What is me and what was me

At 16 I wanted to work in tourism as guide to be exact.  The course was not available so I took second best according to me- travel agency.  I loved travelling- still do- so I felt this to be perfect.  I believed this work will be forever.  Between 16 and 25 years of age, I was making sure my dreams became reality.

In fact by the time I had my first child at 28, I had travelled to the exotic places I had dreamed of, got married and my unfulfilled dream so far was the house.  It was not home and it was not my dream house.

Yet I still felt a void inside me, I didn't enjoy my holidays or my marriage day.  It felt too ordinary some how.

But then I had my first.  Up to the first half of my pregnancy I knew I'd continue working and leave my child with a babysitter as soon as maternity is over.  I bought a pushchair and a crib - proud of having them in the house and looking forward to using them.  I never gave a second glance to bottle feeding or parenting.  The norm was my ideal.

And yet something never felt right so I searched and searched and by the time I was due I had already started the changes: I wanted to breastfeed as I was meant to do, wear my baby, practice natural parenting/positive discipline and birth at home.  The more I read te more my heart sang true to these ideals.  And once my little one was born I knew my job had to be in the birth/parenting sector and I quit my job.

Today I am 34, I have 3 children, I want to home school because that feels right for my family at the moment.  I am working in the birth/parenting sector and loving it.  I still have a dream home in my mind but ours is home.  Travelling is not important any more except for my journeys into motherhood.  The friends I always felt elusive are finally real friends who understand me and help me through without judgement.  I do not really entertain except my kids.  I am quite changed.

 Looking back, there are a lot of things which never crossed my mind before- LOTS!

But I wouldn't have it any other way.  My heart sings with joy when my kids are home.  Just a while ago my little ones were going to visit grandma, I looked at the mess surrounding me and felt at peace. I have a family. I am in love.

I continue 'changing' - because I realise this is what I always was.  Yet society had tried to suppress me and I am finally finding myself again.  So many things are falling into place and becoming an aha! moment.

This is my life and I wouldn't have it any other way!

The story of Benjamin Luca

Being a mother for the third time does not make much difference.  You will still be a new mother, navigating new hurdles, learning new things.

It is so amazing really.

Benjamin Luca is different in so many ways.  The choice of names given by the children themselves.

My own choice is still quite apt- Malachi meaning my messenger and my angel.

Starting with pregnancy, I was the most stable hormonally, I ate reasonably and a combination of healthy/unhealthy alternatives, I tired easily and felt nauseous for the first time ever.  I learnt to listen more to my body and my instinct.  I learnt that I can do things I do not normally approve of because later I will still have the opportunity to reset it all. I learnt how good it is to communicate and how it is now helping us move more harmoniously as a family.

Birth....it was wonderful as I practically ticked off all on my wish list for the birth.  That is no interventions what so ever.  A lovely midwife to assist. A husband I could count on. And best of all I caught my own baby.  Yet emotionally I had to give my all.  My projected fears intensified after the last hospital appt and I could not shake them off- which made this birth my longest.  The contractions were harder than any of the others and I had to use strength which I never needed before and my projection of breathing the baby out rather than pushing him made laughing stock of me as I had to push incredibly hard to truly bring him earth side.  The intensity of it made me feel like a caged animal at times- not sure how or where to go.  I could not find a position for the longest time ever and in the end stayed mostly on all fours.  While I still believe I had a lovely birth, I now understand more the mother who says it was horrible and painful and wouldn't do it again or would take all the drugs available.  There in that moment I could see why so many mothers tell horror stories and project unknowingly further fears to other mothers to be.  Yet, it was not pain, it was growing pains because I was growing and learning and he is my messenger in all of this.  It was lovely in every sense and I wouldn't trade it differently.  Yet my heart still aches for what I felt was meant to be and what actually meant to be.  I was also afraid I wouldn't get through it.  I was so hungry, yet when I tried to snack I got so nauseous I could not dream of trying again.  So with waning strength I knew I had to birth him now and I pushed like I never pushed before and with a strength I found I caught him without any assistance and that was the most magical experience.  Suddenly I could collapse in my husband's arms and cradle my baby boy whom I waited for so long.

Even the placenta which normally births on its own in my case, I needed to give it a helpful couple of pushes.  The tree of life was thick and big and amazing.

The day after birth - I discharged myself because my other babies where longing to see me and their baby brother.  I also found no use in staying there doing nothing - at least I could do nothing in my own home.  I felt weak (still hadn't managed to eat) and so tired I admit I could have used a wheelchair to get out of there.  And today I am clear and focused.  I do not feel tired but I am still weak and tiring quickly.  Also all those muscles I used for birthing this little man are claiming there place in protesting on over usage.

And to add to the learning curve, I am experiencing sore nipples.  Ironic being a breastfeeding counsellor! Yet it's another tool for me to use in my work.

I still feel sad and in need of processing what happened and why this particular sadness for being so different from what I anticipated.  Yet I still claim this was the most amazing experience and that the real regret is not negotiating for a photographer to be present.

The Doctor forgot he has a client and human being by his side

The anger and upset still bubbles under the surface.

I try to formulate a complaint but the words that come to mind would only rate me as an insane woman probably.

The tension I am feeling is of big consequence for my own well-being and my child's.

I was expecting more or less what happened.  I was not expecting how it was happening.  It was more then unethical to me.

My only regret?  I did not get up from that couch, opened the door and made a scene for all the people waiting in ante-natal to hear and see.

I am still thinking in anger while hearing that I should let go of fear.  A fear that since the birth of Maya it seems to have intensified and the reality of it become even more so.

I decide to wait, wait till the embers cool down, but by no means this is going to be let go.

I was treated as a transaction, like I was not there, as if I did not matter, as if my thoughts did not matter, as if they did not need MY CONSENT for anything, as if I NEEDED to be managed.  He was just closing another chapter with another pregnant woman.  I wonder how many have gone this path with him, how many more will.

I will not rest.  While I was well aware of all this, I experienced it so dimly with my previous births that my commitment probably wasn't complete.  With this, I am irrevocably committed and the war has been waged.

I still shake with tears, I still need to come to terms with it.

I've been told many times that doctors have studied for this and I need to trust them, but the more time pass the less I trust them and unless they start proving otherwise I will not be trusting one very soon.

So utterly disappointed.

Tough February

It gets tough at times.

Being 34 weeks pregnant, a ton of work, the house, the family........

My body and mind and every bit of my being is telling me to let it all go and breathe.

I am telling it to wait till the end of the month.

The truth is that I can't really wait that long.  I am exhausted and the whole family is having repercussions.

So in the midst of all this chaos I am starting to create space because even if I did not want to my mind is not co-operating and I find myself blank of what I need to do.

This should be the last week were I have something everyday.  As of next week I will have to keep a less busy schedule because my family including the coming baby is worth more than any work I am doing right now.  So maybe I am leaving it all at the worse possible moment but then I wonder when there is a good moment at all!

Today I am grateful: that I cooked a nice meal
that I cleaned the whole house
that my body sustained these rigours till I actually needed to do so
that I am now sitting in bed resting
that I yelled today, because it reminded me that I am taking on too much and my family needs me sane
that I am reading something for me not work related
that I am finding lots of support around me in every aspect of life
that despite my insecurities I am pushing through with my instinct most of the time
that life is sweeter than I anticipated

It's time to start sewing

A lot of shifts have been happening within.

I am emotionally and physically tired.

I still need to grasp exactly the many details that are raging through my head.

I am completely at a loss from where to start.

The threads in my hand are multiplying quickly and sometimes I am not able to handle them all.  I am still learning how to sew them together, how to mend.

It is exciting and frightening.  Interesting, mind boggling and infinitely fed up of holding it all and juggling it all.

A steep learning curve on many, so many fronts!

It gives me a boost of hope.

It allows me to continue my journey, see the true me emerge from the ashes.  Building up my strengths where weaknesses resist.

The infinite grandness of the universe who support me and give me the tools and people in my life that help me achieve it all is awesome.

I am blessed.

Christmas is in the air

This year I feel like I am late with my preperations but then I realised most of the stuff is done from last year so there are only a few tweaks that needs to be arranged and now I can say I am ready and happy.

Here is how our Advent and Christmas will look like and these are the books we will be reading more or less daily.

26 November do an Advent wreath with the kids to start lighting 30^th Nov

Advent activities

 Mon - Put on the decorations

 Tues - Start contructing the crib

Wed - Finish off the crib

  Thurs - Put in the statues of the crib

 Fri - Take a family photo

 Sat - Celebrate St Nick by reading story, poem, activities: gift giving to crèche a big nice stocking; as well as do the Christmas grass

 Sun - See film – Home Alone + light second candle

 Mon - Celebrate the Immaculate Conception by reading story, drawing, explaining that God always had us on his mind even before birth, activity: do a small present for the grandparents because we have them our minds

 Tues – Visit the toy shops for gift ideas

 Wed – Do Christmas cards for teachers /family

 Thurs - Buy food for the needy & give it to parish priest to pass it on

 Fri - Celebrate St Lucia by reading story, drawing & doing St Lucia buns

 Sat - Go to Valletta enjoy the Christmas lights, train ride & dinner together + visit Christmas fair in Phoenicia till 6 pm

 Sun - Visit crib in Zejtun + light third candle

 Mon - See film- The Polar Express

 Tues - Send money to a charity

 Wed – Bake Christmas pudding together

 Thurs – Leave a small gift to our rubbish picker

 Fri - Do Advent Kindness Tree

 Sat -  Go to Gozo visit live crib in Ghajnsielem (4.30 pm)

 Sun – Sing Christmas Carols together + light last candle

 Mon - Write a letter to Jesus and burn it

 Tues - Write a family letter and affix it in the living room

  Wed - Put baby Jesus in the crib

12 days of Christmas activities

 Sun - Christmas day Mass and spend with family

 Mon - St Stephen day celebrate by reading story, drawing

  Tues – see the film curious George a very monkey Christtmas

 Wed - Read the poem 12 days of Christmas and explain meaning

 Thurs - Go to the aquarium

 Fri -  invite a few mummies & kiddies for tea

 Sat - Do Qaghaq tal-ghasel

 Sun – New Year Day family time

 Mon - Feast of Mary Mother of God read story of St Mary, activity: do a rosary (http://www.ehow.com/how_4856821_make-rosary-kids.html)

 Tues - Go to Buskett for a picnic

 Wed – Do candles (http://www.kidspot.com.au)

 Thurs – story of Epiphany; end of Christmas season we take down decorations

Living in the real world

Life is unexpected.

We get used to our routine and suddenly life changes our whole world.  It is scary most of the time.  Often interlinked with sadness and anger.

But I have been learning that everything happens for a reason.  Every encounter is there to help me grow. Every little thing whether welcomed or not is there to help me reach my full potential - find my true self.

And I am in a point in my life with many wonderful people who are helping me in more ways then they will probably ever know.

I am also at a point of my life where my world just went topsy turvy. A tiny speck but which can change a lot of outcomes in my very near future.  A lesson in letting go, facing fears and accepting what I can not change.  A lesson in making sure I do not let my stress out on the children and a lesson in remembering that it is useless to stress about something I can not change.

The things I have been struggling on in parenting came all tumbling down on me with no way out except moving on and making sure I finally get there.  It is amazing this life of ours.

So right now I thank my support system - those that one can see but also those that I believe are of the spiritual world.  In spite of my fears right now I can feel their cloak of love covering me and beckoning me.  It is really an opportunity for me to grow some more :) and I thank God, life who is giving me this opportunity even if some what I bit blunt.

Of diamonds and friends

This post is dedicated to that woman who has come in my life recently and has helped me in more ways than I care mention.

Friends are like diamonds they say precious and difficult to find.  I can not agree more!

For as long as I remember, I never really had a friend, a best friend that is, with whom to share all my difficulties and joys. A friend who listens without judging or trying to help even when clearly you can't.

My first awareness of this lack was in secondary school where I was part of a group but not really with them.  It acutely felt terrible knowing none of those girls can be called friends in that intimate sense.  When later after 10 years or so we had a reunion, I realised how little I had known of my own isolation... it hurt even though so many years had passed.

I tried to find that special friends for many years, but I got to mistrust people to the point that I always kept back a lot and so my trying wasn't good enough since I myself kept everyone at a distance.

Kids change you!  I have a special cousin who fills this gap nowadays.  Recently though I have been blessed with another such wonderful soul.  It was unlikely we'd ever be friends or anything at first glance; but family matters and work brought us together and I would never change this for anything in the world.  She listens in silence if there is nothing else she can offer, she guides me in difficult times, she helps when I feel overwhelmed.

I want to thank you for being such a wonderful friend to me.  My burden is not as heavy since you appeared in my life.  I look forward to meet up or chat online.  We laugh and cry and it feels really good.

May your life be blessed with lots of love, peace and joy.

Some cake will do just fine

I feel like cake.  Nice chocolate cake.

Right now, my body is tired.  Every part of me is screaming for some time alone to meditate, to nurture, to love myself.

I still got 2 weeks before both kids are in school, so that is not quite an option.  And damn am I finding it difficult to be present to my kids.  My kids who right now really really need me as school approaches and the anxiety is settling in.

I am irritable, short tempered and scary to myself so even more so to my little babes.

Today Greg's anger reached the point of no return and I let him scream and rage and cry.  He needed it.  And when that happened I found myself again.  The mother I am meant to be: calm and loving and understanding.

Tomorrow is a new day and my body will still be tired and pining away for my me time.  I am dreaming of retreating with yoga, chants, healthy food, massage and possibly even a good laugh with friends.  But tomorrow I will do my utmost to push it all on the back burner for a while longer.  Because I want my kids to go to school relaxed and happy and care free.

So tomorrow I will wake up and think of love filling every crevice of this house till it shines and outshines the rest of our village.  It will overflow and we will be happy and my kids will once more know they can start relax again, their mummy is back.

Changing winds

The days are rolling in.  Summer is coming to an end.

So many things to plan and do.  So many updates need to be made.  So many projects need to be finished.

It is all kinda overwhelming and exciting. For a change I am looking forward to kids returning to school.  To be able and meet up with the fabulous ladies that are pushing me, helping me and changing me to reach my full potential in my work.

This coming year will have a lot of newness in it.

Taking school outdoors

We've been doing some exploring in school.  So we did some night hikes with the dad and enjoyed it so much we are doing them on a daily basis.(or maybe we can call them sunset hikes really as mostly are done before the sun completely sets).

the super full moon a few days ago

Today we also went to explore in Buskett, together with some new friends.  It was mighty fun and we have seen a lot of interesting stuff.

Cyclic changes

My journey has changed me considerably from the one I have been as a teen and young adult.

Motherhood of course played a major role in this.

Meeting some amazing people in the last 4 years though has really helped me to push when I felt that I had been stuck in mud.

These people not only helped me move forward in my spiritual life and the way I view life in general but has truly helped me see things I never saw before, thought of before - things that seemed regular, normal and were not.

That being said, I always danced to my own tune really, so somehow realising that I am actually a normal girl following my instincts rather than the cultural norm and that while it seems that I am alone in this, I am not, felt liberating.  It taught me so much more about me and about our life, how we view it and how we make it look to our children.

I guess the biggest eye openers have been about dilapidating, menstruation and sex among many other things.  The way women are viewed and what is expected of them and especially how this effects us all.

I have realised how damaging most of all this is to us women and how I can make sure my daughter learns otherwise despite moving against the current.  Because she is worth much more than that and so am I

Summer Days

Apart for beaching alone or with family and friends most days, we have also been doing some fun schooling.  I admit I am enjoying schooling so much more this year that I am forgetting the camera to memorise that moment.  But here are some of the things we've been doing.

We updated our nature table to picture Summer in all its glory (the painting was done by Greg at school)

Here you can see a variety free drawing and form drawing and the things they love

Form drawing is something we do everyday. I draw something and they have to try and copy it.  More geared towards Gregory but Maya ain't doing a bad job of it either

Free and sensory painting is another thing we do often.  This is paint and sand and Greg's interpretation of fireworks

This week we were doing our 5 senses.  Apart for these sheets we did a lot of feel, taste, hear, smell and see experiments

We also role play a bit and today was at the restaurant.  We took it in turns to be waiter, chef and customer.  The above are Maya's idea of a pizza and Greg's idea of a pizza - can you see how particularly perfect it is?

We also learn through fun P.E.  Last week we had masking tape in straight, zigzag, wavy lines for the kids to walk on forwards and backwards.  This week we had the ribbon sticks which we used to learn more on curves and circles and waves.

Gregory is also learning to read and write a little and next month we will also introduce maths.  As part of the curriculum there is bed making for the little man and dusting, cleaning bathrooms, cleaning and feeding the birds as well as watering the plants for both.  I hoped they would also be more involved in the cooking but they are not interested so had to let go of that.  Please note that the kids are still 5 and 3 so for the chores I am present at all times, helping them, directing them and reminding them to do them.

Moments of Gozo

Gozo is where we can truly enjoy family time and have long lovely walks in unspoilt countryside.

The kids practising ballet dancing on the rocks

Gregory wanted to take pics.  This is his photo 

We went on top of straw bales to check out the view...but really they just wanted to try it as a slide and it seems it was great fun!

I rare moment taken - As nowadays my big boy doesn't like me to take him in photos unless its rear facing!

Megalith filled field

running, exploring, enjoying and oops we forgot the sunscreen today.

lovely flora in Wied Mielah- this is Widnet il Bahar

more photo taking by Greg - at least he took a pic of his own shadow :)

darling hubby got a bit sunburnt

we found lots and lots of sea shell fossils

rock pool near the ....

Wied Mielah window - spectacular.  It was awesome and the path leading towards it just as much

open expanses

beautiful horizons - Gurdan Lighthouse

Cheeky Maya caring for baby Betty

The time in between Summer and Winter schedules

I feel encumbered by school right now.

Having only half days, I hardly accomplish anything at home before it is time for the kids to get back.  The little ones on the other hand are tired due to heat and hungry.  By the time I get them to nap time we are all frazzled up and no one is in a good mood.

Once they are awake again we are all still too stoned to feel like doing much which is counter productive as our energy remains inside and closed and angry.

I am so, so ready for Summer holidays to begin!

My proudest moment in the yell-free challenge

I am quite overdue for an update on my yell-free challenge.  Well it is not yell-free so far.  Actually I yell once a day most of the time.  Still once a day is not bad considering before and my yelling is less angry and terrifying than before.

In these 4 months I have learnt a lot and I have found a lot of inner wisdom that had been dormant.  I have learnt to question myself before reacting and that is all quite amazing in such a short time. I have found love and support online and I am also seeing the beauty of it through my kids and that is my proudest moment.

I have learnt that my main triggers for anger are:

1. tiredness - my BIGGEST trigger
2. thinking of doing something and not managing due to kids wanting my attention
3. fear
4. stress

I am caring more for myself to eliminate being tired and so my biggest trigger of all.  But it is not quite easy to do so.  However I have found a lot of ways to help me and especially informing my kids that I am feeling tired right now and my patience is low and to please bear with me.

Finding ways and learning how my kids react to certain situations has helped me to be creative in diffusing anger and fights by tickling, running after them, being funny and exaggerating a problem.  If my child is insisting on a behaviour I calming but firmly look in the eye and say that this is not acceptable.

And there are a lot of other things really but I would never end this post if I list them all :)

But my proudest moment as I said is seeing my kids reacting to positive discipline and I cannot not mention these!

My son who has been resisting the change (and has the most baggage) has made leaps and bounds and so when he starts getting angry he tries to diffuse the anger in him by moving around and taking deep breaths.  When he sees me getting angry he finds ways to make me smile again and diffuse my own anger.  He is expressing his feelings that little bit more (even if always the negative so far).

Both kids are being more obedient and loving and caring and its lovely hearing them interact between them, trying to compromise, making up and sharing.

Maya still refuses to clean up and when she is in a mood she would not let me talk to her, touch her or do anything so trying to find out another way of helping her process these feelings that come up.  When Greg on the other hand sees to be more black than ever I schedule a meltdown for him and he is happier and more relaxed after.  I still tend to go towards threatening at times but it is getting better as well.

I see the many small victories I did or rather we did and can't help but feel a deep gratitude for the yell-free challenge group, orange rhino and also the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids who made this journey finally a reality after 4 years of struggles.

I see these victories and am excited to see how it will evolve in another 4 months and if by than I will truly be yell-free.

Crunchy mama

Yesterday a friend commented to me that I am moving towards becoming a vegan.  At the time I said that not really.  Yet this morning this comment came looming in my thoughts and with it a lot of other thoughts.

The truth is that I am not actively working myself towards vegan-ism but my body is of its own accord.  I do not know actually if I will ever become vegan; yet I see it as a real possibility.  Since becoming pregnant for the first time, I have started consuming less and less meat.  Nothing was planned at all, but the more spiritual I live my life, the less need I find for meat.

Now this is new even to me because it is only now that I have made the connection.  But again as I have said in a previous post, everything is interwoven and once the ball starts rolling it does not make sense for you to stop and so I find myself different.

Different in so many ways but also truer to the me I have always been.  I can be awkward with family and friends because my earthly connections have become severed and while I might love buying dresses and new furniture or watching movies, I am not interested in them.  It is a tad difficult to explain but this is me and I am as plain as I can be.

I am becoming crunchier by the day and it tickles me.  My only regret would be if the people around me will not accept crunchy me.

Reflection

Something clicked.

It was a low beautiful sound that I actually hardly heard.

And than I looked backwards and forwards and sideways either way and saw that little link I felt was missing and which is now helping me start weaving my threads.

Today it's been a beautiful morning.  I felt energized and more loving than usual (for which I am ever so thankful).  I was firm and gentle with the kids and when they left for school, I flew home on butterfly wings because I knew my time had finally come.

After many weeks of knowing my needs but somehow not finding the time to indulge in them, today it was my day.  I sighed with relief when I closed the door and smiled with anticipation.

Because today I did yoga and meditated - a lot! I could string together the many pieces of information I have been accumulating in the past few weeks and I could clearly see my destination, my current position and the way I had to go.

Today, I am proud to say that I am a practising Roman Catholic and a pagan to!  Because God created the universe but Mother Earth nurtures it.  I saw why I can never be vegan but how to eat more sustainably - because meat was meant for special occasions not for every day use.  I saw how my cycle effects every aspect of my being not just when its the time of the month but every single day.  I saw that I should be celebrating the beauty of womanhood not hiding it.  That I am to be more aware of my cycles if I want to be an effective mother and wife and woman.

Today was my day and my soul is soaring to heights I had forgotten.  My heart has expanded so much that it is hurting.  My life is beautiful and I am thankful.

Gender indoctrinization

Today I was pissed.

I am fed up of gender related stuff. So if you are blessed with a boy you not only have less choice of things to buy him but things that he would love you do not even find them in a boy version.

Today we went to buy a big bike for Maya. When we bought Greg his, you had a normal bike either with cartoon character or not and that is all (and still is).  But Maya's bike is full of accessories. You get a front basket, you get a back basket as well or a car seat attached for the dolls.  the handles can have glittery papers attached to them and the bell is in the form of a bear.  What the f***!  Oh and they are ALL like this whether they are cartoon character or not.

Obviously, Greg wasn't happy because he loves these things to and neither was I because I know he'd love them.  So I asked if they get them separate and surprise surprise no only for girls they do.  Now I tend to play it down because I know of the human shortcomings but really? and they say that we should (or are ) living in equal rights world.  Are we joking? (Apart for the fact that it can never happen).  If we live in an equal rights world this would never happen!

So you go to buy clothes and you either find blue or black or grey.  Sometimes you get green but really I never really found other colours for boys' clothes.  Girls of course get all shades of pink and purple plus most of the other colours.  You go buy shoes again boys' are black, blue, white all dull.  Girls you get them with flowers, glittery, with hearts and many colours.

Does everyone REALLY think that boys don't like colours? don't like glittery stuff or heart and flowers?

And lets not get started on toys were you get anything house related in pink even though boys LOVE to play with them.  Or you get ads saying specifically that these are boys toys.....because girls do not like to play with cars and trains or dinos?

And than we are amazed how children grow up so racial and judgemental!

Please give me a break there are NO toys that are for girls or boys its just that girls tend to play more home than boys and boys tend to play more with cars (and I believe its anyway to do with our stereotyping).  When boys grow up they will be dads and dads need to know how to safely strap a child onto their bicycle to or clean the house or cook and girls will grow up to drive cars and trains and planes and become palaeontologists.

Any why do I have to feel embarrassed if my son wants to put on some lovely red ballerina pumps? or hair clips in his hair? or a dress or a skirt?  Just because the rest of the world does no think he should do it!  Know that whenever some such happened I fought my own ingrained bad habit of no you are not a girl and let him do so and if it will happen I will do it again!

I might be weird but my son is not.  He is just a kid exploring and experimenting and wanting beautiful stuff just like girls get and it breaks my heart whenever I have to tell him that sorry they do not do them for boys.

Rant over.

Saying no to yelling and aggressiveness

I dedicated 2014 to love more and yell less.  In fact at home I also put up posters around the house to remind myself.  I started this challenge a few days before Christmas and went 4 days yell free than I succumbed and I can't seem to regain myself and today was my worse day ever to say all the truth.  I am quite sad that today I let aggressiveness take over all my good intentions with the poster seemingly mocking me from up above where it is hung.

Today I also realised I have been trying to change my diet but somehow not doing it albeit all the signs.  And it clicked to me that while we didn't really eat too much during Christmas, we did eat a lot of meat and sugar and THAT is the biggest culprit in my kids seeming over stimulated and me not able to keep my calm.  Maybe just maybe I am bonkers thinking this but I am pretty sure of myself on this!  I look truly forward to go back to our routines come Monday.

Upon reflection, while I will still aim to love more and yell less this year, my intention, my purpose, my dedication should probably be different. Only I need to sit on it a bit more to see if this is so or if I am to stick to my original thinking.