The story of Benjamin Luca

Being a mother for the third time does not make much difference.  You will still be a new mother, navigating new hurdles, learning new things.

It is so amazing really.

Benjamin Luca is different in so many ways.  The choice of names given by the children themselves.

My own choice is still quite apt- Malachi meaning my messenger and my angel.

Starting with pregnancy, I was the most stable hormonally, I ate reasonably and a combination of healthy/unhealthy alternatives, I tired easily and felt nauseous for the first time ever.  I learnt to listen more to my body and my instinct.  I learnt that I can do things I do not normally approve of because later I will still have the opportunity to reset it all. I learnt how good it is to communicate and how it is now helping us move more harmoniously as a family.

Birth....it was wonderful as I practically ticked off all on my wish list for the birth.  That is no interventions what so ever.  A lovely midwife to assist. A husband I could count on. And best of all I caught my own baby.  Yet emotionally I had to give my all.  My projected fears intensified after the last hospital appt and I could not shake them off- which made this birth my longest.  The contractions were harder than any of the others and I had to use strength which I never needed before and my projection of breathing the baby out rather than pushing him made laughing stock of me as I had to push incredibly hard to truly bring him earth side.  The intensity of it made me feel like a caged animal at times- not sure how or where to go.  I could not find a position for the longest time ever and in the end stayed mostly on all fours.  While I still believe I had a lovely birth, I now understand more the mother who says it was horrible and painful and wouldn't do it again or would take all the drugs available.  There in that moment I could see why so many mothers tell horror stories and project unknowingly further fears to other mothers to be.  Yet, it was not pain, it was growing pains because I was growing and learning and he is my messenger in all of this.  It was lovely in every sense and I wouldn't trade it differently.  Yet my heart still aches for what I felt was meant to be and what actually meant to be.  I was also afraid I wouldn't get through it.  I was so hungry, yet when I tried to snack I got so nauseous I could not dream of trying again.  So with waning strength I knew I had to birth him now and I pushed like I never pushed before and with a strength I found I caught him without any assistance and that was the most magical experience.  Suddenly I could collapse in my husband's arms and cradle my baby boy whom I waited for so long.

Even the placenta which normally births on its own in my case, I needed to give it a helpful couple of pushes.  The tree of life was thick and big and amazing.

The day after birth - I discharged myself because my other babies where longing to see me and their baby brother.  I also found no use in staying there doing nothing - at least I could do nothing in my own home.  I felt weak (still hadn't managed to eat) and so tired I admit I could have used a wheelchair to get out of there.  And today I am clear and focused.  I do not feel tired but I am still weak and tiring quickly.  Also all those muscles I used for birthing this little man are claiming there place in protesting on over usage.

And to add to the learning curve, I am experiencing sore nipples.  Ironic being a breastfeeding counsellor! Yet it's another tool for me to use in my work.

I still feel sad and in need of processing what happened and why this particular sadness for being so different from what I anticipated.  Yet I still claim this was the most amazing experience and that the real regret is not negotiating for a photographer to be present.

The Doctor forgot he has a client and human being by his side

The anger and upset still bubbles under the surface.

I try to formulate a complaint but the words that come to mind would only rate me as an insane woman probably.

The tension I am feeling is of big consequence for my own well-being and my child's.

I was expecting more or less what happened.  I was not expecting how it was happening.  It was more then unethical to me.

My only regret?  I did not get up from that couch, opened the door and made a scene for all the people waiting in ante-natal to hear and see.

I am still thinking in anger while hearing that I should let go of fear.  A fear that since the birth of Maya it seems to have intensified and the reality of it become even more so.

I decide to wait, wait till the embers cool down, but by no means this is going to be let go.

I was treated as a transaction, like I was not there, as if I did not matter, as if my thoughts did not matter, as if they did not need MY CONSENT for anything, as if I NEEDED to be managed.  He was just closing another chapter with another pregnant woman.  I wonder how many have gone this path with him, how many more will.

I will not rest.  While I was well aware of all this, I experienced it so dimly with my previous births that my commitment probably wasn't complete.  With this, I am irrevocably committed and the war has been waged.

I still shake with tears, I still need to come to terms with it.

I've been told many times that doctors have studied for this and I need to trust them, but the more time pass the less I trust them and unless they start proving otherwise I will not be trusting one very soon.

So utterly disappointed.

The waiting game is on

I was never a fan of waiting, although I got a good education in learning to wait.

This time round waiting for my little one to make a move is becoming quite a challenge at times.

Sometimes I get overly anxious and I wonder if this is truly my third pregnancy or should it be my first!  Things that never crossed my mind before run around the mill getting me to over think and wonder and worry.  Then my support reminds me of things that for some reason I seem to have forgotten and am reassured.

I remember to enjoy this moment and live in the now.  But I am being picky lately on many things and the now is just too much.  I can't live now if baby is not born :)

I meditate and hear my birthing CD and take time to relax and nap and do mostly nothing.  The kids sense my retreat and leave me be most of the time even if I can see it in their eyes the longing to come near, to play......it breaks my heart but at the same time I need to separate from them for a little bit.

So in between the chaos that has taken hold of my house, I breathe and remember that my body and baby know best.  I visibly relax and wait- and live the waiting game.  IT is soon, very soon, I can feel it in every fibre of my being but the when eludes me yet.  So I breathe and let go of everything because later I will have time to keep the house and play and laugh.  Now is the time to sit still and reflect and wait.

I am snappy and withdrawn but that is OK, because I am soon to bring earthside this little baby and I am needed more to live within rather then on the outside.

I was never good at going against my nature and instinct.  So expectations are flown out of the window.  I try to keep commitments but I know I am failing miserably because my instinct tells me to forget it all and I trust my inner voice.  It's exciting and tiring and the waiting- well it gives me time to reflect on a whole lot of things which are making more sense and are helping me change more into the woman I want to be- I am already but still in its budding state.

The mother goddess is awaiting eagerly because every wait, is worth it!

The inner side of me

As I start my 3rd trimester, I internalise the heaviness of my body, the bigness it now is.

I slow down and move inward into myself as I prepare myself and my baby to birth.

We both know our roles, we both know it will be an amazing journey, we are both looking forward to actually see each other face to face.  To smell each other -  that sweet smell of mother and child just birthed and born.  To engage in our senses and let the rest of life pass us by as we drink from that unique moment of love.

I have a vision in my head, in all probability it will not all happen that way, but I'd like to think that life and God and his angels will move heaven and earth to let me experience a bit of that vision.

Our lives are once more changing and it is exciting to know we are on a wave that will take us where ever it wants for a while; until we find a footing and we will anchor our new dynamics and ideals and embrace the changes and the differences......terrifying but exciting!

Maya Abigail

Maya Abigail, born on the 14 January @ 0920 hrs

Took to the breast straight away and loves to suck at them.

Her other big hobby is sleeping and doing so preferably on mummy or daddy.

a couple of hours after birth when we were settling down in the ward

A sweet new addition to the family.

And this is grace no 50!  A wonderful healthy baby.

Another week

Yeah, Thursday next week I am meant to give birth to my new child which has been incredibly active, tiresome, achy, hungry and moody in these nine months.

Notwithstanding all this, I can't help a few questions which were never answered in my last pregnancy due to him being induced:

1. Will this babe be early by a few days, on time or late?
2. When will the contractions start- while at home in the morning, afternoon or night; while out and about or what?
3. How will we all react with calmness, nervousness, anxiety...?

Another question which isn't however part of the never answered series, is, will it be another quick birth or a long one? 

There are moments were it seems the focus on the baby is simply pushed towards me.  Something that I am trying to avoid coz at times I get the feeling the more you focus on something the less quickly it happens.  But apart for my strangeness in these equations, I am in good health.  I can't really complain as my pregnancy was plain sailing as such.  But boy, do I look forward to a lighter and skinnier me again?

I dream- I dream of being me again, of buying clothes which I am in desperate need, of being able to run, do yoga, clean the house and bake without feeling exhausted within 5 minutes.  I dream of playing with my son again the way he expects me to do and not just read stories to him or plunk him in front of the TV.

Another week is all it takes if my angel makes a move- given a message from above that its time to meet the world- another week and our lives will once more be irrevocably changed!

pre partum depression

Got a headache.

Am lethargic.

Big & slow.

3 weeks left.

Seems like a year.

Moaning when should be thankful.

Everything suspended.

Waiting...

tick, tock, tick, tock.

Waiting for the morning to pass.

Waiting for the afternoon to pass.

Sleeping till morning comes.

Redo the above process again.

This is a bad kinda "poem" and not exactly a happy one either.  It however reflects the disjointed feelings I have these days, even when thankful and enjoying the moment.  I look forward to the birth of this one- not really to meet the baby, but more to finally be able to live again.  Yes maybe I will be more tired caring for 2 and maybe my patience will be even more taut than usual and yet, I know as a certainty that life with the baby outside the womb will be much better, more fruitful, less tiring really (this chronic fatigue that no matter how much you sleep, relax and do nothing and so on can remove).

What's been happening with my kids!

I haven't updated much on Greg or my pregnancy so with these few precious quiet moments decided to finally do so.

My big baby is growing suddenly way too quickly!  Since the weekend, he started counting (and I don't mean just saying the numbers but actually count) up till 10.  It surprised me I have to say as he never seemed interested in them at all.  He can also recite the ABC's though he doesn't really match them with the actual letters and he likes help with them.  Also since this weekend, he is identifying the following colours: blue, red, brown, yellow, black & orange.  The amount of words he uses in his phrases is astounding and I must admit I lost complete count of them now.  We are at a stage were anything he eats is plain.  Plain pasta or rice mainly.  On the other hand he has tried and started eating sandwiches with cheese, eggs (in whatever form) & cookies (as long as they are plain white ones).  Enjoys plain milk or with ovaltine and is categorically refusing soups & meat and we still haven't gone back to eating fruits unless its the organix pureed variety!  He simply enjoys being read to or told stories or sung to (especially carols right now!) and plays a lot with trucks & cars but nothing much else.  Another extra we have improved on is the cooking.  Most of the time he enjoys helping me stir and throwing veggies in the pots or doing dough or cutting up veg.  He still loves helping with the cleaning (but this is very mood oriented!) and last but not least he simply adores being outside and preferably in the country or where there is soil, flowers & plants to play with!  What I am not enjoying much is having him see too much TV but I am just too heavy and most of the time got no energy to do things with him.  Besides I can't sit down comfortably or find any good position to stay in and in the end let him watch the blessed DVDs.

Character wise, he is a joy to be with (like with any child really).  However, although exploring his boundaries, I am significantly actively showing him what is acceptable and not- which is tiring in itself haha- and most of the time he accepts that authority and doesn't tantrum much.  His sleeping improved and now sleeps till 5 am most nights.  But a slight change in the nighttime routine disturbs him alot so we keep mostly to our routine.  Next month he will be 2 and although we will also have the new baby, am looking forward to see other improvements.

As for the baby I have now 5 weeks left to wait.  Compared to Greg its already way too big.  And yes I do feel that its bigger and heavier and can't wait to deliver it- I truly believe that having baby outside my body will improve a lot of things in my life right now- baby LOVES moving and does that most of the time.  Its already head down and although aware it can still turn around, I have my doubts it will.  These past two days started feeling it very low down making it more difficult to get up or sit down.  The pain has slightly increased though its still manageable.  Otherwise all is normal in our little world.  I felt for a while that baby will come early into the world and the nearer we get to the festive weeks the stronger the feeling....I wonder if it will truly happen.

Well that's all folks! Wish you all a great week.

Sick - Joyful moments

We've been sick with colds.

After a week inside, we were impatient to go outdoors and although the weather ain't good, I wrapped us well and went to the garden nearby.

Greg was estatic to say the least and seeing him jumping in the dead leaves and running from me as I threw him grass was a joy.  The simple pleasures of life!  It made me see how an uncomplaining kid I got and how important it is for him to have outside time as much as possible.

He's still waking at 4 am and although he tries, he doesn't manage to sleep and in the end gives up.  The good thing is that we have eliminated the jumping on bed, requesting snacks, tantruming etc at this hour.  Still trying to find a solution but am calm about it- after all things fall into place quite quickly.

Tomorrow, I got my next gyni appt.- 30 weeks friends. the countdown is officially on!

26 weeks - nearing the countdown

Although 30 weeks for me is the official countdown as there would only be 10 weeks left for the due date, it still feels like its a lot of weeks.  Or maybe its too little weeks...depending on the mood!

Wondering if this baby will be early or late or on time.  Wondering if I should still do my son's birthday party or if I just have to leave it open just in case (since my son was born a day after the due date of my new baby).  If I should still confirm my place at the mother & baby club for the second semester starting in January.  Quite a few questions running around my head but its only the person within me who like to have everything scheduled and in order and sorted a long way before anythng happens that is thinking of these.  Most of the time I just take it easy and simply take it day by day.  After all there is nothing else I can really do since its up to the baby.  The rest will most certainly fall in its place when the time comes.

Other than the random thoughts of nearing the end of this longish journey, the baby kicks as much as can be.  Is already head down though not engaged yet and a good size.  However, re the last bit of info I was aware of already since my weight is sky rocketing this time round!  I realise I don't actually look that big really but the fact remains I am gaining like 3 to 5 kg a month!

My major complaint remains tiredness- lots of it even when my day is very easy. 

That is all for this update folks.  Trust your week is faring as good as mine!

The gift within me

See this has been a different pregnancy is many ways.  Not only the physical changes occurred much quicker than before and not only I feel much more tired than before or feel this baby kick a lot more than Gregory ever did.

This baby has given me a gift.  I have realised how blessed I am with falling pregnant so easily.  I have seen more beauty in my emerging growing son than I might have seen had I not been pregnant.  I am much more excited about seeing this baby and can't wait to have it in my arms.  I wonder if they got the sex right and that has now increased my impatience to view my baby.

Sorting through the newborn clothes recently and making wardrobe space for them got me whimsical and at the same time terrified-look at Gregory sleeping sweetly, being able to give him all my attention.....I know my next child will be loved as much as Greg but I can't fathom how I will divide myself to them yet.  Although I plan and think, I won't really know what will happen and how this will effect us all before baby is born.

The last gift I feel this baby has given me is more patience- I wonder at myself when I see myself hold back from scolding, smacking or shouting at Gregory.  I find my patience has been growing and that is probably one of the biggest gifts of all for me!

It's a.......

.......dang I ain't gonna tell you !  See although the ultrasound technician assured me that it's defenitely a........ and deep within me I also felt the same, I have this phobia of things done prematurely and gone wrong.  So unfortunately I will keep you all in suspense for another 3 months.  I will also not dwell about it and make believe that I do not know as if there was a mistaken identity I know I will take it super badly!

Do not despair however, things are going fine I was told.  I do feel it kicking, summersaulting, backflipping and God knows what else.  I also am growing steadily and here is a pic of me at 22 weeks - though frankly I think in the pic I came looking smaller than I actually am and maybe I should take a pic of my bare tummy LOL.

My complaint of the month (or rather the whole of Summer)- tiredness!  I assure you I never felt so much tired in my whole life....granted I have a toddler to keep up with but really even if he plays alone and I am sitting nearby just watching I eventually get very tired and by 8pm I am normally asleep.  Today is a good day as you can see since I am still chatting along!!  My PSD has had a couple of days of utter discomfort but I am hoping that will be back to normal by the coming weekend.  Nothing much else to report on my pregnancy really so here is a pic of the whole family instead :

20 weeks already

Somehow, I am suddenly 20 weeks pregnant and it feels good to start the countdown. As much as I am calmer within this time round and haven't got much growth issues, I simply can't wait to have my body back and buy some nice clothes.

I have also been feeling the baby move....it has been for a long while really but they were so faint that sometimes I think I probably dreamed them. However today, well today I really felt it move!!

I also had my first hospital appointment or maybe I should rephrase that to date (7.30 t0 12.00!) - normally the hospital appt. I stay an hour to two max but this time oh boy and we had Gregory with us as we planned an outing after the hospital (which of course got cancelled!). My sweet boy was quite quiet in general and although he did ask for car (that is we leave) several times lol he was ok till the last few minutes while I was taking some blood samples and he got super tired and wanted mummy. This baby likes to move a lot more than Greg since he wouldn't even let the dr hear the heartbeat with all the movement. No special news really apart the fact that although I should (well according to the drs) be 20 weeks, the baby is the size of 18 weeks. My weight gain is exactly like my previous pregnany but my stomach is showing this time round quite well whereas last time I was 30 weeks gone the size I am showing.

My SPD is quite ok since I am doing regular yoga at home and my dear hubs cleans the house for me. I will update you again in a month when I have my next ultrasound (unless anything exciting happens before!) and I promise I will post a pic of me to!

at 12-13weeks pregnant

Today I had my ultrasound which determined exactly how old is the baby....for those who are not aware, I still breastfeed and my cycle had just started when I got pregnant again and so we weren't sure when the baby was due. That was solved as it seems baby should be born round about the new year , which is quite incredible.

This morning I was looking forward and yet terrified of the ultrasound for quite a stupid reason. In the first few weeks my tummy started showing that slight little bump quickly and than seemed to stop grow and I wondered if something was wrong. Thankfully everything looks normal and guess what- when I compared my weight gain with Greg's at 11 weeks I was 62 kg and at 12 weeks I am now 61 kg so my worry of gaining quickly was completely unfounded.

Although most professionals will probably laugh at me, I am sure I can feel the baby move sometimes and believe me during the ultrasound this baby simply didn't stop moving! he was summersaulting and kicking so much. I on the other hand am feeling quite healthy and happy and i am actually not dreading and worrying anymore about my growing tummy but actually enjoying it more for which i am soooo pleased. I am also working hard to getting a new yoga routine in place for me at home but isn't so easy to do. My only downfall is how quickly I am tiring - me needing a nap in the afternoon was never heard of and yet when Greg premits it is what I am doing!

I hope you are all enjoying the Summer- more news soon!

The black days are over

The black days as my husband refers to, seem to have passed and pregnancy is following much more normally. My bump is incredibly enough for me already showing a little and most of my clothes can't seem to fit that much. In my last pregnancy, I started having a bump round about mid August so I don't have clothes for now. In fact I need to go get me some maternity clothes and this is quite a big problem since in Malta you get like half a dozen clothes on the racks for maternity and I don't quite like the idea of buying clothes online!

I am still 2 and a half weeks off from my ultrasound to determine exactly how many weeks I am. The most I should be when I got for my ultrasound is 14 weeks but my gyni thinks I am less. I on the other hand believe I would be that much if not slightly more. I am so anxious for this day to arrive that I can't seem to focus on the present moment at times.

My main concern at the moment is the pain in my sitting bones which have me not being able to bend, climb stairs, wash the house, do lots of exersize and so on. From what I gleamed on the net its a pubic disorder where the sitting bones which start moving for when the baby needs to be born move a little bit too much. I will need to confirm more on this at my next appt. however the symptoms are all there and when I am more careful on these issues there is less pain. However for the past 2 days its has been a bit bad more than usual. Unfortunately, the only thing I can suspect is yoga which should be helping me. So I will have to be careful or avoid hip openers (though these are the most suggested for pregnancy!). I emailed a couple of weeks ago one of the yoga pregnancy gurus but unfortunately she doesn't seem to be helpful online since the only response was to attend class and when I explained I don't live in the UK had no further contact with me. It is quite a shame and I will try find some one else who might be able to help and suggest me the best yoga to do for now and considering my problem.

Wish you all a good weekend