let Summer begin

We are counting the days till Summer holidays here.

We are learning new ways how to interact and love and learn so the excitment of 3 full months practice together is impossible to contain.

My weaving is finally forming a pattern; and everytime a little bit is added, it looks amazing.

Then I get my moments of impatience and I practically rip it all up.  But the pattern is growing slowly and I can't wait to see its full glory in a few years' time.

Each learning curve, each moment I am using new tools to get me to my destination.  I will never see a clear path, because life is full of wonderful surprises leading us to expand even more.

I am afraid, ecstatic, at peace, unsure......but I am loving the process with its infuriating slowness.

This is how it is meant to be and my little Benajmin is there to remind me to take it slow because in its slowness, things are changing quickly.  In this continuum change I am savouring the moments that slip by a blink of an eye.

This Summer is going to be a wonderful experience of changed love, of joy, of friendships and family.

These 12 days is what remains between now and then.

Love courageously update

I have arrived to day 11 in this love challenge.

As a small update, I have reread the 5 love languages of children and started practising them more with my family. I left a note for my kids in their lunch box, I bought them stuff they needed and wrapped them up as a present, I tell them more that I love them and went on a date with them separately.  We also do special time as much as possible.  It is starting to work - especially with Gregory who is also showing more love back.

In the meantime I had read about the key jar and decided to do it.  Every couple of days during dinner one of us picks a question and everyone answers it.  This is working best with Maya so far but hoping it will catch up with Gregory to.

Appreciation what day 11 is about is sometimes forgotten by me.  So I am making it a point  to show my appreciation possibly daily.  Ways I am showing appreciation is by thanking them for being helpful, for cooperating, for being quiet, for letting me work, for keeping peace..... it makes them feel proud when I tell them this and they are starting to do more of these positive traits.

Tomorrow its day 12 - loving through aggression - this is going to be very interesting as I tend to lean towards aggression myself so I need to learn not just teach.  Possibly so far this will be the most challenging part of loving and I am looking forward to learn and teach and finally get to the best part...being soft and loving 99% of the time :)

Impatience

I had 3 impatient days.  Impatience that was transmitted to the kids.

I was truly impatient with the whole family!  I realised today, that all this is stemming from a simple reason: I want Christmas to be ready now so I can move on to the next thing in my life.

It saddened me when I saw what was happening and today while still impatient I managed to keep it low and enjoy some quality time with family.

Yes I am excited to have my children's birthday and give them the presents that have been in the closet for nearly a month now.  I am excited to have my new home schooling corner set up.  I am excited to continue the work I had to stop due to Christmas holidays from various people and I am excited to add more to my work in breastfeeding.

But these 12 days of Christmas are 12 days of reflection and I should use them wisely.

Christmassy thoughts

It's been so far one of the best Christmases ever.

I am already finding ways of improving our celebration of Christ being born.

We need it even simpler then this year.  The food this year is stuck in my throat.  Why are we eating so much food like there is no tomorrow?  We do not even fast any more before Christmas.

One of the things that glared out at me this year is too much food and so next year it will be a very simple normal affair of food.

The presents have still been the centre of attention by the kids.  Would love that to change....because ultimately they do not show much appreciation for them- just a matter of OK I want the next one- especially my big boy.

This year it was lovely having our small family at Christmas Eve starting a tradition and would be so happy to expand that.

I am looking forward to continuing the celebration with the 12 days of Christmastide this year.  Normally the day after Christmas usually feels empty.  Christmas celebrations stop with the birth but this season carries on longer and it is nice to make sure we celebrate it to the max.

the darkening clouds

The flood gates opened.  The dam has burst.  The seams couldn't take the strain any more.

I have seen the storm brewing within a few days but I chose to ignore; to pretend it was all in my imagination.  That all is going well and good......

The procrastinating at doing home work was the beginning.  The refusal to answer did you have a good day or which part of the day you enjoyed most was a glaring facet of the storm and today he just came out and asked me the question for which he knew the answer.

Maybe he realised that the pent up emotions needed to get out and he has realised also that the quickest way for him is to have a massive meltdown.  It lasted approximately an hour.  He was happier after but refused to talk about any of it.

I can see it is not over. I brace myself and wonder whether I should wait before asking questions or go ahead and ask them.

I am tired beyond thinking.  My kids are suffering and right now my hands are tied in all directions.

Hike at ziguzajg in Dingli Cliffs

the view

Greg showing us rabbit holes

lovely viewing window

Widnet il-Bahar Malta's national plant

fossils

So Many things

This morning I woke up feeling like a truck had run over me and thinking I. AM. SO. DONE. WITH. SUMMER!!

Seriously, I have enjoyed a full month with both kids at home but now half way through Summer with the August heat on everyone was getting whiny and I was frazzled and tired all the time.

Than 3 things happened that gave me a boost of so much needed energy....

1. the weather went from super hot to cold wind and cloudy and while I do not like the dust that is managing to come inside my home, I welcomed the change with open arms and the feeling that Autumn is near hugged my heart and my senses.
2. A friend posted a quote from Mother Theresa stating that the Lord never gives us more than we can handle but I wish he didn't trust me so much and felt like this is so true at this moment in time in my life
3. I received confirmation that I am now officially a breastfeeding counsellor

All those helped me focus more and a few minutes ago while the kids were falling down to sleep it occurred to me that while it was being a tad more difficult right now to parent them, I was controlling myself more.  I was seeing when I was going to loose it and change the situation in a way that we all end up laughing.

And that quote from earlier made more sense and it brought me much more joy and I felt relieved because finally I was showing and teaching my kids how to go about controlling their feelings :)

Lent and very young children

Lent started also at our house this week.

I had been wondering how to make Lent meaningful for my kids and just a few weeks ago I only had a drawing book on how to teach the kids about Lent.  Than, while trying to come up with a lovely Lent article for the school newsletter I came across this and it sent me into a whirlwind of exciting activities for the kids for which I am ever so grateful.

• To start with I did a lamb poster and divided it into 40 boxes.  Everyday of Lent we glue a piece of cotton wool into a box.  This gives a concrete feel to the length of Lent to my young kids and at the same time just like the Advent calendar an excitement in knowing that Easter is getting nearer each day.
• Lent of course is the season to pray, fast and give.  We are learning a new prayer during Lent - all of us.  The kids are abstaining from sweets for the whole Lental season.  It might seem daunting at first you think but it isn't really because Sundays (and I didn't know this before) is not considered part of Lent as it is always the celebration of Christ's Resurrection.  therefore we all eat sweets if we feel like on a Sunday but abstain from it Monday through Saturday.
• The good deeds jar: In a symbolic way to teach kids how God showers us with good will whenever we walk along His path of grace, I did this jar.  Whenever one of them does a good deed - sharing toys, food, helping out etc - I put a chick pea in the jar.  At the end of the Lent season, we will count the chick peas and give the children the double amount in sweets (I'd prefer to give them something else but haven't thought of something healthier!)
• The Lent caterpillar is as the name implies.  You do a caterpillar out of carton in the beginning of Lent.  Put it in a cocoon half way through.  Than replace it with a butterfly Easter Sunday.  The meaning is the life of Jesus, the death of Jesus and the new life He gave us when He came back to life.
• And the famous drawing book.  You can buy that in Catholic bookstores locally.  Under each picture to paint there is a short note on the meaning of Lent and it is an interesting way to learn about this season.

Sometimes teaching children about our faith can seem difficult.  The difficulty normally though stems from the fact that we are not quite sure of our faith and we do not quite live our life according to The Liturgical Year.  It could be for many reasons but in deciding to reach out and teach our children I have seen that I am learning just as much and loving and appreciating my faith that much more.

It's New Year's Eve.

Another year has incredibly come to a close.

I am terrified of the coming year......my oldest will be four in January and my youngest two.  And they have suddenly grown oh so much that I think -gosh how much more will they grow this new year? and how is it that Maya is nearing kindergarten already?

Yes I feel time slipping out of my hands and many a time I feel like I haven't accomplished anything with my kids.  That I haven't parented them at all - like they just ran wild without direction from me or Dave.  It is terrifying thinking about this.....and yet I know we did do sooooooo many things and taught our kids lots.

So I embrace this new coming year with a focus on sharing, taking turns, waiting and respect.  I am quite excited about it all because its the first time I decided to find a parenting focus for the year.

Hopefully, I will also give you, monthly updates so we can all see together any progress we might be doing.

While I am still at home nursing my flu turned infection, I wish you all a safe and joyous journey into 2013!

Advent

Because I want my kids to learn and appreciate our Roman Catholic Church more than I have ever done so far, I try and incorporate traditions in our daily lives that include the Church.  So at the moment we are observing Advent - the coming of Christ.

We are doing this by having an Advent Wreath which we are lighting every week, an advent calendar which tells the story of Jesus rather than having sweets and stuff not essential for this feast and by drawing on our
Advent colouring book.

I am enjoying these just as much as the kids as I really am learning and appreciating our religion more.  However, I woke up this week to the fact that I am teaching the kids about it but I am not observing it myself.  This is an omission I decided to rectify not only for me but also for my babes who learn by copying.

You might be wondering what I haven't been doing..... well Advent should be a small Lent and so I will start fasting as from tomorrow.  It is also a time where we should pray more and that has been unfortunately lacking recently.  It is also a time of almsgiving - helping out those in need.

May this post inspire you to do the same.

Many blessings!

Raising a son

Is probably the most difficult thing we have to go through as mothers.  Because boys have been for centuries led to believe they should be tough etc.

So when my 3 year old cries I am admonished for reaching out to him because he should toughen up.  If he comes for comfort I am cuddling him too much and will not be a man.  If he sees all the beautiful sparkly stuff we girls have I am told he shouldn't be allowed to try them or he'll turn out gay.  And the list goes on.

Its a constant battle of me vs the rest of the world including my own family.

It is sometimes a battle against myself because I was brought up in this type of world and when he asks to put on the red ballerina pumps or the hair pins it does push my comfort zone and yet I can't tell him no.  I can't shame him into believing it is either black or white and how can i blame him for wanting to try the girl stuff when boy stuff is so bland and boring?

Yesterday Maya wanted me to paint her toes like I do and he got interested and wanted his too.  I know men do paint their nails nowadays but it felt girlish and I wasn't very comfy and I knew I would receive an assault of what you dids etc which of course undermined my confidence.  In the end we agreed on just 2 nails.  He was happy to try it out and I was happy not to have told him a plain no- although I did say that it's mainly girls that paint their nails!

It is frustrating trying balancing things out.

Many a time I am confused on how to deal with such a situation because of how I am made to feel by others.  It shouldn't be and while I try to ignore it, it is very difficult to carry on especially when you lack lots of support.

Life at school- uneasiness

Since the day I got to know who my son's teacher would be at kindergarten I felt uneasy. 

Originally we were advised of a different teacher, with whom we were pleased and our son seemed to like.  It would have been a class of 14 students- not big really- and we were happy.  Than last minute we were told that the education department asked them to put the new students (4) into a different class with a different teacher and where given one which had just gone out on pension. 

Of course we were biased on the fact that from a young, sweet and energetic teacher he was getting this oldish (62 yrs), not energetic and not inspiring teacher.  However, this notwithstanding, I had an unease in my stomach.  It subsided when Gregory started going quite happy to school and seemed to transfer trust to his teacher but still there was this lingering doubt.

Than of course started those little things which would infuriate me like seeing my always lefthanded son trying to eat and draw with his right side.  I told him not to listen to anyone who tells him to use his right unless he is happy to do it and he has now reverted to left handedness.  Than the incident were I was told to give him only bread for school as he makes a mess with the other food or the fact that crackers which he used to eat daily started coming  back and Greg telling me that the teacher told him no beacause they are messy.  I told him that if he wants to eat them he should not listen to his teacher and today I gave them to him not in the plastic so he can just munch on them.  Or the punishments that he constantly mentions of which I am not happy.  Or the many rumours which are actually founded that she shouts a lot, sometimes raises her hands on them and now that the door between the two kindergarten classes is being kept closed.

My son seems happy about school.  Yet I am not comfortable with this teacher.  I will of course speak with the headmaster and I will probably have to confront her eventually.  Today me and another mother have written a letter tot he education department- her daughter has got out so negatively from this teacher that she doesn't want to go to school anymore!  The education department called her and we wrote also this letter and hope that the teacher is removed fast, hopefully by mid April.

Just now I am wondering if I am doing the right thing since he seems good and happy.  At the same time he doesn't tell me anything about school and asking questions doesn't really get him to tell me much anyway.  Today she told me that he is a big boy to take the breast.  What does she care anyway?  Since we are happy with this arrangement and doesn't effect her schooling she shouldn't question my decision and she shouldn't do it regardless really.

I am sad that she seems to be discipline wise completely the opposite if what I was hoping he will get at school.
I am threatened by this woman because I do not feel confident enough in the way I should handle her
I am afraid of her effect unbeknown to me she is having on my son
I am angry that the headmaster is doing nothing about it even though he has had several complaints not from her own students' parents but also from others when she was supplementing.
I am livid that she thinks she knows best what is good for my son & that communication with her is only limited to the way it suits her
I am concerned because no one seems willing to tell me how my son's day proceeds or how he reacts to certain things- there is no parents day for kindergarten and i simply can not understand why.

And the only way out of this is for me to get out of my comfort zone and engage all people concerned till I get the results required.

Clinging

There is my cheeky son!  He is 3 years and started school a month ago.

Gregory at this age can be a joy to be around.  Telling stories or just telling you what will happen next during the day or just an insight on something that happened at school.  He has LOTS of energy and enjoys laughing that beautiful smile of his.

He is also very much clinging to his last vestiges of babyhood.  As if letting go of them will somehow change everything.  Its more a reversal to some toddler ways really like won't eat unless given to him which alas I will have to put my foot down as it is also effecting his eating at school.  Suddenly telling me that he can't put on or off clothes and shoes or cut the veggies.  The problem here would stem into a tantrum of he can't do it but doesn't want me to help him do it.  It can be a tight rope!
We are still finding it difficult to have him understand emotions and needs or wants which still causes tantrums.  That is our ongoing battle.

On the other hand, he is starting to show empathy once in a blue moon.  He also started to show affection to those around him by hugging them.  Saying please and thank you and sometimes sorry without our prompting at all.  Started to sing songs whereas generally he doesn't quite like to join in (although he does tend to sing them to himself and not with us or so on).

He is still very volatile but it is getting better, very, very, extremely, slowly.  I catch myself worrying way too much on him.  I need to release him more into the world after all he is accountable for his own feelings and while I still need to guide him for still quite a long time, I also need to show him that he is accountable for anything he does, says or decides and while I am always there for him, he needs to find his own path.

Communicating Feelings

How do you express sadness over events that happened in an appropiate way?

I do not know myself-My little man needs a lot of communication skills to learn and yet unless I learn them myself first, he will not get there himself.

So today I struggle.  Struggle to understand why the sadness I felt this morning over Greg hurtng myself and Maya.  The sadness of expressing his own anger in aggression, was expressed by myself as anger and aggression.  Can you see a pattern?

Yeah I am the one who is teaching him the bad ways while advocating he shouldn't do it!  Truthfully I forgive myself for this transgression and am happy to know that I am aware of it.  BUT how do I change it to non violent action and positive teaching?

-Sigh- I have no idea.  With Greg being in school, I haven't had a lot of episodes like this.  Today being a holiday we woke up all in arms and getting at  each other.  It saddened me because I do not want his days at home to be full of anger and resentment and aggression.

I will sit with this question today, ask for guidance and let it churn in my head.  An answer will surely come forth.

1st day of school

My heart beats wildly

Temper flares

A thumping head

Scalding eyes

My fingers tremble

As I feed him b'fast

I am so proud

Yet falling to pieces

He clutches to me

Not wanting me to leave

I soothe him down

Holding back tears

My last goodbye

And I leave

Hearing him howling behind

I don't look back

My heart beats wildly

My scalding eyes

I nurse my lil' one to sleep

And my tears flow.

The house feels empty

His toys strewn around

That ache in my heart

Of strings starting to cut loose

Tears follow tears

But I know..

I gave him the tools to adapt

And he'll be fine!



Conversations and thoughts

Its mind blowing when I think my boy- my first new born- has turned 3 and next Wednesday is starting preschool or as it is locally known kindergarten.

It is actually time for me to let go of his hand and for him to fledge.  I know we are both ready for this change.  I know we are both looking forward to it.  But I am also very painfully aware that this transition is going to be a bit tough and we are both scared stiff.

For this last week he started wetting the bed again even during nap time.  I soon realised that its all stress related.  In that little mind of his, he is making the connections and realising that school is suddenly round the corner.  He is petrified at the idea of me not being there with him.

Today while going to school for a brief meeting and seeing once more his teacher and so on he hugged me close (no walking) and this conversation followed.

I don't want to go to school alone
Are you afraid?
Yes
You'd like to go to school but want me with you?
Yes
You know even I am scared.  Its something new and we will be apart from each other but just like I come back for you when at grandma I will at school.
But I don't want to go alone
Listen, you will try it out for 3 days ok and another 5 days.  If you are still not happy you can stop going and try again next year. 
OK

Believe me I simply do not know how I will manage not to cry on Wednesday morning in front of him.  This morning during that conversation, I fought more tears than I ever did before.  However once inside his classroom he was quite happy to mix with the kids and play with them (at the time building blocks).  He did come for help whenever something didn't go according to his way and I tried to let the teacher guide him by telling him that here it is Ms Joanne whom he has to ask for help mummy is just looking- didn't work much I admit but still....

And yes if after a week he does insist on not wanting to go to school I will not make him go.  After all this is pre-school and next year is a brand new day :)

Disciplining Adults

The most difficult aspect in disciplining children is actually disciplining ourselves the parents and those who are in close contact with our children.

It is already not so easy to keep oneself in check but how do you make others understand the importance of certain aspects of parenting or rather disciplining?

The child does something which is unacceptable like hitting.  You admonish him and give him a time in (rather than a time out I prefer a time in.  We spend 5 minutes together doing nothing apart for reminding him that it is not acceptable to hit and why) BUT you still cuddle him and comfort him.  Is that unusual?  Do you think you are not giving him the right interpretation?

Let me try explain the reasoning- you are telling your child that it is not ok to do certain things like hitting.  However it is ok to feel upset about the whole issue of having been reminded and got into a time in and mama is still here to make you feel better about it.  Firm yet gentle!

I find this hard to get it across certain people and its frustrating since things than normally escalate even more.  In this quest of mine to discipline my children firmly yet gently I have taken a new year resolution already- that to stop shouting at my children when I am tired or out of it.  To ask for more help if I feel the need without the nagging feeling of being not a good enough mother.  To LISTEN more to my children (my son if he sees me getting angry and sometimes I haven't even shouted he tells dont shout mama- it does not always get across to me but many a time I find it like a bucket of cold water and stops me immediately from becoming like an angry bull).

And you how do you find discipline?

the potty adventures

As you have read here, we began potty training me and Gregory.

Nearly two months have passed since then and the progress is significant.  In fact we have taken the past few days the step were apart for night time no nappy is used on Gregory.  Today, we also had another first where I took him out on an errand with the big boy pants only - it was a success in many ways.

I am still the spectator that cheers and helps and encourages.  Being so also made me realize a couple of things:

• I've had people tell me that they would have left their child for 5 mins or more on the potty in the hope that they use it.  Children whom as grown ups sometimes seem not to know if they actually need to use the  bathroom.  This led me to the conclusion that this method would have led my son to doubt his urges and feelings
• Why this need to hurry potty training to preferably a day or two? Like the child had to take his time to learn to walk, so again is potty training and this leads to harmony at home and more love and connection between the parents and children.

And after all this, all I can say is that Greg started telling us when he needs to wee and most of the time holding it long enough to go to the potty or training seat.  In fact today while at the library he told me such and at first I feared he peed himself but he hadn't so we rushed out to the bathrooms and I had a happy, proud boy by my side!  I actually felt bad I doubted my son for that split second.

So the nos have dwindled to near zero and the actual going and making is happening all the time.  Pooing is still a problem but if a month made such a difference I have no worries at all.  I still congratulate him whenever he uses the potty or seat and encourage him and remind him to let me know if he needs to go but most of the time he asks himself and that is a great achievement.

Potty Forayes

I dreaded potty training from the day my son was born!

Some of the biggest issues hubs and I had concerned it.  So you can imagine that as the time got near I wasn't looking forward to it.  I read anything I could get my hands on, talked to other women who has gone through it, as well as attended a workshop.  However, my fear (?) of this milestone could not be dissipated.

In the end nature and instinct guided me to the best place to be- a spectator.  Yes my friends I decided to simply be a spectator that cheers and encourages and at times gives a few pushes.  So what all this ends up to?  Gregory has a potty and toilet training seat at his disposal which he can use anytime.  There are those rare moments where he asks to use it and those rarer moments where he simply goes on his own to do his business.  Most commonly I leave him running around free and when I see signs of him needing to wee or poo I tell him- looks like you need a wee come lets go to the potty/toilet.  It is occuring more often that he comes willingly and tries -though most of the time he doesn't manage to do anything.  Other times he calls a simple NO!! and that is it.

There are moments where I tell him that he has to put the nappy on if he doesn't wish to use the said potty and he complies other moments its a struggle.  Many a day he simply asks for the nappy and doesn't want to part with it even when soiled.  And so it goes, me cheering when he tries or actually does it and telling everyone else I see to cheer him on.  Sometimes giving him little pushes and reminders but mainly I just let him be.  Giving him the space and time he needs to feel confident enough to take the plunge.

It is quite a dance I tell you but I am not regretting it.  My hubs tried bribing him with toys etc but it didn't really work -it is one of the main ways it seems they get kids to use the potty bribing them with sweets, toys etc- however I admit that when we did that it didn't feel right.  After all this should come naturally to our kids right?  So where does this leave me.......it might take the whole of Summer and Winter and in the end I might need to do some real pushing to get there (especially if he is to start Kindergarten come February) but letting him choose which way he wants to go is reaping a lot of benefits.  I can see the struggle- the wish to use a toilet, yet the fear of what this would imply in his world.  I can see his swaying and so I just smile and encourage him and it is working a treat because since this started (a month ago) we have more yeses than nos and that is a big step forward :)

Nurturing the home

Young children and toddlers need to be at home.

At home we can take life slowly, nurture them and teach them.  So even if I plan activities for most mornings I make sure we are home in the afternoon.  Sometimes, We'd have something planned and I would be looking forward to it (like a visit to my parents and grandmother) but my son tells me he wants to stay home.  And I do!  It is hard to take his lead at times and sometimes we can't of course but whenever possible even if it is against my deepest wishes I do because he knows what he needs.

If we really look carefully at our home, we can expand our love to it and our family by simple movements. 

• Instead of cleaning in a single day spread it over the week so your child can help out - this is something I am starting myself just now.  It will teach responsibility, love and care
• When cooking get them to help in peeling, washing, setting up the table.  This to will teach them on love and responsibility as well as helping each other.
• Folding the laundry can be done with the kids helping putting them away- later you might need to go around again and fold again but your child is happy, you are telling him that you believe in him and nurturing confidence.
• When shopping let them help putting things in the trolley, bags and at home put them out of bags and/or correct shelving

Young children need not simply know how to clear up their toys, they can help in every aspect of the house EVEN if they do not do it properly and later when the child is doing something else you do it yourself correctly.  Children do enjoy helping out and learning from the home is a blissful experience to them and you!