This week I feel discouraged, dispirited and tired beyond reason. I was actually looking forward to leaving my puppy and go back to work in 2 months. Why? its not so simple to explain, but parenting is a big responsibility and the more time passes I see it become more difficult. What, in trying to be the best parent and having people questioning your parental method or if you actually really know what your kid needs at a given time(they are only trying to help I tell myself but they do confuse you) and me ending up explaining (which I don't need to really)....I suddenly felt all my energy dissipate and evaporate into nothing. Not even yoga could give it back to me and that usually works. But a tired heart its different from a tired body. To top it off so far we had 2 semi sleepless nights and I just felt even more drained and whenever Greg cries I nearly feel lightheaded and wanting to cry myself. Its a strange feeling really with every little scream I feel more energy leaving my body and Greg feels heavier than he is and when I have him in my arms I can't think what I should do to calm him, my system numbs and I get listless. I think that I can't do it anymore that its too much and soon after I think so, I breathe deeply, smile at my little one and find that little bit of energy to carry me through the day and make Greg feel loved and cared for.
Just a few minutes ago I found this entry in 5 minutes for parenting and it rang so true and it gave me some of that energy back and a glimmer of pride and happiness. After all his smiles outweigh the cries by light years and God never gives us more than we can bear. If you want to read the full entry please follow the link at the bottom.
Somewhere in the middle of the store the baby in my left arm got heavier,
the cart got even more awkward, the children began to whine, and I realized, I
can't do this. It had been a difficult weekend, taking care of the kids alone,
uncertain whether the baby will need surgery, uncertain about the future of my
husband's job, and struggling to steer that stupid cart finally broke me. I
cannot do this.
But I had to.
Leaving the cart and getting the kids out
and trekking back to the door would have been even more work, and the shopping
would still need to be done. Even if I couldn't, I had to. The longer I am
a parent, the more I find myself doing things that I just cannot do. Like always
walking twice as far as I thought I could, parenting has given me
And even though I am very, very tired, that gives me hope
And even though I am tired, I have to carry on and somehow I find some more energy stored in the deep recesses of my body and that truly gives you hope...