the darkening clouds

The flood gates opened.  The dam has burst.  The seams couldn't take the strain any more.

I have seen the storm brewing within a few days but I chose to ignore; to pretend it was all in my imagination.  That all is going well and good......

The procrastinating at doing home work was the beginning.  The refusal to answer did you have a good day or which part of the day you enjoyed most was a glaring facet of the storm and today he just came out and asked me the question for which he knew the answer.

Maybe he realised that the pent up emotions needed to get out and he has realised also that the quickest way for him is to have a massive meltdown.  It lasted approximately an hour.  He was happier after but refused to talk about any of it.

I can see it is not over. I brace myself and wonder whether I should wait before asking questions or go ahead and ask them.

I am tired beyond thinking.  My kids are suffering and right now my hands are tied in all directions.

December thoughts

We are more than half way through Advent and in my enthusiasm in the beginning of it, I had lost sight of a few important things I had really hoped to do this year like giving just small insignificant presents.

Why you might ask?

Because I'd rather my kids remember Christmas as the day the Lord was born than a day were they will get loads of presents which will over whelm them.  So I bought our presents small- things I know they will like but nothing spectacular, however, when our parents asked us to buy the kids presents on their behalf I forgot all about this and got them some big stuff.  I feel bummed about it and frustrated with myself.  I thought to exchange them as birthday presents but the kids saw the presents under the tree and both can read their names so its not like I can somehow find an excuse like these are not yours.... so for this year my original intention went slightly out of the window.  Even Advent didn't go exactly as per programme because while doing our Advent activities I realised some things are not what my kids actually would love to do and had to cross them of the list.

So anyway while this was the first "programmed" Advent & Christmas, I have already learned loads of stuff and look forward to implement them next year :)

On a different note, I continue to see so many new things in my son.  When we read the ABC Bible Verses and do the activities related to them, there are quite a few moments where he is uncomfortable or when I remind him of them and it shows me that he does understand right from wrong but still isn't much in control of himself (neither am I so well I can't blame him!).  There are also those moments where he doesn't see me and he asks for help from other people whom he doesn't know or when asked questions which he answers without any qualms on a microphone which shows me how much he is becoming more social, vocal and confident and I can't give credit to me - apart for the fact that I never forced him into these things.  But I do give credit to his current school teacher and his sports teacher and sports in itself which is something he enjoys without any strings attached.

These last 8 days of Advent we have some thought provoking activities in store and I wonder how he will react to them.

As for me I have my new year resolution ready.  Its a resolution that will benefit my family and look forward to the challenge.  Its a challenge I've been struggling with since Gregory turned 1 and demanding while I was preggo with Maya and it bugged me always did and while I see how much things are improving I finally decided to take the bull by the horns and I made a vow that as of 1 January I will not shout to my kids or anyone else for a year and if I do it for a year well I will just carry on into the next and next and next.  It is going to be very difficult I know because its not the first time I see me going in that dark place but am incapable of stopping myself but I've already started practising and sometimes when I know I can not not shout I got shout at the Christmas tree or whatever is near at hand :)  I look forward to give you updates on this challenge of mine because I know I can do it and I have decided I will definitely do it!

October

I love the month of October.

Life seems to start settling again in a rhythm and the craziness of Summer subsides to the quietness of Winter.

Its a time when I take a look at my kids and wonder - when did they become so different?

Gregory still isn't one that shares easily or to wait patiently.  however the love he is showing us is mind blowing.  They way he thinks is astounding.  The confidence that he gained is incredible.  and expressing his emotions and trying to release them in an appropriate way inspiring.

He is also showing reading readiness and courage and tiny bit more of tenacity and not giving up in frustration as quickly as he used to. And his imagination is wonderful! I admit that while I am enjoying having Maya alone at home for a good chunk of the day, I am also looking forward to teaching more to my son and am super excited with the curriculum I have come up with for both kids.

Maya is still very much in tantrum state and not  giving leeways on anything.  It is tiring to hear her cry or whine and not letting you console her.  I am hoping to learn a new way to calm her down now I can focus my attention on her.  She is also very incredible and intelligent for her age.  She is very good at using scissors already and is able to control her drawing much better than last Winter/Spring.  she is also very eager to learn her letters and numbers and of course reading is still her major hobby.  She loves stories and would invent a story for herself while eating.  She knows the colours, how to count and the alphabet and is starting to recognise them.  She loves singing and rhyming  and using paints.

My babies are growing and I am enjoying the changes they are bringing with each month that passes.

discovering catacombs

It's his 4th birthday

4 years ago today I gave birth to beautiful baby boy.

This is him today.......I can't fathom how time flew by.

He wanted a spider as a cake.  He told me this a year ago, just after his third birthday and it didn't change since.

He has a funny laugh - I always laugh myself when I hear him.  Sometimes I tell him to laugh again just to hear it and laugh again myself.  He is still much self-centered and its rare the occasions he shares his precious toys (or gives back what he took from his sister for that matter).  He is still prone to tantrums when things don't go his way and yet he has changed so much in subtler ways.

Like when he shouts and jumps to show his anger instead of hitting or biting.  Like sitting quietly throughout the whole Mass celebration.  Like insisting on something and when the time comes does as I asked him to.  Like showing us affection every day and all the time he is with us.  

Gregory is quite me in every single cell of his being and while he never quite imitated what I or others did like Maya does at the moment, he has absorbed it all and is showing it now and so I am please to see that the changes I have been trying to effect on myself are also rubbing on to him.

Many a time he tells me he doesn't want to grow or to study.  He just wants to be home with me and remain a baby and in these moments I see his uncertainty on life.  His eagerness yet fear of what it all means.

There are many days still where I am drained trying to teach him and than there are days like yesterday, where we smiled and had great fun.

You were my first and as my first you are my sunshine, my soul and fiber   You showed me what motherhood meant.  You showed me quite clearly and made me feel ashamed of my faults as a mother and because of you I chose the extremely difficult road to change.  And changing I am thanks to you and now also to your lovely sister and I can't thank you enough for all that you are teaching me day in and day out.

Love you lots!

What goes through my son's mind

Here are a few random conversations that happened today with my son:

Me: Tomorrow you and Maya will stay with grandma while me and daddy go to a wedding.  There will be Uncle Gabe & Aunt Dodo, Audrey & Daniel and Petra & Andrew who are getting married.
Greg: Uncle Gabe & Aunt Dodo come to grandma house
Me: They can't we will all be at the wedding.
Greg: I love Uncle Gabe & Aunt Dodo
Me: Do you miss them?  Shall I see when we can meet them?
Greg: Yes- come our home & do a cushion fight

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Greg: Thank you mummy for the flowers
Me: You're welcome

These sudden thank yous are all very much cherished :) and are becoming more common by the day

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Greg: Maya don't play with the switch or you get a punishment (punishment unfortunately he learnt courtesy of his teacher!)

Love this little man of mine, he is becoming such a wonderful guy !

Clinging

There is my cheeky son!  He is 3 years and started school a month ago.

Gregory at this age can be a joy to be around.  Telling stories or just telling you what will happen next during the day or just an insight on something that happened at school.  He has LOTS of energy and enjoys laughing that beautiful smile of his.

He is also very much clinging to his last vestiges of babyhood.  As if letting go of them will somehow change everything.  Its more a reversal to some toddler ways really like won't eat unless given to him which alas I will have to put my foot down as it is also effecting his eating at school.  Suddenly telling me that he can't put on or off clothes and shoes or cut the veggies.  The problem here would stem into a tantrum of he can't do it but doesn't want me to help him do it.  It can be a tight rope!
We are still finding it difficult to have him understand emotions and needs or wants which still causes tantrums.  That is our ongoing battle.

On the other hand, he is starting to show empathy once in a blue moon.  He also started to show affection to those around him by hugging them.  Saying please and thank you and sometimes sorry without our prompting at all.  Started to sing songs whereas generally he doesn't quite like to join in (although he does tend to sing them to himself and not with us or so on).

He is still very volatile but it is getting better, very, very, extremely, slowly.  I catch myself worrying way too much on him.  I need to release him more into the world after all he is accountable for his own feelings and while I still need to guide him for still quite a long time, I also need to show him that he is accountable for anything he does, says or decides and while I am always there for him, he needs to find his own path.

1st day of school

My heart beats wildly

Temper flares

A thumping head

Scalding eyes

My fingers tremble

As I feed him b'fast

I am so proud

Yet falling to pieces

He clutches to me

Not wanting me to leave

I soothe him down

Holding back tears

My last goodbye

And I leave

Hearing him howling behind

I don't look back

My heart beats wildly

My scalding eyes

I nurse my lil' one to sleep

And my tears flow.

The house feels empty

His toys strewn around

That ache in my heart

Of strings starting to cut loose

Tears follow tears

But I know..

I gave him the tools to adapt

And he'll be fine!



Conversations and thoughts

Its mind blowing when I think my boy- my first new born- has turned 3 and next Wednesday is starting preschool or as it is locally known kindergarten.

It is actually time for me to let go of his hand and for him to fledge.  I know we are both ready for this change.  I know we are both looking forward to it.  But I am also very painfully aware that this transition is going to be a bit tough and we are both scared stiff.

For this last week he started wetting the bed again even during nap time.  I soon realised that its all stress related.  In that little mind of his, he is making the connections and realising that school is suddenly round the corner.  He is petrified at the idea of me not being there with him.

Today while going to school for a brief meeting and seeing once more his teacher and so on he hugged me close (no walking) and this conversation followed.

I don't want to go to school alone
Are you afraid?
Yes
You'd like to go to school but want me with you?
Yes
You know even I am scared.  Its something new and we will be apart from each other but just like I come back for you when at grandma I will at school.
But I don't want to go alone
Listen, you will try it out for 3 days ok and another 5 days.  If you are still not happy you can stop going and try again next year. 
OK

Believe me I simply do not know how I will manage not to cry on Wednesday morning in front of him.  This morning during that conversation, I fought more tears than I ever did before.  However once inside his classroom he was quite happy to mix with the kids and play with them (at the time building blocks).  He did come for help whenever something didn't go according to his way and I tried to let the teacher guide him by telling him that here it is Ms Joanne whom he has to ask for help mummy is just looking- didn't work much I admit but still....

And yes if after a week he does insist on not wanting to go to school I will not make him go.  After all this is pre-school and next year is a brand new day :)

3 candles for Gregory

He might be 3 years today but he is still a young little man.

He has changed so much really and yet affirmed his character much more.

playing with his tea set

He talks pretty fluently, he shares when he feels like, he plays with his sister when he's in the mood, he can eat like a champ or refuse anything you do (except breastmilk ha! he never says no to that still and although there many a time where I feel fed up of nursing two kids, there are also many moments where I remember that this is lasting a while longer while the love and trust I am building will last a lifetime).

He's got such a will, that trying to teach him while not crushing it is extremely difficult.

But that big open smile, his wonder at nature and enjoyment of life, make up for those moments that result in unconsolable crying that make up his life right now.  The moments where he is not sure what he is feeling or how to express it.  The moments of tiredness he refuses to acknowledge.  The moments of hunger he refuses to quench.  The moments of attention he refuses to wait for.

He is a bundle of storm in the middle of sunshine his sister amenates.

He might sound difficult to many but really he is quite easy.

Happy 3rd birthday Gregory!

The art of writing

It's been an exceptional day.

Out of the blue my 2 yr 10 month old toddler tried his hand at writing.

Hereunder is the result!

The letters in red are my own written on his request.  Underneath in blue is his quite good imitation at writing.



We were at the Parish Priest and he asked for paper and pen. He told us he is drawing fireworks - MURTALI in Maltese. Than he asked me to write the word for him which I did. Me and the Priest continued discussing my dream of building a community of mums in our village. The next time I look at his handiwork I saw that. It felt awesome. I was shocked. I was utterly proud. Me who has been against teaching kids early the art of reading and writing have been twice erred. Because first he was very interested in learning his letters, numbers, colours and shapes and so I obliged. And now because he showed me quite clearly that he wants to learn to write. Upon asking he did confirm this (although such statements can't be taken always at face value from him) and so next week we will see if he truly wants to try this and will give it a shot.

161. open and eager to learn
162. puddles to jump into
163. curiosity
164. initiative

Unschooling in Autumn

Gregory is a little boy now and about to start kindergarten in February.  I am still of two minds about starting him school at 3 years old. However, he seems quite excited at the idea of going to school alone and make friends so I am taking his cue about it.

  In the meantime, I am continuing our unschooling which I find as interesting as I am learning lots myself.


Vocabulary & Alphabet: Letters seem to fascinate him and he loves to find letters from a short story. He can identify all his letters although he still can confuse a few of them at times. Books are still favourites! We go monthly to the library and pick up books to his liking. Right now we are reading books on insects and planes mainly.

Nature:  We also have a book that identifies all wild plants and flowers in Malta. He loves it and wants to look at the pictures everyday.  However that is not all, while out we are trying to identify the plants we meet along the way.  If we can't we take a little bit of it with us to search for it at home in our book.  If we are specifically going into the countryside however, we have started taking it out with us to identify the plants.

Around the house: It all depends on the mood- there are days were he wants to help with the food preperations and the setting of the table.  Sometimes he also dusts for me or cleans the bath and sink.  Other times he doesn't feel like and so far am not pushing him into it unless of course he has made an unduly mess and so it is his duty to help clean up!

Play:  Mainly playing is with planes and cars.  I try to coax him into puzzles but he is off them right now.  Its a joy hearing him play alone though- telling stories of what is happening and so on.  He loves to play with others at the moment as well and especially catch or jumping off stuff.

Learning should be fun and I am happy to say it is :) 

the potty adventures

As you have read here, we began potty training me and Gregory.

Nearly two months have passed since then and the progress is significant.  In fact we have taken the past few days the step were apart for night time no nappy is used on Gregory.  Today, we also had another first where I took him out on an errand with the big boy pants only - it was a success in many ways.

I am still the spectator that cheers and helps and encourages.  Being so also made me realize a couple of things:

• I've had people tell me that they would have left their child for 5 mins or more on the potty in the hope that they use it.  Children whom as grown ups sometimes seem not to know if they actually need to use the  bathroom.  This led me to the conclusion that this method would have led my son to doubt his urges and feelings
• Why this need to hurry potty training to preferably a day or two? Like the child had to take his time to learn to walk, so again is potty training and this leads to harmony at home and more love and connection between the parents and children.

And after all this, all I can say is that Greg started telling us when he needs to wee and most of the time holding it long enough to go to the potty or training seat.  In fact today while at the library he told me such and at first I feared he peed himself but he hadn't so we rushed out to the bathrooms and I had a happy, proud boy by my side!  I actually felt bad I doubted my son for that split second.

So the nos have dwindled to near zero and the actual going and making is happening all the time.  Pooing is still a problem but if a month made such a difference I have no worries at all.  I still congratulate him whenever he uses the potty or seat and encourage him and remind him to let me know if he needs to go but most of the time he asks himself and that is a great achievement.

Potty Forayes

I dreaded potty training from the day my son was born!

Some of the biggest issues hubs and I had concerned it.  So you can imagine that as the time got near I wasn't looking forward to it.  I read anything I could get my hands on, talked to other women who has gone through it, as well as attended a workshop.  However, my fear (?) of this milestone could not be dissipated.

In the end nature and instinct guided me to the best place to be- a spectator.  Yes my friends I decided to simply be a spectator that cheers and encourages and at times gives a few pushes.  So what all this ends up to?  Gregory has a potty and toilet training seat at his disposal which he can use anytime.  There are those rare moments where he asks to use it and those rarer moments where he simply goes on his own to do his business.  Most commonly I leave him running around free and when I see signs of him needing to wee or poo I tell him- looks like you need a wee come lets go to the potty/toilet.  It is occuring more often that he comes willingly and tries -though most of the time he doesn't manage to do anything.  Other times he calls a simple NO!! and that is it.

There are moments where I tell him that he has to put the nappy on if he doesn't wish to use the said potty and he complies other moments its a struggle.  Many a day he simply asks for the nappy and doesn't want to part with it even when soiled.  And so it goes, me cheering when he tries or actually does it and telling everyone else I see to cheer him on.  Sometimes giving him little pushes and reminders but mainly I just let him be.  Giving him the space and time he needs to feel confident enough to take the plunge.

It is quite a dance I tell you but I am not regretting it.  My hubs tried bribing him with toys etc but it didn't really work -it is one of the main ways it seems they get kids to use the potty bribing them with sweets, toys etc- however I admit that when we did that it didn't feel right.  After all this should come naturally to our kids right?  So where does this leave me.......it might take the whole of Summer and Winter and in the end I might need to do some real pushing to get there (especially if he is to start Kindergarten come February) but letting him choose which way he wants to go is reaping a lot of benefits.  I can see the struggle- the wish to use a toilet, yet the fear of what this would imply in his world.  I can see his swaying and so I just smile and encourage him and it is working a treat because since this started (a month ago) we have more yeses than nos and that is a big step forward :)

Good- truly good

We started going to Mass twice a week.
I am becoming involved in a coalition for better births here locally.  I am pretty excited about it and can't wait to meet up with everyone and have us all public.
Gregory is using the toilet sometimes and once in a blue moon the potty.  Most of the time he still prefers the nappy or doing it on the floor!
Maya started on solids and you can see her joy when we present her with said food rather than just plain old mama milk.
Gregory has some teeth coming out and for the past 2 weeks resumed sleeping in our bed.  A setback which I am fine with however as I know it is just a phase due to teeth and new developments.
His ventures to stop the nappy and his weaning from the breast are happening together - both according to his wishes and a few pushes from us here and there.  So the feeling of insecurity that is manifesting itself is quite appropiate and letting him snuggle up to us gives us all a good nights' sleep.
Maya is getting frustrated she can't be mobile and that means we might soon have her crawling all over the place- a nice new phase to look forward to.

It is all good.  Sometimes tiring.  Sometimes frustrating.  But it is all good!

Toddler Summer Fun

This Summer my big boy being 2 and a half I find there are more fun things to do and Summer isn't quite desolate anymore with long hours inside due to the intense heat we get in Malta.

And here is my list of things one can do!  Any other ideas yourselves?

• Visit the Natural History Museum
• Visit Ghar Dalam (a cave where animal remains suggesting Malta was once part of Africa where found)
• Boat ride around our harbours and/or Blue Grotto (a natural cave with lovely blue waters)
• Horse Drawn carriage ride around the capital
• A train ride - well not a train like any outsiders now it but a fun trip anyway!
• Visit some gardens
• Beaches and more beaches - that goes without saying here ha!
• Sleep under the stars on our roof - since we do not have a backyard but a big roof which I use for hanging clothes and bbqs, it will now be extended for "camping"
• Go to Buskett (our man made forest kinda thing) and look at the many bugs there are and try identify them
• OF course since my son is right now plane-a-holic visiting the airport to see take offs and landings is a must (which has been going on for a month already!)

Most if not all of the above are now possible to do courtesy of the new bus system (rather than using my car) so it will be more fun and adventerous for the little guy.  I am so excited about it all and will update you on our adventures of course every week :)

clearly mine

This little guy, with that precious smile is labelled as naughty and aggressive.  Not many say so but their look says it all as they see my spirited child run, scream and simply enjoying life.

He can be tiring yes; and he can also make me loose myself in anger.  Yet I can never give him such cruel labels.  I find myself telling people that no he is not naughty and they insist and there are these moments were I feel like arguing with them that because he does not fit in the image of how children should act doesn't mean he is naughty.  However, I never do it in the end I just insist that he ain't so!

This little guy, is my unbinder.  He can push my buttons in a second and yet resets them just as quickly.  His development I can measure in strides not paces.  No he is not complaint especially if we are out in public.  No he is not silent and sits quietly if we take him to Church.  He loves to play with peers in an aggressive way ( pushing each other , falling on each other, throwing cushions and so on)- what I call the boys' way.  I try to redirect him, give him focus and explain that he should be gentler and he is.  However, when he gets happy and excited he forgets the gentleness :)

This little guy, has taught me so much on parenting(and still does).  Has showed me ways, given me back my lost imagination, made me proof to myself that I can be patient as much as I cared to be because when I am not, I am doing a conscious choice not to control myself most of the time.  He's made me loose faith and regain it, loose strength and redouble it, doubt myself till I find myself more confident in my endeavours.  He is the one with whom I can see clearly because he forces me to in order to understand him.

My man, my boy, my baby!

Leaps and Bounds

Gardening - Our onion patch

Gregory is growing in leaps and bounds.  Sometimes even I am amazed.

Take as an example the alphabet- I decided to start teaching it to  him seeing he seemed ready for it. Five weeks later (and 5 letters later) I realise that he already knows half the alphabet.  I am quite astounded by this truly!  At first I thought he knows them because he knows in which order they come, but when I started quzzing him on which letter is A for example in an actual word he found it for me without a problem.  So yeah he already recognises the letters.  AND the numbers from 1 to 10.  He also knows the numbers in Maltese and Spanish and actually counts them to!

Another sudden leap which left me dazed is his request to start sleeping in his room on his own.  Up till last Sunday we co sleeped all 4 of us together.  Than on Monday he decided to sleep in his room.  He does this till about 1 am when he wakes for a little breast taster :) and than he stays in our bed for the rest of the night.  I had planned to wean him to his own bed and room in a year and a half seeing that this Summer I wanted to potty train him.  But it seems that it will not be necessary for me to do so now.

All these changes leave me breathless at times, yet proud of my son.  My baby, who is truly no more a baby but a young boy. 

babes in pictures

Here are some recents pics as promised of my babies!

Need I really comment at this lovely pic?

This big chicken I won as part of a hamper pic found hereunder :)

Ok this is not a kid lol but loved this and was really happy I won it and thought of showing it to you all!

Lastly here is a video of Gregory painting :)

Maya's world & Gregory's universe

Maya's world is full of smiles and cooing sounds.  Mini push ups and lots of concentration to grab or touch the things in front of her.  At 2 months she knows exactly what she wants....attention, attention and more attention!

Gregory has a full universe now.  He vrooms his cars around, make animals talk to each other, recounts every story he is read or dvd shown and tells us what has happened during the day.  He is full of kisses first thing in the morning and lots more during the day.  His laughter fills the house as he asks repeatedly to be jumped around like a kangaroo.  At 2 years tantrums are nearly a daily occurance and discipline an all time high and although draining, exhausting and more, seeing his developing intellect, his social skills trying to click and emerge and coping with a new sister while trying to take it all in is a true wonder- amazing!

My babies! promise to post some pics soon.

a little baby but a big man

There are these moments, where I look at Greg and see this big grown person.  I listen to him telling me the stories of cartoons he's been watching, or things that he remembers happened and wonder at his ever increasing ways that he is distancing from baby/toddlerhood.

Yet, I also see through his eyes the baby I still got.  The one who asks for help to go down stairs, or lets me feed him.  The nappy I still change and the breast I lovingly give him.  I look at him sleeping, and once more I find my little baby.

He is my first born.....the one to first pierce my motherhood heart.  I love him immensely!