let Summer begin

We are counting the days till Summer holidays here.

We are learning new ways how to interact and love and learn so the excitment of 3 full months practice together is impossible to contain.

My weaving is finally forming a pattern; and everytime a little bit is added, it looks amazing.

Then I get my moments of impatience and I practically rip it all up.  But the pattern is growing slowly and I can't wait to see its full glory in a few years' time.

Each learning curve, each moment I am using new tools to get me to my destination.  I will never see a clear path, because life is full of wonderful surprises leading us to expand even more.

I am afraid, ecstatic, at peace, unsure......but I am loving the process with its infuriating slowness.

This is how it is meant to be and my little Benajmin is there to remind me to take it slow because in its slowness, things are changing quickly.  In this continuum change I am savouring the moments that slip by a blink of an eye.

This Summer is going to be a wonderful experience of changed love, of joy, of friendships and family.

These 12 days is what remains between now and then.

Some cake will do just fine

I feel like cake.  Nice chocolate cake.

Right now, my body is tired.  Every part of me is screaming for some time alone to meditate, to nurture, to love myself.

I still got 2 weeks before both kids are in school, so that is not quite an option.  And damn am I finding it difficult to be present to my kids.  My kids who right now really really need me as school approaches and the anxiety is settling in.

I am irritable, short tempered and scary to myself so even more so to my little babes.

Today Greg's anger reached the point of no return and I let him scream and rage and cry.  He needed it.  And when that happened I found myself again.  The mother I am meant to be: calm and loving and understanding.

Tomorrow is a new day and my body will still be tired and pining away for my me time.  I am dreaming of retreating with yoga, chants, healthy food, massage and possibly even a good laugh with friends.  But tomorrow I will do my utmost to push it all on the back burner for a while longer.  Because I want my kids to go to school relaxed and happy and care free.

So tomorrow I will wake up and think of love filling every crevice of this house till it shines and outshines the rest of our village.  It will overflow and we will be happy and my kids will once more know they can start relax again, their mummy is back.

My proudest moment in the yell-free challenge

I am quite overdue for an update on my yell-free challenge.  Well it is not yell-free so far.  Actually I yell once a day most of the time.  Still once a day is not bad considering before and my yelling is less angry and terrifying than before.

In these 4 months I have learnt a lot and I have found a lot of inner wisdom that had been dormant.  I have learnt to question myself before reacting and that is all quite amazing in such a short time. I have found love and support online and I am also seeing the beauty of it through my kids and that is my proudest moment.

I have learnt that my main triggers for anger are:

1. tiredness - my BIGGEST trigger
2. thinking of doing something and not managing due to kids wanting my attention
3. fear
4. stress

I am caring more for myself to eliminate being tired and so my biggest trigger of all.  But it is not quite easy to do so.  However I have found a lot of ways to help me and especially informing my kids that I am feeling tired right now and my patience is low and to please bear with me.

Finding ways and learning how my kids react to certain situations has helped me to be creative in diffusing anger and fights by tickling, running after them, being funny and exaggerating a problem.  If my child is insisting on a behaviour I calming but firmly look in the eye and say that this is not acceptable.

And there are a lot of other things really but I would never end this post if I list them all :)

But my proudest moment as I said is seeing my kids reacting to positive discipline and I cannot not mention these!

My son who has been resisting the change (and has the most baggage) has made leaps and bounds and so when he starts getting angry he tries to diffuse the anger in him by moving around and taking deep breaths.  When he sees me getting angry he finds ways to make me smile again and diffuse my own anger.  He is expressing his feelings that little bit more (even if always the negative so far).

Both kids are being more obedient and loving and caring and its lovely hearing them interact between them, trying to compromise, making up and sharing.

Maya still refuses to clean up and when she is in a mood she would not let me talk to her, touch her or do anything so trying to find out another way of helping her process these feelings that come up.  When Greg on the other hand sees to be more black than ever I schedule a meltdown for him and he is happier and more relaxed after.  I still tend to go towards threatening at times but it is getting better as well.

I see the many small victories I did or rather we did and can't help but feel a deep gratitude for the yell-free challenge group, orange rhino and also the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids who made this journey finally a reality after 4 years of struggles.

I see these victories and am excited to see how it will evolve in another 4 months and if by than I will truly be yell-free.

Saying no to yelling and aggressiveness

I dedicated 2014 to love more and yell less.  In fact at home I also put up posters around the house to remind myself.  I started this challenge a few days before Christmas and went 4 days yell free than I succumbed and I can't seem to regain myself and today was my worse day ever to say all the truth.  I am quite sad that today I let aggressiveness take over all my good intentions with the poster seemingly mocking me from up above where it is hung.

Today I also realised I have been trying to change my diet but somehow not doing it albeit all the signs.  And it clicked to me that while we didn't really eat too much during Christmas, we did eat a lot of meat and sugar and THAT is the biggest culprit in my kids seeming over stimulated and me not able to keep my calm.  Maybe just maybe I am bonkers thinking this but I am pretty sure of myself on this!  I look truly forward to go back to our routines come Monday.

Upon reflection, while I will still aim to love more and yell less this year, my intention, my purpose, my dedication should probably be different. Only I need to sit on it a bit more to see if this is so or if I am to stick to my original thinking.

So Many things

This morning I woke up feeling like a truck had run over me and thinking I. AM. SO. DONE. WITH. SUMMER!!

Seriously, I have enjoyed a full month with both kids at home but now half way through Summer with the August heat on everyone was getting whiny and I was frazzled and tired all the time.

Than 3 things happened that gave me a boost of so much needed energy....

1. the weather went from super hot to cold wind and cloudy and while I do not like the dust that is managing to come inside my home, I welcomed the change with open arms and the feeling that Autumn is near hugged my heart and my senses.
2. A friend posted a quote from Mother Theresa stating that the Lord never gives us more than we can handle but I wish he didn't trust me so much and felt like this is so true at this moment in time in my life
3. I received confirmation that I am now officially a breastfeeding counsellor

All those helped me focus more and a few minutes ago while the kids were falling down to sleep it occurred to me that while it was being a tad more difficult right now to parent them, I was controlling myself more.  I was seeing when I was going to loose it and change the situation in a way that we all end up laughing.

And that quote from earlier made more sense and it brought me much more joy and I felt relieved because finally I was showing and teaching my kids how to go about controlling their feelings :)

July

It's been a long month this.  One to erase from my memory.

In the midst of excitement having Gregory back home and starting some home schooling fun together, we got some lovely insects to entertain us.  According to all doctors & specialists they were bed bugs.  We have never seen the buggers so I will just leave it at that....  However 3 weeks later we are 5 days bites free.

To enjoy our victory, Gregory got some gastric flu.  And of course having a 2.5 year old in the house makes for some added spice to the mix of tantrums, not knowing what we want, wanting it our way and no other way etc.

I have to say I am fed up.  I am done.  I just want to close my eyes and sleep for an eternity.

Yet it is sweet memories of all these adventures.

Thankfulness for having a house and mattresses where to sleep and the means to clean them and our house to get rid of the bugs.

Thankfulness that my girl shows so much independence and fierce tenacity for what she wants.

Thankfulness and awesomeness that my 4.5 year old DOES realise when he is feeling sick, nauseous and also when runny stools are threatening and runs to the bathroom without enlisting my help.

Thankfulness and pride that throughout all this madness I have shouted, hit or been a less than desirable parent for only 10 out of 26 days.

My Summery challenge

So you know by now I tend to get angry at my kids (like any other mum) but if I loose it I tend to shout like a demented!

This Summer starting as of today (as I had forgotten my own challenge!) I decided to challenge myself not to shout or even hit (yes you read right- I sometimes do it sorry) my kids and of course if I manage to keep it up for at least most of Summer than that means I am capable of doing it all year right?

Truth is I know I am capable of it but fickle me tend to let her emotions by pass all rationale.  So this is it- I am aware of my downfall, I am aware when I am going to the place of no return and now I decided that I will simply not accept this behaviour anymore.

Its a fun challenge really because I know I growing more into the person I want my children to know and imitate and its liberating knowing I did a deadline to myself on my behaviour.

There is still 1 hour till bedtime but so far today I managed to keep my own deal and I am proud of this first day :)

10 times and no more!!

This month I made a deal with myself- to not shout at my kids more than 10 times for the whole month!

Being practically half way through, I have also shouted half my limit so far.  Being more aware of what my son is thinking helps me to check myself and challenging myself not to shout is also an assett to remain in awareness.  Taking note of when he is likely to be hungry and providing him with food and noting when he gets tired and so easily frustrated has been a big stress reducer.  Also remembering to ignore him when shouting and kicking has been of great value since he stops quickly doing thm without an audience.

Also making time alone with him and telling him how his sister tires me out with her constant attention needs, is helping him calm down more.  I can finally feel the difference in me and enjoying the change!

conquering anger

Today I won a major battle!

We had a complete meltdown at playschool triggered by tiredness and hunger (coz he refused to eat since he was tired of course).  At the same time little missy started crying and I knew it was not gonna be a five minute thing since the meltdown continued to become worse when he heard his sister knowing too well she will be conforted first.

Greg's latest fashion is to refuse to walk and I felt like dragging him all the way to the car.  However I managed to keep calm and kinda carried him and baby to the car. I didn't speak to him at all.  I put him in his carseat.  Sorted her out to and left with 2 crying kids ( and so as not to hear them I put the radio full on haha).  Home ain't far so while everyone was still crying and tantruming, I took everyone home settled myself and gave them an breast each and here we had total bliss!

Greg is sleeping now and Maya is nearly so and therefore I congratulate myself with some relax time :)  I feel extra happy at how I handled a situ where normally I freak out and get all heated up.

cooling the flames

I realise no week updates had been forthcoming on my anger management challenge but you have to excuse me- readjusting to a new baby and all that!

Anyhow, here is what's been happening..... I read a book by mistake called Anger- cooling the flames which I found very interesting and helpful.  I also found out my normal anger triggers are tiredness and loss of control and therefore no wonder I had such a big issue while pregnant as it was both combined.  Since Maya's birth, I have found a lot of my inner equilibrium once more and with some meditation and yoga and trying on being minful a lot, I am defenitely cooling the flames slowly.

I am quite pleased that if anything I am being more normal and also on the progress of recognising my anger and trying to calm it.  Now for March I am challenging myself on not loosing my cool for more than 10 times all month.  Let's see how it goes!

wish you all a great calmng week.

grace no 49 -the anger challenge

I am humbled by my son.  He shows me how the grace of God works in young children and how we as parents tend to twist it and deviate all their good intentions.

I admit I am anger prone and although my patience and my control increased drastically with the birth of Gregory, I tend to have quite a few outbursts.  This pregnancy especially stretched my limits way too much and been having more outbursts than before which bugs me a lot and yet couldn't control myself.

So while thanking God for a son who comes for reassurance even after I shout and scream like a maniac, I decided this is the year where I curb my anger once and for all.  It's been a good week things considered, however we did have a major meltdown today.  It made me feel really bad about it and I hope to be back on track tomorrow.

Also decided to put up weekly posts (I hope) about this challenge just to help me keep track and possibly for encouragement :)