coming year will have a lot of newness in it.


Monday, August 25, 2014

Experiments


We did some experiments last month.  The kids had really fun.  I found them on Kids Activities Blog should you wish to have a go.



this is just creating Cs actually but it was fun so have put it up as well


A volcano.  We had bees wax in the bottom, sand, water than we put it on the stove



Milk, dish soap and food colouring

This I think was the favourite. water, pepper , rub your hand with soap and dip it in the water

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Taking school outdoors

We've been doing some exploring in school.  So we did some night hikes with the dad and enjoyed it so much we are doing them on a daily basis.(or maybe we can call them sunset hikes really as mostly are done before the sun completely sets).
the super full moon a few days ago

Today we also went to explore in Buskett, together with some new friends.  It was mighty fun and we have seen a lot of interesting stuff.











Monday, July 14, 2014

Cyclic changes

My journey has changed me considerably from the one I have been as a teen and young adult.

Motherhood of course played a major role in this.

Meeting some amazing people in the last 4 years though has really helped me to push when I felt that I had been stuck in mud.

These people not only helped me move forward in my spiritual life and the way I view life in general but has truly helped me see things I never saw before, thought of before - things that seemed regular, normal and were not.

That being said, I always danced to my own tune really, so somehow realising that I am actually a normal girl following my instincts rather than the cultural norm and that while it seems that I am alone in this, I am not, felt liberating.  It taught me so much more about me and about our life, how we view it and how we make it look to our children.

I guess the biggest eye openers have been about dilapidating, menstruation and sex among many other things.  The way women are viewed and what is expected of them and especially how this effects us all.

I have realised how damaging most of all this is to us women and how I can make sure my daughter learns otherwise despite moving against the current.  Because she is worth much more than that and so am I




Friday, July 11, 2014

Summer Days

Apart for beaching alone or with family and friends most days, we have also been doing some fun schooling.  I admit I am enjoying schooling so much more this year that I am forgetting the camera to memorise that moment.  But here are some of the things we've been doing.

We updated our nature table to picture Summer in all its glory (the painting was done by Greg at school)

Here you can see a variety free drawing and form drawing and the things they love


Form drawing is something we do everyday. I draw something and they have to try and copy it.  More geared towards Gregory but Maya ain't doing a bad job of it either

Free and sensory painting is another thing we do often.  This is paint and sand and Greg's interpretation of fireworks

This week we were doing our 5 senses.  Apart for these sheets we did a lot of feel, taste, hear, smell and see experiments


We also role play a bit and today was at the restaurant.  We took it in turns to be waiter, chef and customer.  The above are Maya's idea of a pizza and Greg's idea of a pizza - can you see how particularly perfect it is?


We also learn through fun P.E.  Last week we had masking tape in straight, zigzag, wavy lines for the kids to walk on forwards and backwards.  This week we had the ribbon sticks which we used to learn more on curves and circles and waves.

Gregory is also learning to read and write a little and next month we will also introduce maths.  As part of the curriculum there is bed making for the little man and dusting, cleaning bathrooms, cleaning and feeding the birds as well as watering the plants for both.  I hoped they would also be more involved in the cooking but they are not interested so had to let go of that.  Please note that the kids are still 5 and 3 so for the chores I am present at all times, helping them, directing them and reminding them to do them.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Moments of Gozo

Gozo is where we can truly enjoy family time and have long lovely walks in unspoilt countryside.



The kids practising ballet dancing on the rocks


Gregory wanted to take pics.  This is his photo 

We went on top of straw bales to check out the view...but really they just wanted to try it as a slide and it seems it was great fun!

I rare moment taken - As nowadays my big boy doesn't like me to take him in photos unless its rear facing!

Megalith filled field

running, exploring, enjoying and oops we forgot the sunscreen today.

lovely flora in Wied Mielah- this is Widnet il Bahar

more photo taking by Greg - at least he took a pic of his own shadow :)

darling hubby got a bit sunburnt

we found lots and lots of sea shell fossils

rock pool near the ....

Wied Mielah window - spectacular.  It was awesome and the path leading towards it just as much


open expanses

beautiful horizons - Gurdan Lighthouse



Cheeky Maya caring for baby Betty